HUMOR

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”― Albert Einstein

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”― Steven Wright

“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL1. We are here to help you.2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.3. The dress code will be enforced.4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.5. Our football team will win the championship this year.6. We expect more of you here.7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.9. Your locker combination is private.10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.4. The new text books will arrive any day now.5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.6. We are enforcing the dress code.7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.10. We want to hear what you have to say.”― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”― Mark Twain

“So many books, so little time.”― Frank Zappa

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”― Mae West

Don’t try to outsmart your common sense. Keep It Simple…Stupid. Michael D Hiatt

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”― Narcotics Anonymous

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”― Steve Martin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”― Mark Twain

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”― Garrison Keillor

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”― Robert A. Heinlein

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”― Charles M. Schulz

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”― Jim Henson

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”― Woody Allen

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”― Paul Terry

“Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?’ In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even ‘lame’ is kind of lame. Saying ‘You’re lame’ is like saying ‘You walk with a limp.’ Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he’s done all right for himself.”― John Green
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”― Groucho Marx
“The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”― Charles Bukowski

Whatever your ailments. Pick up sticks. Michael D Hiatt

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”― Benjamin Franklin Wade

“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”― Charles M. Schulz, The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 5: 1959-1960
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”― George Carlin

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry stiffly.
“Yes, sir.”
“There’s no need to call me “sir” Professor.”
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz

“Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.
“Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?”
― Terry Johnson, Insignificance

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”― C.E.M. Joad

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

“I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.”
“Well,” said Luke, “you’re doing a fantastic job.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”― George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer”― Douglas Adams

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?”
“Yes.”
“You called her a liar?”
“Yes.”
“You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?”
“Yes.”
“Have a biscuit, Potter.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”― Groucho Marx

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”― Oscar Levant

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”― Albert Einstein

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein
“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
― Steven Wright

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
― Mark Twain

“So many books, so little time.”
― Frank Zappa

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Narcotics Anonymous

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
― Mark Twain

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

“Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?’ In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even ‘lame’ is kind of lame. Saying ‘You’re lame’ is like saying ‘You walk with a limp.’ Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he’s done all right for himself.”
― John Green

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
― Charles Bukowski

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade

“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”
― Charles M. Schulz, The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 5: 1959-1960

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry stiffly.
“Yes, sir.”
“There’s no need to call me “sir” Professor.”
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz

“Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.
“Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?”
― Terry Johnson, Insignificance

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
― C.E.M. Joad

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

“I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.”
“Well,” said Luke, “you’re doing a fantastic job.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
― George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer”
― Douglas Adams

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?”
“Yes.”
“You called her a liar?”
“Yes.”
“You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?”
“Yes.”
“Have a biscuit, Potter.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”
― Albert Einstein

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
― Albert Einstein

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.”
― Thomas Szasz

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.”
― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

“Death’s got an Invisibility Cloak?” Harry interrupted again.
“So he can sneak up on people,” said Ron. “Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

“It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
― E.B. White

“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
― Mark Twain

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain

“Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?” asked Jace.
“It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath.”
“As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome,” said Simon.
“I knew we should have left you a rat.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Let us find the dam snack bar,” Zoe said. “We should eat while we can.”
Grover cracked a smile. “The dam snack bar?”
Zoe blinked. “Yes. What is funny?”
“Nothing,” Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. “I could use some dam french fries.”
Even Thalia smiled at that. “And I need to use the dam restroom.”

I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. “I do not understand.”
“I want to use the dam water fountain,” Grover said.
“And…” Thalia tried to catch her breath. “I want to buy a dam t-shirt.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen, Jane Austen’s Letters

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
― Jerome K. Jerome

“Malachi scowled. “I don’t remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.”
“They didn’t,” Magnus said. “Your wards are down.”
“Really?” the Consul’s voice dripped sarcasm. “I hadn’t noticed.”
Magnus looked concerned. “That’s terrible. Someone should have told you.” He glanced at Luke. “Tell him the wards are down.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
― Albert Einstein

“Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,” said Jace. “I’d rather stay down here and rot.”
“Forever?” said Simon. “Forever’s an awfully long time.”
Jace raised his eyebrows. “I knew it,” he said. “You want to kiss me, don’t you?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“What the hell is that?” I laughed.
“It’s my fox hat.”
“Your fox hat?”
“Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.
“Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?”
― Henry Ward Beecher

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”
― Bertrand Russell

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
― Mae West

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.”
― Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss

“That does it,” said Jace. “I’m going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.”
“Why?” Isabelle said.
“So you can look up ‘fun.’ I’m not sure you know what it means.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.”
― Maya Angelou

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
― Mark Twain

“I have great faith in fools – self-confidence my friends will call it.”
― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Anthony G. Oettinger

“Percy wouldn’t notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby’s hats.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”
― George Carlin

“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.”
― Isaac Asimov, Foundation

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
― Oscar Wilde

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid-we know we’re called Gred and Forge.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“I have something I need to tell you,” he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a little. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.”
“That’s sensible of you,” I say, smiling too. “We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something.”
I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear.
“Maybe I’m already sure,” he says, “and I just don’t want to frighten you.”
I laugh a little. “Then you should know better.”
“Fine,” he says. “Then I love you.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns

“Don’t talk to me.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

“Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”
― Terry Pratchett

“I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
“I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“Why are they all staring?” demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
“Don’t let it worry you,” said Ron. “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.”
“I was ninety percent sure.”
“I see,” Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
“What the hell was that for?”
“The other ten percent.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Love conquers all,” Aphrodite promised. “Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?”
“Didn’t they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?”
“Pfft. That’s not the point. Follow your heart.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.”
“Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Some people have lives; some people have music.”
― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

“Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”
― Stephanie Klein, Straight Up and Dirty

“I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

“What’s this?” he demanded, looking from Clary to his companions, as if they might know what she was doing there.
“It’s a girl,” Jace said,recovering his composure. “Surely you’ve seen girls before, Alec. Your sister Isabelle is one.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”
― Dr. Seuss

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

“Basically, I have two speeds…. Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“The Guide says there is an art to flying”, said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright

“Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn’t make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

“Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.”
― Mark Twain

“How do you feel, Georgie?” whispered Mrs. Weasley.
George’s fingers groped for the side of his head.
“Saintlike,” he murmured.
“What’s wrong with him?” croaked Fred, looking terrified. “Is his mind affected?”
“Saintlike,” repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. “You see…I’m HOLEY, Fred, geddit?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage – but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored.
“In future, Clarissa,” he said, “it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations.”
“You invited him into bed?” Simon demanded, looking shaken.
“Ridiculous, isn’t it?” said Jace. “We would never have all fit.”
“I didn’t invite him into bed,” Clary snapped. “We were just kissing.”
“Just kissing?” Jace’s tone mocked her with its false hurt. “How swiftly you dismiss our love.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you’ve – you’ve blown up a toilet or –”
“Blown up a toilet? We’ve never blown up a toilet.”
“Great idea though, thanks, Mum.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Oh well… I’d just been thinking, if you had died, you’d have been welcome to share my toilet.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. “I can’t believe you did it!” she exclaimed. “How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?”
“Traded him for Alec,” Clary said.
Isabelle looked mildly alarmed. “Not permanently?”
“No,” said Jace. “Just for a few hours. Unless I don’t come back,” he added thoughtfully. “In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy.”
Isabelle looked dubious. “Mom and Dad won’t be pleased if they find out.”
“That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?” Simon inquired. “No, probably not.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Don’t Panic.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll move mountains.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”
― Scott Adams

“Say ‘provoking’ again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote

“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”
― J.R. Ward, Dark Lover

“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin

“The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“I’m not going to wear a red dress,” she said.
“It would look stunning, My Lady,” she called.
She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. “If there’s anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I’ll hit him in the face.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
― George Carlin

“It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle

“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”
― Bill Watterson

“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

“You possess other people’s…bodies.”

He accepted that statement with a nod.

“Do you want to possess my body?”

“I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that’s not one of them.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“What are all these?” Clary asked.
“Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades,” Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, “electrum wire – not much use at the moment but it’s always good to have spares – silver bullets, charms of protetion, crucifixes, stars of David-”
“Jesus,” said Clary
“I doubt he’d fit.”
“Jace.” Clary was appalled.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
― Will Rogers

“The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that’s not important.”
“It was probably important to her.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“Why were you lurking under our window?”
“Yes – yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?”
“Listening to the news,” said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
“Listening to the news! Again?”
“Well, it changes every day, you see,” said Harry.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with my news…check if I’m happy…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“So when the moon’s only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?”
“You could say that.”
“Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.”
“I’m a werewolf, not a golden retriever.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

“Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”
― Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones

“Of all the trees we could’ve hit, we had to get one that hits back.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
― Groucho Marx

“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”
― Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Your friend’s poetry is terrible,” he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. “What?”
“I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”
― Madonna

“I’ll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from ‘almost extinct’ to ‘not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.’ Will that make you happy?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“I’m saying that I’m a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you’re okay with that, because it’s who I am, and you’re what I need.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”
― Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs

“I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.”
― Arthur C. Clarke

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
― Dorothy Parker

“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”
― Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

“Don’t feel bad, I’m usually about to die.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“In a way, it’s nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you’re walking away from a bus that’s just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it’s raining on top of everything else, most people might think that’s just really bad luck; when you’re a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“It’s not gray,” Clary felt compelled to point out. “It’s green.”
“If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you’d have died in childhood,” said Jace.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention.”
― Christopher Paolini

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”
― Bette Midler

“Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“What’s the good of living if you don’t try a few things?”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.”
“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”
― Mae West

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
― George Carlin

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”
― Voltaire

“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Must you go? I was rather hoping you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.”
“I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.”
“None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.
“How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun.”
Jem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.”
“It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Dreams like a podcast,
Downloading truth in my ears.
They tell me cool stuff.”
“Apollo?” I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.
He put his finger to his lips. “I’m incognito. Call me Fred.”
“A god named Fred?”
― Rick Riordan

“You’re an idiot.”
“I’ve never claimed to be otherwise.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.”
― Orson Welles

“I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.
“No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”
Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. “Peeta. Peeta, wake up,” I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we’ve stabbed him. “Aa!”
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta’s attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

“I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent!”
― Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg

“Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.”
― Neil Gaiman

“I love books, by the way, way more than movies. Movies tell you what to think. A good book lets you choose a few thoughts for yourself. Movies show you the pink house. A good book tells you there’s a pink house and lets you paint some of the finishing touches, maybe choose the roof style,park your own car out front. My imagination has always topped anything a movie could come up with. Case in point, those darned Harry Potter movies. That was so not what that part-Veela-chick, Fleur Delacour, looked like.”
― Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever

“Jace shook his blond head in exasperation.
“You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn’t you? You couldn’t just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”
― Terry Pratchett

“My rapier wit hides my inner pain.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

“The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.”
― Nikolai Gogol

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
― Charles Lamb

“Headline?” he asked.
“‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.
“‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.
“‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“Black holes are where God divided by zero.”
― Albert Einstein

“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”
― Steve Martin

“Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that’s gripping the nation!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. “Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.”
“Canoodle?” repeated Clary, never having heard the word before.
“Magnificent?” repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like “Get out.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Ginny!” said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. “Haven’t I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.”
― Robert Frost

“An Unbreakable Vow?” said Ron, looking stunned. “Nah, he can’t have…. Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure,” said Harry. “Why, what does it mean?”
“Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…”
“I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”
― Pat Monahan

“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
― Mark Twain

“What’s up?” I asked.

You tell me,” he said. “You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.”

It was an experiment,” I said. “It was part of my therapy.”

What the hell kind of therapy are you in?”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“Alec looked at her and shook his head. “How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?”
Isabelle shrugged philosophically. “I’m pure at heart. It repels the dirt.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
― George Carlin

“Trains are great dirty smoky things,” said Will. “You won’t like it.”
Tessa was unmoved. “I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?”
“I’ve never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn’t like it.”
“But think how entertaining for sightseers,” said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
― Bill Watterson

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

“I hope you’re pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed – or worse, expelled. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to bed.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
― Sheng Wang

“When God Created Mothers”
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of “overtime” when the angel appeared and said. “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”
And God said, “Have you read the specs on this order?” She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts…all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands.”
The angel shook her head slowly and said. “Six pairs of hands…. no way.”

It’s not the hands that are causing me problems,” God remarked, “it’s the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.”
That’s on the standard model?” asked the angel. God nodded.
One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ‘What are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”
God,” said the angel touching his sleeve gently, “Get some rest tomorrow….”
I can’t,” said God, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick…can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger…and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower.”
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.
But tough!” said God excitedly. “You can imagine what this mother can do or endure.”
Can it think?”

