Andy Rooney

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
Andy Rooney

I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.
Andy Rooney

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
Andy Rooney

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort – the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing – the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
Andy Rooney

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
Andy Rooney

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
Andy Rooney

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
Andy Rooney

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.
Andy Rooney

I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
Andy Rooney

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andy Rooney

I don’t think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
Andy Rooney

It’s paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
Andy Rooney

A writer’s job is to tell the truth.
Andy Rooney

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
Andy Rooney

Obscenities… I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can’t think of what they want to say and they’re frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren’t very smart – want to be just one of the boys.
Andy Rooney

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?
Andy Rooney

I like ice hockey, but it’s a frustrating game to watch. It’s hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
Andy Rooney

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
Andy Rooney

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Andy Rooney

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
Andy Rooney

We’re all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don’t make any big ones.
Andy Rooney

Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
Andy Rooney

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
Andy Rooney

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
Andy Rooney

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