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model.”
It’s not a leak,” said the Lord, “It’s a tear.”
What’s it for?”
It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.”
You are a genius, ” said the angel.
Somberly, God said, “I didn’t put it there.”
― Erma Bombeck, When God Created Mothers

“You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“Oh, we’re playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron King

“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”
― Zig Ziglar, Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World

“No sight so sad as that of a naughty child,” he began, “especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?”

“They go to hell,” was my ready and orthodox answer.

“And what is hell? Can you tell me that?”

“A pit full of fire.”

“And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?”

“No, sir.”

“What must you do to avoid it?”

I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: “I must keep in good health and not die.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

“Moths,” repeats Will. “You’re afraid of moths?”

“Not just a cloud of moths,” she says, “like…a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and…” She shudders and shakes her head.

“Terrifying,” Will says with mock seriousness. “That’s my girl. Tough as cotton balls.”

“Oh, Shut up.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“Can you surf really well, then?”
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
“Jeez, Nico,” I said. “I’ve never really tried.”
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn’t answer that one.) If Annabeth’s mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn’t Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”
― Rick Riordan

“It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
― Mae West

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
― Groucho Marx

“We need to talk. All of us About what we’re going to do now.”
“I was going to watch Project Runway.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Seventeen, eh!” said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred.
“Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?”
“Vaguely,” said Harry, grinning up at him. “Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?”
“I forge’ the details,” Hagrid chortled.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”
― Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“It’s hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“But-” Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at – and stared.
Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him full on the mouth. Magnus, who appeared to be in a state of shock, stood frozen. Several groups of people – Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike – were staring and whispering. Glancing to the side, Simon saw the Lightwoods, their eyes widen, gaping at the display. Maryse had her hand over her mouth.
Maia looked perplexed. “Wait a second,” she said. “Do we all have to do that, too?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?”
“I’m always a girl” I frown.
“You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl”
I twirl my hair around my finger. “Kay.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“Humor is reason gone mad.”
― Groucho Marx

“People, generally, suck.”
― Christopher Moore, The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror

“No good deed goes unpunished.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”
“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. “You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”
“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”
― Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means ‘flunk’.”
― Lemony Snicket

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
― Robin Williams

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
― Woody Allen

“There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

“The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”
― Mark Twain

“If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.”
― Isaac Asimov

“Where is Wood?” said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn’t there.
“Still in the showers,” said Fred. “We think he’s trying to drown himself.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.
“Green grass breaks through snow.
Artemis pleads for my help.
I am so cool.”
He grinned at us, waiting for applause.
“That last line was four syllables.” Artemis said.
Apollo frowned. “Was it?”
“Yes. What about I am so bigheaded?”
“No, no, that’s six syllable, hhhm.” He started muttering to himself.
Zoe Nightshade turned to us. “Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase ever since he visited Japan. Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If I’d had to hear one more poem that started with, There once was a godess from Sparta-”
“I’ve got it!” Apollo announced. “I am so awesome. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.”
― Matt Groening

“It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.”
― Gertrude Stein

“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”
― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

“I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”
― Mae West

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
― George Carlin

“Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my ‘furry little problem’ in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”
All the time.”
― Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
― Groucho Marx

“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
― Alfred Hitchcock

“The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
― George Carlin

“Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”
― Howard Nemerov

“It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“Rachel: You’re a half-blood, too?
Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?
Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren’t human! They’re half Greek god!…They don’t seem to care.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ”
― Mark Twain

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
― Robert Benchley

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
― George Carlin

“It seemed weird calling a teenager ‘sir’ but I’d learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.”
― Rick Riordan

“As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“As long as we don’t die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
― Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
― H.L. Mencken

“Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

“I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it’s more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I like men who have a future and women who have a past.”
― Oscar Wilde

“French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.”
― Flannery O’Connor

“Are you always a smartass?’
Nope. Sometimes I’m asleep.”
― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

“You live but once; you might as well be amusing.”
― Coco Chanel

“The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“And next time you’re planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
― Groucho Marx, Groucho and Me

“It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter’s forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. “Wake. Up,” Four snaps. “You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn’t.”
― Christopher Paolini, Eragon

“Just because you’re beautiful and perfect, it’s made you conceited.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“I guess it’s true what they say,” observed Jace. “There are no straight men in the trenches.”
“That’s atheists, jackass,” said Simon furiously. “There are no atheists in the trenches.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
― George Carlin

“To you, I’m an atheist.
To God, I’m the loyal opposition.”
― Woody Allen

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
― Albert Einstein

“So what? All writers are lunatics!”
― Cornelia Funke, Inkspell

“People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’

If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen.

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“For instance, this new idea that You-Know-Who can kill with a single glance from his eyes. That’s a basilisk, listeners. One simple test: Check whether the thing that’s glaring at you has got legs. If it has, it’s safe to look into its eyes, although if it really is You-Know-Who, that’s still likely to be the last thing you ever do.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Man, you weigh a freaking ton,” he told me. “What’ve you been eating, rocks?”
“Why, is your head missing some?” I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that’s when I knew how upset he’d been”
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”
― Carolyn G. Heilbrun

“Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection.” He paused to reconsider that. “Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try.” (Adrian)”
― Richelle Mead, Bloodlines

“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle’s on a poodle and the poodle’s eating noodles…
…they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”
― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

“No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!” the man yelled.
“Really?” said Vimes. “What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?”
“What?”
“Oh, you’d like something simpler?”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

“Harry, don’t go picking a row with Malfoy, don’t forget, he’s a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you…”
“Wow, I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life?” said Harry sarcastically.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life — you just hang around until you get used to it.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course”
― Marilyn Monroe

“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
― Lily Tomlin

“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”
― Mark Twain

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”
― Garrison Keillor

“I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.”
― Lady Gaga

“The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that too.”
The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
I do that too,” laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”
But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean,” said the little old man.”
― Shel Silverstein

“We did it, we bashed them wee Potter’s the one, and Voldy’s gone moldy, so now let’s have fun!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It’s really funny.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.”
― Steven Moffat

“Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Is this Clarissa Fray?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.
Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. “Yeees?”
“Hi, I’m one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I”m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you’d give me a chance to make it up to-”
“SIMON!” Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. “That is so not funny!”
“Sure it is. You just don’t see the humor.”
“Jerk.” Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

“You know what would help?” I asked, not meeting his eyes.

“Hmm?”

“If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down.”

Dimitri laughted. “Your worst class is history, yet somehow, you know everything about Eastern Europe.”

“Hey, gotta have material for my jokes, Comrade.” Still smiling, he turned the radio dail. To a country station.

“Hey! This isn’t what I had in mind,” I exclaimed. I could tell he was on the verge of laughing again.

“Pick. It’s one or the other.”

I sighed. “Go back to the 1980s stuff.”

He flipped the dail, and I crossed my arms over my chest as some vaguely European-sounding band sang about how video had killed the radio star. I wished someone would kill this radio.”
― Richelle Mead, Frostbite

“I don’t do what I’m told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.”
― David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“I really can’t think about kissing when I’ve got a rebellion to incite. ”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

“There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.”
― E. Nesbit, The Magic World

“If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, “Well this isn’t too bad, I don’t have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I’m left-handed or right-handed,” but most of us would say something more along the lines of, “Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

“Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
― Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

“She’d also called me brave…unless she was talking to the catfish.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

“That wasn’t any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.”
― Stephen King, The Stand

“Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron King

“Life sucks, and then you die…”
― Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

“…disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business….”
― Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

“I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.
“Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
― Steve Martin

“Basia coquum,” Simon said. “Or whatever their motto is.”
“It’s ‘Descensus Averno facilis est.’ ‘The descent into hell is easy,” said Alec. “You just said “Kiss the cook.”
“Dammit,” said Simon. “I knew Jace was screwing with me.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. “That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn–there he is.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that’s so insulting. That’s like saying I’m not smart enough to shoot you in the head.”
Eddie DeChooch”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“have i gone mad?
im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.”
― Stephen King, Bag of Bones

“I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.”
― Charles Bukowski

“It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily.
“So it is.”
“And freezing.”
“Is it?”
“Yes,” said Eeyore. “However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake lately.”
― A.A. Milne

“Why it’s simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don’t you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing’s impossible!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

“Y’all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”
― James Dashner, The Maze Runner

“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.”
― Oscar Wilde

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“Did you like question ten, Moony?” asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall.
“Loved it,” said Lupin briskly. “Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question.”
“D’you think you managed to get all the signs?” said James in tones of mock concern.
“Think I did,” said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. “One: He’s sitting on my chair. Two: He’s wearing my clothes. Three: His name’s Remus Lupin…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!”
― Lauren Myracle, ttfn

“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.”
― Joseph Heller

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
― Mark Twain

“Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Aren’t they supposed to be hiring someone else to train me full-time anyway?”
“Yes,” he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet along with him,“ and I’m worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you’ll wind up making out with him, too.”
“ Don’t be sexist. They could find me a female instructor.”
“In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression.
“Are you all right?” Simon asked, with some concern. “Your eyes are crossing.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Inconceivable!”
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Sections in the bookstore

– Books You Haven’t Read
– Books You Needn’t Read
– Books Made for Purposes Other Than Reading
– Books Read Even Before You Open Them Since They Belong to the Category of Books Read Before Being Written
– Books That If You Had More Than One Life You Would Certainly Also Read But Unfortunately Your Days Are Numbered
– Books You Mean to Read But There Are Others You Must Read First
– Books Too Expensive Now and You’ll Wait ‘Til They’re Remaindered
– Books ditto When They Come Out in Paperback
– Books You Can Borrow from Somebody
– Books That Everybody’s Read So It’s As If You Had Read Them, Too
– Books You’ve Been Planning to Read for Ages
– Books You’ve Been Hunting for Years Without Success
– Books Dealing with Something You’re Working on at the Moment
– Books You Want to Own So They’ll Be Handy Just in Case
– Books You Could Put Aside Maybe to Read This Summer
– Books You Need to Go with Other Books on Your Shelves
– Books That Fill You with Sudden, Inexplicable Curiosity, Not Easily Justified
– Books Read Long Ago Which It’s Now Time to Re-read
– Books You’ve Always Pretended to Have Read and Now It’s Time to Sit Down and Really Read Them”
― Italo Calvino, If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler

“We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good. Once, I lost my grip and found myself dangling by one hand from a ledge fifty feet above the rocky surf. But I found another handhold and kept climbing. A minute later Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was my face.
“Sorry,” she murrmured.
“S’okay,” I grunted, though I’d never really wanted to know what Annabeth’s sneaker tasted like.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”
― Anne Lamott

“To be is to do – Socrates
To do is to be – Sartre
Do Be Do Be Do – Sinatra”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“[My mom’s] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it’s her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)”
― Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

“You’ve got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.”
― John Irving, The Hotel New Hampshire

“Oh no. Don’t smile. You’ll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.”
― Tessa Dare, A Lady of Persuasion

“There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns…and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)”
― D.J. MacHale, The Quillan Games

“I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night,” said Ron. “What d’ya think that’s gonna mean?”
“Probably that you’re going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something,” said Harry.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Mistletoe,” said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it.
“Good thinking,” said Luna seriously. “It’s often infested with nargles.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Well, I certainly don’t,” said Percy sanctimoniously. “I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days.”
“Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?” said Fred.
“That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!” said Percy, going very red in the face. “It was nothing personal!”
“It was,” Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. “We sent it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!”
― Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

“April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.”
― Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson and Other Tales

“Oh Tigger, where are your manners?”
“I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.”
― A.A. Milne

“Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
― David Sedaris

“It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,” he said. “Have you thought of going into teaching?”
― Terry Pratchett, Mort

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
― Benjamin Franklin

“If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them.”
― Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping

“I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.”
― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

“Jace perched on the windowsill and looked down at him. “You really don’t get this bodyguard thing, do you?”

“I didn’t even think you liked me all that much,” said Simon. “Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?”

“I thought it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy’s house a night and throw up in his mailbox.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not it”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.”
― Charlaine Harris, Club Dead

“I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”
― Mark Twain

“Well, that’s your opinion, isn’t it? And I’m not about to waste my time trying to change it.”
― Lady Gaga

“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”
― Woody Allen

“The Colonel led all the cheers.
Cornbread!” he screamed.
CHICKEN!” the crowd responded.
Rice!”
PEAS!”
And then, all together: “WE GOT HIGHER SATs.”
Hip Hip Hip Hooray!” the Colonel cried.
YOU’LL BE WORKIN’ FOR US SOMEDAY!”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn’t hate people who watched or played them.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“By the Angel,” Jace said, looking the demon up and down. “I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell.”
Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth.
“I’m not sure about this wind and howling darkness business,” Jace went on, “smells more like landfill to me. You sure you’re not from Staten Island?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Hey,” said Shadow. “Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are.”
The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
“Say ‘Nevermore,'” said Shadow.
“Fuck you,” said the raven.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.”
― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

“Life is worth living as long as there’s a laugh in it.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

“1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“Who’re you going with, then?” said Ron.
“Angelina,” said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
“What?” said Ron, taken aback. “You’ve already asked her?”
“Good point,” said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, “Oi! Angelina!”
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
“What?” She called back.
“Want to come to the ball with me?”
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
“All right, then,” she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
“There you go,” said Fred to Harry and Ron, “piece of cake.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“It’s not like there’s a law against flying.”
“Yes there is. The law of gravity.”
― Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone

“Harry — I think I’ve just understood something! I’ve got to go to the library!”
And she sprinted away, up the stairs.
“What does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.
“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.
“But why’s she got to go to the library?”
“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”
― Napoléon Bonaparte

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”
― Jon Stewart

“You’re so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“Eragon looked back at him, confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Of course you don’t,” said Brom impatiently. “That’s why I’m teaching you and not the other way around.”
― Christopher Paolini, Eragon

“So this is it,” said Arthur, “We are going to die.”
“Yes,” said Ford, “except… no! Wait a minute!” He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur’s line of vision. “What’s this switch?” he cried.
“What? Where?” cried Arthur, twisting round.
“No, I was only fooling,” said Ford, “we are going to die after all.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex.”
“At least you know he’s still available.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Lawful good to lawful evil!” said Simon, pleased.
“He’s quoting Dungeons and Dragons,” said Clary. “Ignore him.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“Jace’s eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, “Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories.”
“You hate the Silent Brothers,” protested Isabelle.
“I don’t hate them,” said Jace candidly.”I’m afraid of them. It’s not the same thing.”
“I thought you said they were libarians,” said Clary.
“They are librarians.”
Simon whistled. “Those must be some killer late fees.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking”
― Albert Einstein

“Curiouser and curiouser.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

“I’ve got the Mark of Cain,” said Simon. “That means nothing can kill me, right?”
“You can kill yourself,” Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. “As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn’t.”
“There goes my Saturday.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“My mother made a squeaking sound that might of been either “yes” or “help”.
Poseidon took it as a yes and came in.
Paul was looking back and forth between us, trying to read our expressions.
Finally he stepped forward.
“Hi, I’m Paul Blofis.”
Poseidon raised an eyebrow and then shook his hand.
“Blowfish, did you say?”
“Ah, no. Blofis, actually.”
“Oh, I see,” Poseidon said. “A shame. I quite like blowfish. I am Poseidon.”
“Poseidon? That’s an interesting name.”
“Yes, I like it. I’ve gone by other names, but I do prefer Poseidon.”
“Like the god of the sea.”
“Very much like that, yes”
“Well!” My mother interrupted. “Um, were so glad you could drop by. Paul, this is Percy’s father.”
“Ah.” Paul nodded, though he didn’t look real pleased. “I see.”
Poseidon smiled at me. “There you are, my boy. And Tyson, hello, son!”
“Daddy!” Tyson [shouted]…
Paul’s jaw dropped. He stared at my mother. “Tyson is…”
“Not mine,” she promised. “It’s a long story.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”
― George Bernard Shaw, Immaturity

“From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, “Worst. Timing. Ever.” Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite.
“Huh,” Adrian said, letting himself in. “So that’s how you’re going to fix the family problem. Little Dragomirs. Good idea.” Christian sat up and strolled toward them.
“Yeah, that’s exactly it. You’re interrupting official Council business.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“You forget, darling.
I am the local psychopath.”
― Kelley Armstrong, Bitten

“A towel, [The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Okay, God, I thought. Get me out of this and I’ll stop my half-assed church-going ways. You got me past a pack of Strigoi tonight. I mean, trapping that one between the doors really shouldn’t have worked, so clearly you’re on board. Let me get out of here, and I’ll…I don’t know. Donate Adrian’s money to the poor. Get baptized. Join a convent. Well, no. Not that last one.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

“They turned to Angel. “We will call you Little One,” the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.
“Okay,” said Angel agreeably. “I’ll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat.” He frowned.
“That can be his Indian name,” I suggested.”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
― George Burns

“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
― Mark Twain, Tom Sawyer Abroad

“Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“She’s the sort of woman who lives for others – you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”
― Orson Welles

“Let’s carpe the hell out of this diem.”
― Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
― George Carlin

“My name is Percy Jackson.
I’m twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.
Am I a troubled kid?
Yeah. You could say that.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.”
― Groucho Marx

“As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.”
― Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
― Bill Watterson

“Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.”
― Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat (Deluxe Edition)

“So it’s true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.”
“If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”
― Herman Wouk

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”
― Mark Twain

“Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Can’t stay long, Mother,” he said. “I’m up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves-”
“Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?” said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. “You should have said something, we had no idea.”
“Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it,” said the other twin. “Once-”
“Or twice-”
“A minute-”
“All summer-”
“Oh, shut up,” said Percy the Prefect.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I’ll send you a photo.”
“And I’ll frame it and put it on my nightstand,” said Jace.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It’s so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn’t have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.”
― Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

“We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot. Or maybe a ninja skeleton parrot? No, that would be overkill. But it’d be cool if the biker skeleton could be shooting some ninja throwing stars. That are on fire.”
― Richelle Mead, Bloodlines

“When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
― Erma Bombeck

“I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!”
― C. JoyBell C.

“So much good, so much evil. Just add water.”
― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

“I know – I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”
Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.
“Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.
Alice beamed. “I do. Excellent.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

“Abe held my gaze a bit longer and then broke into an easy smile. ʺOf course, of course. This is a family gathering. A celebration. And look: hereʹs our newest member.ʺ

Dimitri had joined us and wore black and white like my mother and me. He stood beside me, conspicuously not touching. ʺMr. Mazur,ʺ he said formally, nodding a greeting to both of them. ʺGuardian Hathaway.ʺ

Dimitri was seven years older than me, but right then, facing my parents, he looked like he was sixteen and about to pick me up for a date.

ʺAh, Belikov,ʺ said Abe, shaking Dimitriʹs hand. ʺIʹd been hoping weʹd run into each other. Iʹd really like to get to know you better. Maybe we can set aside some time to talk, learn more about life, love, et cetera. Do you like to hunt? You seem like a hunting man. Thatʹs what we should do sometime. I know a great spot in the woods. Far, far away. We could make a day of it. Iʹve certainly got a lot of questions Iʹd like to ask you. A lot of things Iʹd like to tell you too.ʺ

I shot a panicked look at my mother, silently begging her to stop this. Abe had spent a good deal of time talking to Adrian when we dated, explaining in vivid and gruesome detail exactly how Abe expected his daughter to be treated. I did not want Abe taking Dimitri off alone into the wilderness, especially if firearms were involved.

ʺActually,ʺ said my mom casually. ʺIʹd like to come along. I also have a number of questions—especially about when you two were back at St. Vladimirʹs.ʺ

ʺDonʹt you guys have somewhere to be?ʺ I asked hastily. ʺWeʹre about to start.ʺ

That, at least, was true. Nearly everyone was in formation, and the crowd was quieting. ʺOf course,ʺ said Abe. To my astonishment, he brushed a kiss over my forehead before stepping away. ʺIʹm glad youʹre back.ʺ Then, with a wink, he said to Dimitri:

ʺLooking forward to our chat.ʺ

ʺRun,ʺ I said when they were gone. ʺIf you slip out now, maybe they wonʹt notice. Go back to Siberia.”

“Actually,” said Dimitri, “I’m pretty sure Abe would notice. Don’t worry, Roza. I’m not afraid. I’ll take whatever heat they give me over being with you. It’s worth it.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“I can talk to fish!” Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. “Ask one over for dinner,” Fang said, joining us.”
― James Patterson, School’s Out—Forever

“I’m gonna kill him,” Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.
Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-”

And what?” (Michael)

When did you get home?” Claire demanded.

Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It’s…different.”
― Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools

“Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said. ‘One can’t believe impossible things.’

I daresay you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. ‘When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!”
― Lewis Carroll

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”
― Dorothy Parker

“MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.”
― Patricia Briggs, Moon Called

“when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

“My kids are starting to notice I’m a little different from the other dads. “Why don’t you have a straight job like everyone else?” they asked me the other day.

I told them this story:
In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, “Look at me…I’m tall, and I’m straight, and I’m handsome. Look at you…you’re all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you.” And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, “Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest.” So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day.”
― Tom Waits

“Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.”
― Lady Gaga

“I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell ‘Flame on!'”
Leo snorted. “If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than ‘Flame on!”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ”
― Fran Lebowitz

“I’m sure I’ll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.”
― Marissa Meyer, Cinder

“The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one’s better in bed.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave

“I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.”

(Letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville, May 16, 1767)”
― Voltaire

“So that’s little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you’ve inherited your mother’s brains.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
― Groucho Marx

“Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades’s gym shorts.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?”

“I give.”

“You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there’s a dog.”
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

“The human body is the best work of art.”
― Jess C. Scott

“Because I can’t help doing it,” he said with a shrug. “And hey, if I keep loving you, maybe you’ll eventually crack and love me too. Hell, I’m pretty sure you’re already half in love with me.”

“I am not! And everything you just said is ridiculous. That’s terrible logic.”

Adrian returned to his crossword puzzle. “Well, you can think what you want, so long as you remember-no matter how ordinary things seem between us-I’m still here, still in love with you, and care about you more than any other guy, evil or otherwise, ever will.”

“I don’t think you’re evil.”

“See? Things are already looking promising.”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell

“I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.”
― Aleister Crowley, Moonchild

“Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Evolution of Mara Dyer

“Wait,” I said as Noah slipped a book from a shelf and headed toward the door. “Where are you going?”
“To read?”
But I don’t want you to.
“But I need to go home,” I said, my eyes meeting his. “My parents are going to kill me.”
“Taken care of. You’re at Sophie’s house.”
I loved Sophie.
“So I’m…staying here?”
“Daniel’s covering for you.”
I loved Daniel.
“Where’s Katie?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
“Eliza’s house.”
I loved Eliza.
“And your parents?” I asked.
“Some charity thing.”
I loved charity.
“So why are you going to read when I’m right here?”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“How’re we getting to King’s Cross tomorrow, Dad?” asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.
“The Ministry’s providing a couple of cars,” said Mr. Weasley.
Everyone looked up at him.
“Why?” said Percy curiously.
“It’s because of you, Perce,” said George seriously. “And there’ll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-”
“-for Humongous Bighead,” said Fred.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“I’m calm,” Rachel insisted. “Every time I’m around you, some monsters attack us. What’s to be nervous about?”
“Look,” I said. “I’m sorry about the band room. I hope they didn’t kick you our or anything.”
“Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb.”
“Was it hard?” Annabeth asked.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“You look lousy,’ he said.
Jace blinked. ‘Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.’
‘No I mean it. You don’t look good.’
‘This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn’t deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that’s no reason to-‘
‘I am not trying to insult you.’ Simon snapped.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
― W.C. Fields

“What happened to your tan?”–Fang
“It was dirt.” –Max”
― James Patterson, The Final Warning

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.”
“That’s my girl.”
― Emma Chase, Tangled

“If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.”
― Douglas Adams

“Curran looked back at me. “Why is it you always attract creeps?”
“You tell me.” Ha! Walked right into that one, yes, he did.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes

“I feel like, like pudding,” Iggy groaned. “Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.”
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

“I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
― Benjamin Franklin

“Death: “THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT.”
Albert: “Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.”
― Terry Pratchett

“I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.”
― George Carlin

“He’d been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.”
― Terry Pratchett, Mort

“I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.”
― Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband

“We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.”
― Bill Watterson

“I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”
― Woody Allen

“I can only assume,” said Jace, “that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Astriola. That IS demon pox. You had evidence that demon pox existed and you didnt mention it to me! Et tu, Brute!’ He rolled up the paper and hit Jem over the head with it.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: ‘Duh.”
― Conan O’Brien

“Rabbit’s clever,” said Pooh thoughtfully.
“Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit’s clever.”
“And he has Brain.”
“Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit has Brain.”
There was a long silence.
“I suppose,” said Pooh, “that that’s why he never understands anything.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
― Mark Twain

“Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”
― Tim Burton, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

“For some stories, it’s easy. The moral of ‘The Three Bears,’ for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.’ The moral of ‘Snow White’ is ‘Never eat apples.’ The moral of World War I is ‘Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Wide Window

“No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Invisible things are the only realities.”
― Edgar Allan Poe, Loss of Breath

“If you were me, then I’d be you, and if I were you, then I’d hide somewhere far away.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.”
― Taylor Swift

“No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”
― George Lucas, The Star Wars Trilogy

“The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I’m the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

“Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

“Max, you’re the last of the hybrids who still has…a soul.’ … ‘She doesn’t have soul,’ Gazzy scoffed. ‘Have you ever seen her dance?”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“Soap?”
“School of America in Paris” he explains. “SOAP”.
Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple’s sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.”
― Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson

“I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.”
― Flannery O’Connor, The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor

“The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“A passport, as I’m sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.”
― Lemony Snicket

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

“He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…
“Okay,” Frank relented. “Sure.” He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. “Uh, how do you—”
Leo chuckled. “Man, you’ve never seen those before? There’s a simple trick to getting out.”
Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.
Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he’d been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.
“Well done, Frank Zhang,” Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. “That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.”
― Paul McCartney

“Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.”
― Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said ‘I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
― Bill Watterson

“Poirot,” I said. “I have been thinking.”
“An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.”
― Agatha Christie, Peril at End House

“Bravo,” said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom’s chest. “The Winter prince and Oberon’s jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron King

“Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. “I’m glad you’re not a guinea pig.”
“Me, too.” I hoped my face wasn’t as red as it felt.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“I said hello to the poodle.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

“Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
– T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
― George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty

“This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”
― Orson Welles

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
― Steve Martin

“What’s that?” he snarled, staring at the envelope Harry was still clutching in his hand. “If it’s another form for me to sign, you’ve got another -”
“It’s not,” said Harry cheerfully. “It’s a letter from my godfather.”
“Godfather?” sputtered Uncle Vernon. “You haven’t got a godfather!”
“Yes, I have,” said Harry brightly. “He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with my news…check if I’m happy….”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don’t forget food. You can go a week without laughing.”
― Joss Whedon

“I know that David Tennant’s Hamlet isn’t till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush…
“To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll…. More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you’re looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and… for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?”
― Neil Gaiman

“Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.”
― Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.”
― Charlie Chaplin

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright

“I felt like one of Apollo’s sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“What are you grinning at?” Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. “Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we’re both on the verge of an enormous joke.”
“Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“Cynics are simply thwarted romantics.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“It’s okay,” I said soothingly. “You’re just getting your stride back. Once you’re up to full power, I’ll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.”
She groaned. “The horrible part is that I don’t think you’re joking.”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“You could start a fire with the heat between you two.”
“You’re mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.”
― Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.”
― G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

“If I’m walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.”
― Mercedes Lackey

“The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they’ve found it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

“Great, tell me when you’ve defeated Voldemort for me, will you?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“I turned to Dionysus. “You cured him?”
“Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple.”
“But…you did something nice. Why?”
He raised and eyebrow. “I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven’t you noticed?”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx

“Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“You should try not to talk so much, friend. You’ll sound far less stupid that way.
– Breeze”
― Brandon Sanderson, The Final Empire

“Well,” Tessa said, sighting along the line of the knife, “you behave as if you dislike me. In fact, you behave as if you dislike us all.”
“I don’t,” Gabriel said. “I just dislike him.” He pointed at Will.
“Dear me,” said Will, and he took another bite of his apple. “Is it because I’m better-looking than you?”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
― Erma Bombeck

“A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement”
― Jess C. Scott

“We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk or something?” Minho asked, pulling Thomas’s attention away from Alby.
“Go ahead,” Newt replied.
Minho nodded and faced the crowd. “Be careful,” he said dryly. “Don’t die.”
― James Dashner, The Maze Runner

“Then you’re aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I’ve ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him.”
“Yes,” Jace said, unable to help himself, “I was trained to be an evil mastermind from a young age. Pulling the wings off flies, poisoning the earth’s water supply — I was covering that stuff in kindergarten. I guess we’re all just lucky my father faked his own death before he got to the raping and pillaging part of my education, or no one would be safe.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Alas! Earwax!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“It unscrews the other way.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

“What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are still
swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.
“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”
She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an underground
tunnel.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
― George Carlin

“You’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.”
― Joss Whedon

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Try not to have a good time…this is supposed to be educational.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“أحيانا أميل إلى قراءة الكتابات الخرافية، بالأمس عكفت ساعة على قراءة ميثاق حقوق الإنسان”
― محمد عفيفي

“It has often been said
there’s so much to be read,
you never can cram
all those words in your head.

So the writer who breeds
more words than he needs
is making a chore
for the reader who reads.

That’s why my belief is
the briefer the brief is,
the greater the sigh
of the reader’s relief is.

And that’s why your books
have such power and strength.
You publish with shorth!
(Shorth is better than length.)”
― Dr. Seuss

“Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.”
― Joss Whedon

“Did you ever want to set someone’s head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you’re the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I’ll find you. Oh, yes.”
― Warren Ellis, Transmetropolitan, Vol. 5: Lonely City

“This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Reptile Room

“If you drink much from a bottle marked ‘poison’ it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.”
― Lewis Carroll

“I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans – one perfect, the other blemished by that tiny ripple. “You’re very attractive.”

I’ve been complimented on my appearance before. But never in his tone of voice. Of all the things he’s said, I don’t know why this catches me off guard. But it startles me so much that without thinking I blurt out, “I could say the same about you.” I pause. “In case you didn’t know.”

A slow grin spreads across his face. “Oh, trust me. I know.”
― Marie Lu, Legend

“Isn’t it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle–it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It’s not an act of bitterness. It’s an act if self-preservation. It’s not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?”
― Ally Condie, First Day

“Look on the bright side,” said Simon, “If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I’m not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”
― Mae West

“Sane is boring.”
― R.A. Salvatore

“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.”
― Socrates

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
― Woody Allen

“I’ve always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.”
― John Barrowman

“Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“Nobody’s ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“You’re a stalker with hooves.”
“I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.
“I’ve had nothing yet,” Alice replied in an offended tone, “so I can’t take more.”
“You mean you can’t take less,” said the Hatter: “it’s very easy to take more than nothing.”
“Nobody asked your opinion,” said Alice.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Take off your shirt.”
Jace raised his eyebrows.
“I’m not going to attack you,” she said impatiently. “I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. “Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“Blackjack,” Percy said, “this is Piper and Jason. They’re friends.”
The horse nickered.
“Uh, maybe later,” Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she’d never seen it in action.
“What does Blackjack want?” she asked.
“Donuts,” Percy said. “Always donuts.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.”
― Libba Bray

“I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?”
― Jess C. Scott, Wicked Lovely

“Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It’s made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!”
― Roald Dahl

“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.”
― Bill Hicks

“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.”
― Oliver Goldsmith, She Stoops to Conquer

“I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.”
“I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.”
“I am your loyal servant and I just did.”
“Refusal means death.”
“Kill me then.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
― Bill Watterson

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin

“A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

“That’s some catch, that Catch-22,” he observed.

“It’s the best there is,” Doc Daneeka agreed.”
― Joseph Heller, Catch-22

“How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?”
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.”
― James Patterson, School’s Out—Forever

“It’s probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he’s absolutely lethal.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World

“You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident,” Butch said.
Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. “You broke my window.”
“Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it.”
“Twice.”
“Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

“If you want some advice—which I’m sure you don’t—you guys should lay off on the magic. Christian still thinks you’re moving in on Lissa.”
“What?” he asked in mock astonishment. “Doesn’t he know my heart belongs to you?”
“It does not. And no, he’s still worried about it, despite what I’ve told him.”
“You know, I bet if we started making out right now, it would make him feel better.”
“If you touch me,” I said pleasantly, “I’ll provide you with the opportunity to see if you can heal yourself. Then we’d see how badass you really are.”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.”
― Groucho Marx

“Elend: I kind of lost track of time…
Breeze: For two hours?
Elend: There were books involved.”
― Brandon Sanderson, The Well of Ascension

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.”
― Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“Well, we were always going to fail that one,” said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner’s reflection.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“Who knows how to make love stay?

1. Tell love you are going to Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if loves stays, it can have half. It will stay.

2. Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a moustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.

3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning.”
― Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

“Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks… then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get.
It’s really not even fair to everyone else.”
― Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart

“Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles”
― Rowena Cherry, Knight’s Fork

“He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“Poison!” Grover yelped. “Don’t let those things touch you or…”
“Or we’ll die?” I guessed.
“Well…after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.”
“Let’s avoid the swords,” I decided.”
― Rick Riordan

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
― Woody Allen

“I heard the man and woman cry a warning as I frantically racked my brain for some sort of throat-repairing spell, which I was clearly about to need. Of course the only words that I actually managed to yell at the werewolf as he ran at me were, ‘BAD DOG!’

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of blue light on my left. Suddenly, the werewolf seemed to smack into an invisible wall just inches in front of me….

“You know,” someone said off to my left, “I usually find a blocking spell to be a lot more effective than yelling ‘Bad dog,’ but maybe that’s just me.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Hex Hall

“…inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.”
― Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

“Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“I’m the Super-sized McShizzle, man!” Leo said. “I’m Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“It’s lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.”

“Don’t be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it’s a gigantic cake-”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

“I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.”
― Peter Ustinov

“Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren’t these the same questions as last year’s [physics] final exam?
Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.”
― Albert Einstein

“I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.”
― Bill Hicks

“FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.”
― Stephen King, Doctor Sleep

“Are you sleepwalking?’ A voice asked behind me.
“I was testing dorm security,” I said. “It sucks.”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“I quote others only in order the better to express myself.”
― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.”
― Harlan Ellison

“This is Leo. I’m the… What’s my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or…”
“Repair boy.”
“Very funny, Piper.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?”
― Kurt Cobain

“Jeez, Hazel,” Percy said, “tell your horse to watch his language.”
Hazel tried not to laugh. “What did he say?”
“With the cussing removed? He said he can get us to the top.”
Frank looked incredulous. “I thought the horse couldn’t fly!”
This time Arion whinnied so angrily, even Hazel could guess he was cursing.
“Dude,” Percy told the horse, “I’ve gotten suspended for saying less than that…”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar”
― Jim Butcher, Dead Beat

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.”
― Roald Dahl

“Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!”

He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write.

Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form?

Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“We have to be back in three hours,” Ronan said. “I just fed Chainsaw but she’ll need it again.”
“This,” Gansey replied “is precisely why I didn’t want to have a baby with you.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys

“We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin

“(Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)
“How do you find America?”
“Turn left at Greenland.”
― Ringo Starr

“The Council agrees,” Zeus said. “Percy Jackson, you will have one gift from the gods.”
I hesitated. “Any gift?”
Zeus nodded grimly. “I know what you will ask. The greatest gift of all. Yes, if you want it, it shall be yours. The gods have not bestowed this gift on a mortal hero in many centuries, but, Perseus Jackson-if you wish it-you shall be made a god. Immortal. Undying. You shall serve as your father’s lieutenant for all time.”
I stared at him, stunned. “Um…a god?”
Zeus rolled his eyes. “A dimwitted god, apparently. But yes. With the consensus of the entire Council, I can make you immortal. Then I will have to put up with you forever.”
“Hmm,” Ares mused. “That means I can smash him to a pulp as often as I want, and he’ll just keep coming back for more. I like this idea.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.”
― Robin McLaurin Williams

“You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?”
I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.”
He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.”
― Colleen Hoover, Hopeless

“Reyna sent me to get Percy,” Frank said. “Did Octavian accept you?”
“Yeah,” Percy said. “He slaughtered my panda.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“Hermione launched herself forwards and started punching every inch of him that she could reach.
‘Ouch — ow — gerroff! What the — ? Hermione — OW!’
“You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”
She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“We could visit him,” suggests Will. “But what would we say? ‘I didn’t know you that well, but I’m sorry you got stabbed in the eye’?”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.”
The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?”
The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly.
I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave

“As I am sure you know, when people say ‘It’s my pleasure,’ they usually mean something along the lines of, ‘There’s nothing on Earth I would rather do less.’ […]”
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

“I’m Draco Malfoy, I’m Draco, I’m on your side!”
Draco was on the upper landing, pleading with another masked Death Eater. Harry Stunned the Death Eater as they passed: Malfoy looked around, beaming, for his savior, and Ron punched him from under the cloak. Malfoy fell backward on top of the Death Eater, his mouth bleeding, utterly bemused.
“And that’s the second time we’ve saved your life tonight, you two-faced bastard!” Ron yelled.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry.”
― Oscar Wilde

“I don’t accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says to me ‘Well, you haven’t been there, have you? You haven’t seen it for yourself, so my view that it is made of Norwegian Beaver Cheese is equally valid’ – then I can’t even be bothered to argue. There is such a thing as the burden of proof, and in the case of god, as in the case of the composition of the moon, this has shifted radically. God used to be the best explanation we’d got, and we’ve now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining. So I don’t think that being convinced that there is no god is as irrational or arrogant a point of view as belief that there is. I don’t think the matter calls for even-handedness at all.”
― Douglas Adams

“I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.”
― Rudyard Kipling, Under The Deodars

“A great nose may be an index
Of a great soul”
― Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac

“Mythologically speaking, if there’s anything I hate worse than trios of old ladies, it’s bulls. Last summer, I fought the Minotaur on top of Half-Blood Hill. This time what I saw up there was even worse: two bulls. And not just regular bulls – bronze ones the size of elephants. And even that wasn’t bad enough. Naturally they had to breathe fire, too.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren’t missionaries.”
I opened my eyes wide. “No? Well, for God’s sake, don’t tell them. They’d be crushed. Thinking they’re doing the
Lord’s work and all.”
― James Patterson, School’s Out—Forever

“In Ireland, you go to someone’s house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you’re really just fine. She asks if you’re sure. You say of course you’re sure, really, you don’t need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don’t need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn’t mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it’s no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting.

In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don’t get any damned tea.

I liked the Irish way better.”
― C.E. Murphy, Urban Shaman

“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.”
― Jon Stewart

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”
― Stephen Colbert

“V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.”
― Jess C. Scott, EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

“He could totally be your boyfriend,” [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. “You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog.”
“I’m only a kid!” I shrieked. “I can’t get married!”
“You could in New Hampshire.”
My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? “Forget it! No one’s getting married!” I hissed. “Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, before I kill you!”
― James Patterson, Max

“The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.”
― Criss Jami

“As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.”
― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

“Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.”
― Meg Cabot, Big Boned

“This isn’t life in the fast lane, it’s life in the oncoming traffic.”
― Terry Pratchett

“Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
― Isaac Asimov

“Think, think, think.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“There are never enough ‘I love you’s.”
― Lenny Bruce

“You’re only a man! You’ve not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!”
― Georgette Heyer, Powder And Patch

“The Death Eaters can’t all be pure-blood, there aren’t enough pure-blood wizards left,” said Hermione stubbornly. “I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It’s only Muggle-borns they hate, they’d be quite happy to let you and Ron join up”
“There is no way they’d let me be a Death Eater!” said Ron indignantly….”My whole family are blood traitors! That’s as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!”
“And they’d love to have me,” said Harry sarcastically. “We’d be best pals if they didn’t keep trying to do me in.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
― Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns

“Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

“They’re book addicts.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Miserable Mill

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”
― Rita Rudner

“A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.”
― Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

“You sneaked into my cabin?”
Annabeth rolled her eyes. “Percy, you’ll be seventeen in two months. You can’t seriously be worried about getting in trouble with Coach Hedge.”
“Uh, have you seen his baseball bat?”
“Besides, Seaweed Brain, I just thought we could take a walk. We haven’t had any time to be together alone. I want to show you something—my favorite place aboard the ship.”
Percy’s pulse was still in overdrive, but it wasn’t from fear of getting in trouble. “Can I, you know, brush my teeth first?”
“You’d better,” Annabeth said. “Because I’m not kissing you until you do. And brush your hair while you’re at it.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Being a detective isn’t all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant…The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.”
― Derek Landy

“How do I know you’ll keep your word?” asked Coraline.
“I swear it,” said the other mother. “I swear it on my own mother’s grave.”
“Does she have a grave?” asked Coraline.
“Oh yes,” said the other mother. “I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.”
― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

“Magic
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I’ve had to make myself.”
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

“Do you think it’s possible for an entire nation to be insane?”
― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

“If we’re going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don’t know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don’t want them to die of excitement.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.”
― Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys

“I didn’t know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“Fresh is better. But you’ve never drunk fresh blood. Have you?”
Simon raised his eyebrow in response.
“Well, aside from mine of course,” Jace said. “And I’m pretty sure my blood is fan-tastic.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.”
― Megan McCafferty, Sloppy Firsts

“Boys. I’d turn gay if they weren’t so sexy. ”
― Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls’ Dance

“I’ll be famous one day, but for now I’m stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.” – Greg Heffley,”
― Jeff Kinney, Diary of a Wimpy Kid

“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”
― Mark Twain

“Crap, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I’m thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood,” Claire said. “Is that it?”

“No, I was thinking we’re out of chips. Of course that’s what I was thinking.”
― Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
― Abraham Lincoln

“Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning

“Fine! I’ll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I’m in my pj’s”
“I’m a guy. That’s like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Silence

“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“I couldn’t believe I’d come this far, lost Tyson, suffered through so much, only to fail – stopped by a big stupid monster in a baby-blue tuxedo kilt. Nobody was going to swat down my friends like that! I mean…nobody, not Nobody. Ah, you know what I mean.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.”
― Susan Ee, World After

“Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.”
― Augusten Burroughs

“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.”
― Bill Watterson

“It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient’s friends.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.”
― Flannery O’Connor, Mystery and Manners: Occasional Prose

“I’m going to talk to her.”
“And how’s that going to go? You’re just going to walk up to her and say, ‘Hey, I know you’ve never seen me before, but I’m your dad. Oh, and guess what? You’ve won the evolutionary lottery: You’re a vampire. Let’s go to Disneyland!”
― J.R. Ward, Dark Lover

“Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours – he was incredibly good at it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.”
― Albert Camus, The Stranger

“You were wrong. She really is the new general in town.”
I smiled back, hoping he wasn’t aware of my body’s reaction to us standing so close. “Maybe. But, it’s okay. You can still be colonel.”
He arched an eyebrow. “Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel’s right below general. What’s that make you?”
I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I’d swiped when we’d come back inside. “The driver,” I said.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something?
–Z
P.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn’t mind.

Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see each other outside our school in a social environment, free of competetiton. I do not view other boys as threats, and I enjoy making them seem insignificant by calling them the wrong names. (Translation by Macey McHenry)”
― Ally Carter, Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy

“Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

“Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, ‘Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency’.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!

“It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs and Other Stories

“Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts”
― Jim Morrison

“I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.'”
Dimitri sighed.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.”
“No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor.”
Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“
Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire

“Is there any point asking what you’re going to make me do on Sunday?’
‘Not really.’
Okay. ‘Is there any point asking what you’re going to do to me?’
He grinned wickedly. ‘Not really.’
Fabulous. ‘Does it involve the use of a safe word?’
‘That will depend entirely on you.’ Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. ‘I’ll be gentle,’ Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.
I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘You’re evil.’
In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. ‘And you’re mine,’ he said, then walked away.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“Run first,’ Shane said. ‘Mourn later.’
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.”
― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

“Leo couldn’t help smiling. “That could be fun.”
“Fun” she said unhappily.
“Blue elephants.”
“Blue elephants.”
“Kiss me you fool.”
“You fool.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“I hate you,” I muttered.
Noah smiled wider. “I know.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“I’m right and you’re wrong, I’m big and you’re small, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
― Roald Dahl, Matilda

“These books can’t possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time.”
Faukman’s eyes went wide. “Don’t tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.”
“I was referring to the Bible.”
Faukman cringed. “I knew that.”
― Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code

“You smell good,” he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled.
“Really?”
“Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“Number of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers: 3 — two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)”
― Ally Carter

“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can’t move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn’t been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won’t be troubling you much longer.”
― Douglas Adams, The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”
― Dorothy Parker

“He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave

“Hello, Minister!” bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. “Did I mention I’m resigning?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.”
― Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
― Jon Stewart

“We are not going to die.”

Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. “We’re not?”

“No. And do you know why?” He shook his head. “Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I’m too stubborn to die.” I hauled on the shirt even harder. “And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.”
― Jim Butcher, Dead Beat

“In life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s because they’re stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance… Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.”
― Marjane Satrapi, Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood

“Do you mean ter tell me,” he growled at the Dursleys, “that this boy—this boy!—knows nothin’ abou’—about ANYTHING?”
Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren’t bad.
“I know some things,” he said. “I can, you know, do math and stuff.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Awww,” Minho said. “That’s almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.”
― James Dashner, The Death Cure
“Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They’ll not be able to once you lop off their heads.”
― Christopher Paolini, Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr

“An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.”
― Stephen Fry

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ”
― Jerry Lewis

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.”
― Neal Stephenson

“Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’
Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘… Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
― George Carlin

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
― Carl Sagan, Broca’s Brain: Reflections on the Romance of Science
“If somebody says ‘I love you’ to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? ‘I love you, too’.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons

“And now,” Eric yelled into his mircophone, “we’re going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one’s for my girlfriend. We’ve been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We’re gonna be together forever, baby. This one’s called ‘Bang You Like a Drum.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“Your brain is doing some great work when it’s laughing.”
― Jon Scieszka, Funny Business

“Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying ‘Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?’
26 And the Angel said, ‘I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.’
27 And the Lord did not ask him again.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.

“What,” I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, “the hell?”

“You were convinced they were your pets,” Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. “You wouldn’t let me touch them.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?'”
“The mood will pass, sir.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

“Don’t go looking for boys in the dark
They will say pretty things then
leave you with scars.
Do go looking for boys in the park
For that is where the true gentlemen are.”
― Anna Godbersen, The Luxe

“Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji?”
“What?” He looks mortally offended. “Do I look like the kind of guy who’s never had a girlfriend? Have you even met me?”
― Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me

“I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”
(Letter 16, 1657)”
― Blaise Pascal, The Provincial Letters

“I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.”
― Geoff Johns, Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls

“Bad news, Harry. I’ve just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I’d got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn’t care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“This book was written using 100% recycled words.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

God created war so that Americans would learn Geography.Mark Twain “Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry” said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron’s raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying “oh you know what I mean – Goyle’s Potion looked like bogies.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm’s Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
― Bill Watterson

“You’re not a woman,” he said finally. “You’re the Grim Reaper with red hair!”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“Gym should be illegal. It’s humiliating.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit,” Valkyrie said.
China glanced at her. “They’ve obviously never met me.”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”
― Dorothy Parker

“We’re not retreating, we’re advancing in reverse.’ –Skulduggery Pleasant”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck…Attempting harder to give a fuck…Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given.”
― Suzanne Wright, Feral Sins

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
― Groucho Marx

“I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to ‘God’ are all answered at about the same 50% rate.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Almost everything strange washes up near Miami. ”
― Rick Riordan

“Ronan said, “I’m always straight.”
Adam replied “Oh, man, that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys

“No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.”
― Ernest Cline, Ready Player One

“Would you mind repeating that? I’m afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I’ve longed to hear.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“If I ever meet myself,’ said Zaphod, ‘I’ll hit myself so hard I won’t know what’s hit me.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Q: You’er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?

A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work!

BKA (bird kid answer): Or you could just, like, fly over it.”

― James Patterson, Max
“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”
― David Mamet, Boston Marriage

“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”
― Jon Stewart

“The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

“The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter… or at least, most minds are…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Frank stared at him. “Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it’s unfair that I can be an elephant?”
Percy considered. “Okay. I guess you got a point. But the next time I say you’re totally beast-”
“Just shut up,” Frank said. “Please.”
Percy cracked a smile.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
fool who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter. ”
― Pablo Neruda

“Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I’m changing it to ‘God Hates Baguettes.’ It’s tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“Here is a lesson in creative writing.

First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.

And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I’m kidding.

For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I’m kidding.

We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I’m kidding.

If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

“Interviewer: ‘So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?’
Frank Zappa: ‘You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?”
― Frank Zappa

“Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good.”
― Lora Brody

“Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy?
“I try very hard to be annoying,” Leo said. “Don’t insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I’m a lowly mechanic. You’re like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I’m supposed to resent you.”
“Lord of the Universe?” (Jason)
“Sure, you’re all-bam! Lightning man. And ‘Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-” (Leo)
“Shut up, Valdez.” (Jason)
Leo managed a little smile. “Yeah, see. I do annoy you.”
“I apologize for apologizing.” (Jason)
“Thank you.” He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“I can’t give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you’d set it on fire.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“His Majesty needs a can-I girl anyway. And I’m not it.”
“A can-I girl?” Andrea frowned.

I leaned back. “‘Can I fetch your food, Your Majesty? Can I tell you how strong and mighty you are, Your Majesty? Can I pick your fleas, Your Majesty? Can I kiss your ass, Your Majesty? Can I…”

It dawned on me that Raphael was sitting very still. Frozen, like a statue, his gaze fixed on the point above my head. “He’s standing behind me, isn’t he?”

Andrea nodded slowly.

“Technically it should be ‘may I’,” Curran said, his voice deeper than I remembered. “Since you’re asking for permission.”

Why me?

“To answer your question, yes, you may kiss my ass. Normally I prefer maintain my personal space, but you’re a Friend of the Pack and your services have proven useful once or twice. I strive to accommodate the wishes of persons friendly to my people. My only question is, would kissing my ass be obeisance, grooming, or foreplay?”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes

“Do not do that again,” he said stiffly.
“Don’t kiss me back then,” I retorted.
He stared at me for what seemed like forever. “I don’t give ‘Zen lessons’ to hear myself talk. I don’t give them because you’re another student. I’m doing this to teach you control.”
“You’re doing a great job,” I said bitterly.”
― Richelle Mead, Frostbite
“I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave

“My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“EARLY BIRD
Oh, if you’re a bird, be an early bird
And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
If you’re a bird, be an early early bird–
But if you’re a worm, sleep late.”
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

“There was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself, but also the other people in the room. Like, I realize that this is irrational, but when they tell you that you have, say, a 20 percent chance of living five years, the math kicks in and you figure that’s one in five . . . so you look around and think, as any healthy person would: I gotta outlast four of these bastards.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?”
― Bill Bryson, The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America

“You’re Hell’s Angels, then? What chapter are you from?’

‘REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“I don’t put up with being messed around, and I don’t suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I’m a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.”
― Robin McKinley, Sunshine

“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.”
― Dave Barry

“They laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
― Kurt Cobain

“Meaning what? We’re going to pretend nothing’s going on? That’s stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.”
Have you been watching Oprah again?”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal

“There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”
― David Foster Wallace, This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life

“Where’s Simon?” Clary interrupted.

Isabelle wobbled. “He’s a rat,” she said darkly.

Did he do something to you?” Alec was full of brotherly concern. “Did he touch you? If he tried anything-”

No, Alec,” Isabelle said irritably. “Not like that. He’s a rat.”

She’s drunk,” said Jace, beginning to turn away in disgust.

I’m not,” Isabelle said indignantly. “Well, maybe a little, but that’s not the point. The point is, Simon drank one of those blue drinks- I told him not to, but he didn’t listen- and he turned into a rat.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”
― Douglas Adams

“Z: “You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck.”

Phury: “That was you?”

Z:”You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Awakened

“Definition of rock journalism: People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.”
― Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

“You are your mother’s trueborn son of Lannister.”

“Am I?” the dwarf replied, sardonic. “Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he’s never been sure.”

“I don’t even know who my mother was,” Jon said.

“Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are.” He favored Jon with a rueful grin. “Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs.”

And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune.

When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

“Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.”
― Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita

“We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.”
― Jim Butcher, Grave Peril

“The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.”
― Arthur Schopenhauer, Religion: A Dialogue and Other Essays

“The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?”
― Jess C. Scott, I’m Pretty

“He who hesitates is a damned fool.”
― Mae West

“People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-u-i and not w-e-e.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“People talk too much. Humans aren’t descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind

“Life is like a box of chocolates.”
― Winston Groom, Gump and Co.

“Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“Fate,” Blue replied, glowering at her mother, “is a very weighty word to throw around before breakfast.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys

“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”
― Steve Martin

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.”
― Kristin Cashore, Fire

“Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.”
― Robert E. Howard

“Piece of Heaven?”

“No, that other place I’m going to go to for thinking what I’m thinking.”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell

“My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.”
― Jess C. Scott, EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

“And, whoa!” He turned to Mr.D. “Your the wine dude? No way!”
Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. “The wine dude?”
“Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I’ve got your figurine!”
“My figurine.”
“In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you’ve only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!”
“Ah.” Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. “Well, that’s…gratifying.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“I think it’s kinda nice.’ And I did. my mom isn’t famous for her pies. No, she’s famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.”
― Ally Carter, I’d Tell You I Love You, But Then I’d Have to Kill You

“Once the others were below, Hazel and Leo faced each other awkwardly. They were alone except for Coach Hedge, who was back on the quarterdeck singing the Pokémon theme song. The coach had changed the words to: Gotta Kill ’Em All, and Leo really didn’t want to know why.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“You’re the queen, and it’s the queen’s house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he’s highly unlikely ever to be queen.”
― Kristin Cashore, Fire

“TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.”
― Douglas Coupland, JPod

“As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.”
― Tad Williams

“Well, that’s an evil smile…”
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

“Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.”
― Anna Godbersen, Splendor

“And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It’s good for you.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night

“No matter what dimension you’re in, there’s a big-headed male trying to take over the world.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“You fuck – you ate my cat!”
― Kendare Blake, Anna Dressed in Blood

“Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams

“I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I’d already done it… does that make sense?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
― Lily Tomlin

“I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.”
― Brandon Sanderson

“Stairs,” Valkyrie said, disappointed.
“Not just ordinary stairs,” Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. “Magic stairs.”
“Really?”
“Oh, yes.”
She followed him into the darkness. “How are they magic?”
“They just are.”
“In what way?”
“In a magicky way.”
She glared at the back of his head. “They aren’t magic at all, are they?”
“Not really.”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.”
― John Green

“His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he’s really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody’s life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I’m all yers.”
― Moira Young, Blood Red Road

“Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it.”
― Terry Pratchett

“Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!”
― Colleen Houck

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”
― Woody Allen

“Five syllables,” Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. “That would be real bad.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“So–what’s it like, being a vampire?”

“Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what’s it like to be a vampire!”

“I don’t see why,” Aline said. “He hasn’t been a vampire that long, has he? So he must still remember what it was like being a person.” She turned back to Simon. “Does blood taste like blood to you? Or does it taste like something else now, like orange juice or something? Because I would think the taste of blood would-”

“It tastes like chicken,” Simon said, just to shut her up.

“Really?” Aline looked astonished.

“He’s making fun of you, Aline,” said Sebastain”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
― Colleen Hoover, Point of Retreat

“Sex had been amazing, but it wasn’t a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I’d picked up common sense.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin.
Don’t die.
I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me.
Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You’re already dead.
He laughed. You know, for once, it’s good to be me.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry

“To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“That’s brain tissue. How can you-?” Claire shut her mouth, fast. “Never mind. I don’t think I wanna know.”

“Truly, I think that’s best. Please take it.” He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. “I’m giving you a piece of my mind.”

“I so wish you hadn’t said that.”
― Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools

“I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.”
― Steve Martin

“If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?”
― P.C. Cast, Tempted

“Why is it that all cars are women?” he asked.

“Because they’re fussy and demanding,” answered Zee.

“Because if they were men, they’d sit around and complain instead of getting the job done,” I told him.”
― Patricia Briggs, Silver Borne

“I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.”
I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.
No?”
Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“It’s a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bites

“One of the world’s most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer “a deck of cards” or “Anna Karenina” when the obvious answer is “a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.”
― Lemony Snicket

“You’d be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dream Warrior

“Really, these wizards! You’d think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?” she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.
“I’m dying of boredom,” Howl said pathetically. “Or maybe just dying.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”
― George Carlin

“The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Now what happens?” asked the man in black.
“We face each other as God intended,” Fezzik said. “No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.”
“You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword and we’ll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride
“To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.”
― Leonard Bernstein

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.”
― Ronald Reagan

“A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage – what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird.”
― Lady Gaga

“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
― Françoise Sagan

“The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.”
― Carl Sagan

“Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.”
― Lemony Snicket, The End

“Right,” she said, “We’re going to the Land of the Dead and I shouldn’t think negative.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
― George Burns

“And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower

“Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.”
― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

“There’s some heinous fuckery goin’ on mon.”
― Christopher Moore, Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

“Are you insinuatin’ that my daughter is a liar?”
“Oh, no, not at all. I’m saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“I was once reproved by a minister who was driving a poor beast to some meeting-house horse-sheds among the hills of New Hampshire, because I was bending my steps to a mountain-top on the Sabbath, instead of a church, when I would have gone farther than he to hear a true word spoken on that or any day. He declared that I was ‘breaking the Lord’s fourth commandment,’ and proceeded to enumerate, in a sepulchral tone, the disasters which had befallen him whenever he had done any ordinary work on the Sabbath. He really thought that a god was on the watch to trip up those men who followed any secular work on this day, and did not see that it was the evil conscience of the workers that did it. The country is full of this superstition, so that when one enters a village, the church, not only really but from association, is the ugliest looking building in it, because it is the one in which human nature stoops the lowest and is most disgraced. Certainly, such temples as these shall erelong cease to deform the landscape. There are few things more disheartening and disgusting than when you are walking the streets of a strange village on the Sabbath, to hear a preacher shouting like a boatswain in a gale of wind, and thus harshly profaning the quiet atmosphere of the day.”
― Henry David Thoreau, A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers

“Well then,” Roen said briskly, “are you sleeping?”
“Yes.”
“Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?”
“No,” Brigan said gravely. “I’ve not eaten in two months. It’s a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.”
“Gracious,” Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. “Have an apple, dear.”
― Kristin Cashore, Fire

“I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I’m definitely not religious, and I’m very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people’s behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there’s nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don’t know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said ‘If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.’

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.”
― Dave Barry, Dave Barry Does Japan

“Thinking is hard work, which is why you don’t see many people doing it.”
― Sue Grafton

“Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they’re honest about everything.”
― Chuck Klosterman

“You look too pretty to be useful.”

“Truer words were never spoken.”
― Richelle Mead, Bloodlines

“Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page,” Radar said. “For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don’t think it’s accurate to say, ‘Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried.”
― John Green

“If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

“One of the greatest myths in the world – & the phrase ‘greatest myths’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘big fat lies’ — is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Ersatz Elevator

“That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.”
― Bill Watterson

“Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It’s the crack cocaine of the literary world.”
― Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels

“I can’t go on, I’ll go on.”
― Samuel Beckett, I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On: A Samuel Beckett Reader

“Yeah, but the lost diadem,” said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, “is lost, Luna. That’s sort of the point.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“Death, taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

“If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
― Philip K. Dick

“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”
― Groucho Marx

“A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.”
― Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas

“Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.”
― Terry Pratchett, Thud!

“Huh,” Leo said. “Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You’re not a total klutz.”
She smirked. “A job, eh?” Making things in your forge?”
“Nah, we could start our own shop,” Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he’d never told anyone about it. “Leo and Calypso’s Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters.”
― Rick Riordan, The House of Hades

“Oh, look at that, he’s heard of me. My fame grows.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”
― Woody Allen

“I love you and it’s getting worse.”
― Joseph E. Morris

“As with most of life’s problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.”
― Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown’s Little Book of Wisdom

“Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it’s startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are ‘We’re number two!”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
― Woody Allen

“Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.

She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.

On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed.
Cool.”
― J.R. Ward, Dark Lover

“Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?”
“Only once” said Hermione stung. “I got you loads more then you got me—”
“I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—”
“Well if you’re counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand—”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
― George Carlin

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
― Calvin Trillin

“Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.
On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. “Is that a coatrack?”
Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. “If you’d been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.”
“Yes,” said Jace. “Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She’d much prefer to read a good book.”
― Terry Pratchett, Soul Music

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“You’re still here. No beer. I’m not corrupting a minor.”
“But you’re a minor,” she pointed out. “At least for beer.”
“Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I’m an adult if I kill somebody, and I’m not if I want a beer?”
― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”
― Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters

“I don’t like it when I outweigh my men.”
― Patricia Briggs, Moon Called

“The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.
I feel like I’m walking down into a porn movie,” V muttered as they took the steps with care.
Wouldn’t that require more black candles for you,” Zsadist cracked.
At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of…black candles with ruby color flames.
I take that back,” Z said, eyeing the display.
We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit,” V cut in, “can I start calling you Z-packed?”
Not if you want to keep breathing.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Avenged

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

“My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it’ll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It’s like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.”
― A.J. Jacobs, The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.”
― Charles Addams

“And it’s Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”
― Bill Watterson, It’s a Magical World: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection

“Wear that scarf,” he said, pointing to a blue cashmere scarf hanging on a peg. “It matches your eyes.”
Alec looked at it. Suddenly he was filled with hate – for the scarf, for Magnus, and most of all for himself. “Don’t tell me,” he said. “The scarf’s a hundred years old, and it was given to you by Queen Victoria right before she died, for special services to the Crown or something.”
Magnus sat up. “What’s gotten into you?”
Alec stared at him. “Am I the newest thing in this apartment?”
“I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He’s only two.”
“I said newest, not youngest,” Alec snapped.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we’re all one?”
― Bill Hicks

“Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.”
― George Carlin

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
― Drew Carey

“Everyone thinks you’ve been kidnapped,” he said. “We’ve been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you’ve been here all night?”
“Frank!” Annabeth’s ears were as red as strawberries. “We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That’s it.”
“Kissed a couple of times,” Percy said.
Annabeth glared at him. “Not helping!”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Pooh,” said Rabbit kindly, “you haven’t any brain.”
“I know,” said Pooh humbly.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“Who are you?” he asked.
I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George’s shop?’
‘How did you…?’
‘Harry, please. You’re talking to the man who raised Fred and George.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we’re going to be having a shufti to see if it’s solid, aren’t we, we’re not going to be asking, ‘Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“When you’re the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.”
― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

“You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?

Well chirp fucking chirp…this is one of those moments.”
― Emma Chase, Tangled

“We’re going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

“How could I be sleeping with this particular man…. Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.”
― Margaret Atwood, Lady Oracle

“Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life. ”
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

“This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.”
― Ben Elton, Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book

“Are you any good at it?”
“Pulling idiots out of the snow? I’m the best.”
― Cynthia Hand, Unearthly

“Yes Yes

when God created love he didn’t help most
when God created dogs He didn’t help dogs
when God created plants that was average
when God created hate we had a standard utility
when God created me He created me
when God created the monkey He was asleep
when He created the giraffe He was drunk
when He created narcotics He was high
and when He created suicide He was low

when He created you lying in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time

He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe.”
― Charles Bukowski

“I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that’s permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.”
― Edna St. Vincent Millay

“But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Hex Hall

“My dad used to say that life’s a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.”
― Rachel Caine, Kiss of Death

“I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Revealed

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”
― George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
― George Carlin

“You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.”
― Jane Austen

“There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.”
― Joss Whedon

“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”
― Matt Groening, The Big Book of Hell

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
― Steven Wright

“My muscles informed me they did not want to go through any more exercise today. So I suggest that maybe he should let me off this time. He laughed, and I’m pretty sure it was at me…not with me.
“Why is that funny?”
“Oh,” he said, his smile dropping. “You were serious.”
“Of course I was! Look, I’ve technically been awake for two days. Why do we have to start this training now? Let me go to bed.” I whined. “It’s just one hour.”

“How do you feel right now?”
“I hurt like hell.”
“You’ll feel worse tomorrow.”
“So?”
“So, better get a jump on it while you still feel…not as bad.”
“What kind of logic is that?” I retorted.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

“I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”
― George Carlin

“My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.”
― Woody Allen

“I’m the warlock who’s here to cure you. Didn’t they tell you I was coming?”

“I know who you are, but…” Maia looked dazed. “You look so…so…shiny.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Best of Wodehouse: An Anthology

“I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.”
― Bill Hicks

“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?”
― Shannon L. Alder

“Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ – one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn’t a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.”
― Julia Quinn, Romancing Mister Bridgerton

“I had fun last night,” I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. “I’m officially in love with your sheets.”

“That the only thing you’re in love with?”

“Nope. Your mattress, too.”

Some smile crept into Patch’s eyes. “My bed’s an open invitation.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Silence

“I wouldn’t marry Giddon to save my life,” Katsa said. “Not even to save yours.”
“Well.” Raffin’s eyes were full of laughter. “I’d leave that part out.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.”
― Rumiko Takahashi

“I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“So,” he called to her back, “Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?”
“You think it’ll be so easy?” she called back over her shoulder. “No way. There will be tasks. Like in a fairy tale.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“Very, so think twice.”

“No need,” he said. “You’re worth it.”
― Laini Taylor, Days of Blood & Starlight

“God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful…”
― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

“The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.”
― Bill Hicks

“Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”
― Mark Twain, Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

“He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did.
What he did was put the fear of God into them.
More precisely, the fear of Crowley.
In addition to which, every couple of months Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly, or succumbing to leaf-wilt or browning, or just didn’t look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the other plants. “Say goodbye to your friend,” he’d say to them. “He just couldn’t cut it. . . ”
Then he would leave the flat with the offending plant, and return an hour or so later with a large, empty flower pot, which he would leave somewhere conspicuously around the flat.
The plants were the most luxurious, verdant, and beautiful in London. Also the most terrified.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“molesting the vampire while he’s too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i’m pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“If you need help bark like a dog.” – Gendry.
“That’s stupid. If I need help I’ll shout help.” – Arya”
― George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

“Nice dress. Take it off.”
― Janet Evanovich

“To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl Band 1-3

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
― Ashleigh Brilliant

“Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.”
― Steve Martin

“I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
― Bill Watterson

“Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?”
I’ll try to get one for each of us. Hey! ‘If’?”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“We fatties have a bond, dude. It’s like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don’t know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d’you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins. …A fatty trusts another fatty.”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“-BDB on the board-
Knitter’s Anonimous
May 8, 2006
Rhage (in his bedroom posting in V’s room on the board)
Hi, my name is V.
(“Hi, V”)
I’ve been knitting for 125 years now.
(*gasping noises*)
It’s begun to impact my personal relationships: my brothers think I’m a nancy. It’s begun to affect my health: I’m getting a callus on my forefinger and I find bits of yarn in all my pockets and I’m starting to smell like wool. I can’t concentrate at work: I keep picturing all these lessers in Irish sweaters and thick socks.
(*sounds of sympathy*)
I’ve come seeking a community of people who, like me, are trying not to knit.
Can you help me?
(*We’re with you*)
Thank you (*takes out hand-knitted hankie in pink*)
(*sniffles*)
(“We embrace you, V”)

Vishous (in the pit): Oh hell no…you did not just put that up. And nice spelling in the title. Man…you just have to roll up on me, don’t you. I got four words for you, my brother.

Rhage: Four words? Okay…lemme see… Rhage, you’re so sexy.
hmmm….
Rhage, you’re SO smart. No wait! Rhage, you’re SO right! That’s it, isn’t it…g’head. You can tell me.

Vishous: First one starts with a “P”
Use your head for the other three.
Bastard.

Rhage: P? Hmm… Please pass the yarn

Vishous: Payback is a bitch!

Rhage: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m so scuuuuuurred.
Can you whip me up a blanket to hide under?”
― J.R. Ward, The Black Dagger Brotherhood: An Insider’s Guide

“I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.”
― Mel Brooks

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
― Groucho Marx

“I’m not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare who says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest

“I don’t like lollipops.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“I am Dead, but it’s not so bad. I’ve learned to live with it.”
― Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

“Are you a female dog?”
“What?” Massie asked. “Why?”
“Because you are acting like a real bitch!”
― Lisi Harrison, The Clique

“Laughter is carbonated holiness.”
― Anne Lamott

“In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!”
― Jim Butcher, Summer Knight

“Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don’t come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they’re having a piss.”
― Banksy, Banging Your Head Against a Brick Wall

“You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?”, then a voice answers “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing… maybe you’ve got to attack him while he’s in the shower, Harry.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.
“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.
“Ow!”
“Taste the rainbow bitch.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Retribution of Mara Dyer

“Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there’s something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-”

“Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand,” Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness.”
― Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

“The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you’re fussing that he’s tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.”
― Robin McKinley, Sunshine

“All right,” Clara said. “We have our swordsman, so let’s get moving. Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it’s a party.”
― Kristin Cashore, Fire

“Did he just rip out the engine?” I asked.
“Yes”, Saiman said. “And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it.”
Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.
The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.
He shrugged. “It begged for a soundtrack.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

“Your stepfather? I’d like to meet him.”
Oh no… why?
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
“Are you ashamed of me?”
“No!” It’s my turn to sound exasperated. “Introduce you to my dad as what? ‘This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship’. You’re not wearing running shoes.”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

“If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.”
― James A. Michener

“Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”
― Mae West

“What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.”
― Mark Twain

“It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

“Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

“As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.”
― Cassandra Clare

“I want to do it too!” (sitting motionless)
Nudge: “Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church.”
Max: (muttering) “Appropriately enough.”
Iggy: “What about me?” (stands still)
Max: “No, you’re visible.”
Iggy: “Am not!”
Max: (throws a pinecone at him) “Could I do that if I wouldn’t see you?”
― James Patterson, The Final Warning

“You have something on your neck.
What
Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway?
Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head.
And ran into a vampire
What? No! I fell.
On your neck?”
― Cassandra Clare

“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I don’t think you should be an Auror, Harry,” said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. “The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They’re working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a mixture of dark magic and gum disease.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.”
― Cassandra Clare

“You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!”
― Kresley Cole, Kiss of a Demon King

“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
― Robert Bloch

“I still don’t belong to anyone – I am mine.”
― Morrissey

“It was ironic, really – you want to die because you can’t be bothered to go on living – but then you’re expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and hoist ropes and do complicated knots and attach things to other things and kick stools from under you and mess around with hot baths and razor blades and extension cords and electrical appliances and weedkiller. Suicide was a complicated, demanding business, often involving visits to hardware shops.

And if you’ve managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over. At that point you might as well just go to work.”
― Marian Keyes, Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married

“You won’t even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?”
“I’ve a knife in my boot,” she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.”
― Stephen Hawking

“I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

“When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.
But laughing is exactly what I did.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Hex Hall

“He’s around the twist,’ said Azalea. ‘Breaking all the windows? He’s mad.’
‘Ah, no,’ said the King. ‘It’s only madness if you actually do it. If you want to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don’t actually do it, well, that’s love.”
― Heather Dixon, Entwined

“For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“Popularity’s a weird thing. You can’t really define it, and it’s not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.”
― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

“Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
No hope, no harm; just another false alarm”
― Morrissey

“The sign was spray-painted in Arabic and English, probably from some attempt by the farmer to sell his wares in the market. The English read: Dates-best price. Cold Bebsi.
“Bebsi?” I asked.
“Pepsi,” Walt said. “I read about it on the Internet. There’s no ‘p’ in Arabic. Everyone here calls the soda Bebsi.”
“So you have to have Bebsi with your bizza?”
“Brobably.”
― Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.”
― Sam Levenson

“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”
― Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home

“Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.”
― Thomas Bernhard, Correction

“I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.”
― Steve Martin, Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life

“I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food”
― Erma Bombeck

“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”
― Dave Barry

“I have never voted in my life… I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it’s certain they will win.”
― Louis-Ferdinand Céline

“It’s just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it’s time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.”
― Karen Marie Moning, Faefever

“You’re Valentine’s son. I’m sure you’re the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you’re charming. Maybe not at the moment.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“When in doubt, look intelligent.”
― Garrison Keillor

“What ho!” I said.
“What ho!” said Motty.
“What ho! What ho!”
“What ho! What ho! What ho!”
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, My Man Jeeves

“Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?”
― Salvador Dalí

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ”
― Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns Fifty

“Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing–
turn your toes out when you walk—
And remember who you are!”
― Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

“Don’t ever call me mad, Mycroft. I’m not mad. I’m just … well, differently moraled, that’s all.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair

“I may not look like much, but I’m an expert at pretending to be a ninja.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“A joke is a very serious thing.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.”
― Jim Butcher, Summer Knight

“Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.”
― Heather Brewer, Eighth Grade Bites

“I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“Sharp as hell,” Lightsong said, “but lacking a point.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.”
― George Carlin

“Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.”
― Jim Butcher, Small Favor

“Writers don’t make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don’t work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffee, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about throwing the schmuck’s book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man’s stupid words. And for this, as I said, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more.”
― Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality

“Why are you limping like that?’ Nicholas demanded.
‘I’m swaggering,’ I informed him.
‘You look like you’re wearing a diaper.’
Charming. And I had a crush on this guy.
Wait.
I had a crush on this guy?
‘Now what?’ he asked. ‘You’re making weird faces.’
‘Nothing,’ I said quickly. ‘Never mind.”
― Alyxandra Harvey, My Love Lies Bleeding

“Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!”
― Warren Ellis

“There’s no trouble in this world so serious that it can’t be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“I think computer viruses should count as life … I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image.”
― Stephen Hawking

“I mean, d’you know what eternity is? There’s this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there’s this little bird-”

“What little bird?” said Aziraphale suspiciously.

“This little bird I’m talking about. And every thousand years-”

“The same bird every thousand years?”

Crowley hesitated. “Yeah,” he said.

“Bloody ancient bird, then.”

“Okay. And every thousand years this bird flies-”

“-limps-”

“-flies all the way to this mountain and sharpens its beak-”

“Hold on. You can’t do that. Between here and the end of the universe there’s loads of-” The angel waved a hand expansively, if a little unsteadily. “Loads of buggerall, dear boy.”

“But it gets there anyway,” Crowley persevered.

“How?”

“It doesn’t matter!”

“It could use a space ship,” said the angel.

Crowley subsided a bit. “Yeah,” he said. “If you like. Anyway, this bird-”

“Only it is the end of the universe we’re talking about,” said Aziraphale. “So it’d have to be one of those space ships where your descendants are the ones who get out at the other end. You have to tell your descendants, you say, When you get to the Mountain, you’ve got to-” He hesitated. “What have
they got to do?”

“Sharpen its beak on the mountain,” said Crowley. “And then it flies back-”

“-in the space ship-”

“And after a thousand years it goes and does it all again,” said Crowley quickly.

There was a moment of drunken silence.

“Seems a lot of effort just to sharpen a beak,” mused Aziraphale.

“Listen,” said Crowley urgently, “the point is that when the bird has worn the mountain down to nothing, right, then-”

Aziraphale opened his mouth. Crowley just knew he was going to make some point about the relative hardness of birds’ beaks and granite mountains, and plunged on quickly.

“-then you still won’t have finished watching The Sound of Music.”

Aziraphale froze.

“And you’ll enjoy it,” Crowley said relentlessly. “You really will.”

“My dear boy-”

“You won’t have a choice.”

“Listen-”

“Heaven has no taste.”

“Now-”

“And not one single sushi restaurant.”

A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.”
― Will Cuppy

“The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other’s eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.”
― Jody Gehrman, Babe in Boyland

“Fall off your own roof.”
― Veronica Rossi, Under the Never Sky

“I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”
― Johnny Depp

“Haven’t you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?”
“Only from ugly people,” Jace confided. “The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.” He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome.”
― Gena Showalter, Heart of Darkness

“I’ve never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons,” said Luna, sounding mildly interested. “That was noisier than I thought it would be.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
― Chris Rock

“Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It’s my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she…
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school’s so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident

“CONJUGATE THIS:
I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish today. Gracias a dios. Hasta luego.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that’s just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it’s a joke.”
― Søren Kierkegaard, Either/Or, Part I

“When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred.”
― Masashi Kishimoto

“We’re being lead by an idiot with a crayon.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
‘Turn on the dark,
I’m afraid of the light.”
― Shel Silverstein

“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”
― Bill Hicks

“I’ve noticed that when people are joking they’re usually dead serious, and when they’re serious, they’re usually pretty funny.”
― Jim Morrison

“Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? ”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin And Hobbes

“Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won’t answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!”
― J.K. Rowling

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.”
― Cassandra Clare

“In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.”
― Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf

“A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs and Other Stories

“It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.”
― Andrew Jackson

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. – Hitchens 3:16”
― Christopher Hitchens

“The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.”
― Abraham Lincoln

“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
― Steven Wright

“Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, The Funny Thing Is…

“So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you’re saying?”
― Jim Butcher, Death Masks

“Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.”
― William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

“If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens

“Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start.”
― Jason Mraz

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.”
― Tina Fey

“I don’t know how you persist in being so stubborn-”
“It’s a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.”
― Shannon Hale, The Actor and the Housewife

“There aren’t any syringes.” Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. “I know you’ll use this wisely.”
“Wisely?” She snapped the syringe out of his hand. “No, I’m going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that’s what they trained me to do in medical school.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

“Which way did they go, Peeves?” Filch was saying. “Quick, tell me.”
“Say ‘please.'”
“Don’t mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?”
“Shan’t say nothing if you don’t say please,” said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice.
“All right- PLEASE.”
“NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn’t say nothing if you didn’t say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!” And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Can’t you just like a girl who likes you back?’
‘None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.”
― Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park

“You know what I can’t understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I’ve been telling you for years. So why don’t you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it’s a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?”
― David Nicholls, One Day

“Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters

“They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.”
― Eddie Izzard
“It’s not that I want you to go, it’s just that I don’t want you to stay.” – China Sorrows -”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”
― Ogden Nash

“The world isn’t fair, Calvin.”
“I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“Mary-Lynnette: “You have not read ‘Pride and Prejudice’.”
Ash: “Why not?”
Mary-Lynnette: “Because Jane Austen was a human.”
Ash: “How do you know?”
Mary-Lynnette: “Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you’re a chauvinist pig.”
Ash: “Yes, well, that I can’t argue.”
― L.J. Smith

“If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I’ll have to risk it.”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“You’re an investigator – can’t nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y’all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.”
― Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment

“If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.”
― Kelley Armstrong

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
― George Carlin

“Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.”
― John Green

“See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.”

Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?”

“Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?”

“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”

“What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!”
― Marissa Meyer, Cress

“I have to return some videotapes”
― Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho

“What do you think they’re going to do to us when they find us guilty?” she says after a few minutes of silence have passed.
“Honestly?”
“Does now seem like the time for honesty?”
I look at her from the corner of my eye. “I think they’re going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap.”
― Veronica Roth, Insurgent

“I am no king, and I am no lord,
And I am no soldier at-arms,” said he.
“I’m none but a harper, and a very poor harper,
That am come hither to wed with ye.”

“If you were a lord, you should be my lord,
And the same if you were a thief,” said she.
“And if you are a harper, you shall be my harper,
For it makes no matter to me, to me,
For it makes no matter to me.”

“But what if it prove that I am no harper?
That I lied for your love most monstrously?”

“Why, then I’ll teach you to play and sing,
For I dearly love a good harp,” said she.”
― Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

“But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I’m going to blame John Cusack.”
― Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto

“Why are they going to disappear him?’
I don’t know.’
It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t even good grammar.”
― Joseph Heller, Catch-22

“If you didn’t grow up like I did then you don’t know, and if you don’t know it’s probably better you don’t judge.”
― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

“Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.”
― Scott Adams

“Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. ‘Will you swear?’
And Myrnin said, shockingly, ‘I will.’ And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, ‘—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!’ and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. ‘Is that what you meant, my lord?”
― Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools

“This is the best night of my life,” Raffy says, crying.
“Raffy, half our House has burnt down,” I say wearily. “We don’t have a kitchen.”
“Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?” she asks. “We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets.”
Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.”
― Melina Marchetta, On the Jellicoe Road

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”
― Victor Borge

“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.”
― Mark Twain

“Don’t blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there’s this new club called civilization and you guys should join.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.”
― Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.

“I can’t believe he didn’t have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,” said Jace. “I must say, I’m disappointed in the little fellow.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Don’t forget to give Neville our love!’ Ginny told James as she hugged him.
‘Mum! I can’t give a professor love!’
‘But you know Neville-‘
James rolled his eyes.
‘Outside, yeah, but at school he’s Professor Longbottom, isn’t he? I can’t walk into Herbology and give him love….”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something.”
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn’t even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?”
― Eoin Colfer

“Let’s be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.”
― Lena Dunham

“Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.”
― Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

“They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.
“Get the mail, Dudley,” said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.
“Make Harry get it.”
“Get the mail, Harry.”
“Make Dudley get it.”
“Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“…crackers…” a voice breathed out nehind us, “yesss…”
Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep.
I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling.
“He dreams about food,” he said. “A lot.”
― Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds

“Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity.”
― Lemony Snicket

“If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.”
― Jesse Andrews, Me & Earl & the Dying Girl

“Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny.”
― Bruce Springsteen

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.”
― George F. Will

“We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.”
“Scrabble?” He sounds surprised. “Scrabble’s great.”
“Not when you’re playing with a family of geniuses, it’s not. They all put words like ‘iridiums’. And I put ‘pig’.”
― Sophie Kinsella, I’ve Got Your Number

“A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.”
― Johnny Depp

“Geez, you guys. I know I’m popular and all, but seriously, you’re a bit too co-dependent for me. I’m going to need you to step away from my personal bubble.” A wispy vine-woman curled ivy tendrils around his arm, and he sliced through them with his dagger. “No! Bad Wraith! No touchie!”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron Knight

“Since I don’t smoke, I decided to grow a mustache – it is better for the health.
However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: “Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?”
Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.”
― Salvador Dalí, Dalí’s Mustache

“Well sure, who doesn’t need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.”
― Rachel Cohn, Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares

“Please, Percy…change your clothes. You smell like you’ve been run over by an electric horse.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see…”
“You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?”
“No,” said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him, “nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people.”
“Odd,” said Arthur, “I thought you said it was a democracy.”
“I did,” said Ford. “It is.”
“So,” said Arthur, hoping he wasn’t sounding ridiculously obtuse, “why don’t people get rid of the lizards?”
“It honestly doesn’t occur to them,” said Ford. “They’ve all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they’ve voted in more or less approximates to the government they want.”
“You mean they actually vote for the lizards?”
“Oh yes,” said Ford with a shrug, “of course.”
“But,” said Arthur, going for the big one again, “why?”
“Because if they didn’t vote for a lizard,” said Ford, “the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?”
“What?”
“I said,” said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, “have you got any gin?”
“I’ll look. Tell me about the lizards.”
Ford shrugged again.
“Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happenned to them,” he said. “They’re completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone’s got to say it.”
“But that’s terrible,” said Arthur.
“Listen, bud,” said Ford, “if I had one Altairian dollar for every time I heard one bit of the Universe look at another bit of the Universe and say ‘That’s terrible’ I wouldn’t be sitting here like a lemon looking for a gin.”
― Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

“Chocolate is God’s apology for brocolli”
― Richard Paul Evans, The Sunflower

“That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy.”
Pex was unrepentant. “Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us … all those things.”
But—buried alive! That’s like in that horror movie. Y’know — the one with all the horror.”
I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?”
Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. — Dogbert’s Motto”
― Scott Adams

“May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!”
― Aleister Crowley, Moonchild

“Playing with fire Kitten?”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“In this dirty minded world, you are either someone’s wife or someone’s whore. And if you’re not either people think there is something wrong with you….but there is nothing wrong with me”
― John Irving, The World According to Garp

“St. Clair clears his throat. ‘My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I’d ask you all to join us, but I don’t want you there.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Isla and the Happily Ever After

“The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. ‘It’s not what you think,’ she said. ‘It was just—oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now, what?”
― Rachel Caine, Lord of Misrule

“I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
― George Carlin

“You’re such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Revealed

“Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.”
― Molly Ivins, Molly Ivins Can’t Say That, Can She?

“Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots”
― Albert Einstein

“I didn’t know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long.” -Nudge”
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

“Hmm…” Jason snapped his fingers. “I can call a friend for a ride.”
Percy raised his eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Me too. Let’s see whose friend gets here first.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
― George Carlin

“I have gone temporarily deaf and haven’t any idea what you said, Harry.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“You’re thinking I’m one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I’m not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.”
― Scott Adams

“You’ve got no sense of humor.”
“I’m going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.”
― J.D. Robb, Imitation in Death

“You can’t save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can’t save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy does not work during a gun battle, or a knife fight either. Outside of that it works just fine.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Guilty Pleasures

“Have any of you wondered what I did with all the cash Pekka Rollins gave us?”
“Guns?” asked Jesper.
“Ships?” queried Inej.
“Bombs?” suggested Wylan.
“Political bribes?” offered Nina. They all looked at Matthias. “This is where you tell us how awful we are,” she whispered.”
― Leigh Bardugo, Crooked Kingdom

“What was that?” Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner.
“Brill,” Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on.
“Again?” Belgarath demanded with exasperation. “What was he doing this time?”
“Trying to fly, last time I saw him.” Silk smirked.
The old man looked puzzled.
“He wasn’t doing it very well,” Silk added.
Belgarath shrugged. “Maybe it’ll come to him in time.”
“He doesn’t really have all that much time.” Silk glanced out over the edge.
“From far below – terribly far below – there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. “Does bouncing count?” Silk asked.
Belgarath made a wry face. “Not really.”
“Then I’d say he didn’t learn in time.” Silk said blithely.”
― David Eddings, Magician’s Gambit

“Haven’t you ever heard of the saying, “If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!”?’ –Lin
If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!’ –Ed”
― Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 14

“Wow. When he started looking back on the war with Kronos as the good old days–that was sad.”
― Rick Riordan, The House of Hades

“Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.”
― Terry Pratchett

“Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?”
― Bill Hicks

“Now Darkstripe,’ Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, ‘is neither young, nor pretty.”
― Erin Hunter

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Don’t bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It’s disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.”
― Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park

“Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn’t the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.”
― Mike Royko

“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Well? Is it true? Did she?”
“Did she what?”
“You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
― Ellen Goodman

“Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink with
rhinestones.”
― Kiersten White, Paranormalcy

“…How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?”
“In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden’s mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty,” he replied.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

“Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

“Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t. ”
― Pete Seeger

“He’d changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped short. He look like an evil male model, showing off what the fashionable college-age villain was wearing to Harvard this year.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“No one believes a liar. Even when she’s telling the truth.”
― Sara Shepard, Heartless

“Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

“There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”
[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]”
― Dorothy Parker

“She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn’t help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn’t mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn’t apply to Calypso. Obviously.”
― Rick Riordan, The House of Hades

“Now what state do you live in?’
‘Denial.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“What are you talking about?” Narcissus demanded. “I am amazing. Everyone knows this.”
“Amazing at pure suck,” Leo said. “If I was as suck as you, I’d drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?” Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.
“Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know,” Claire said.
“Then why are you all up in my grill?” Massie said through her teeth.”
― Lisi Harrison, The Clique

“I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.”
“Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?”
Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off.”
― Michael Grant, Hunger

“Most men don’t seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.”
~ Liberty Jones”
― Lisa Kleypas, Sugar Daddy

“Oh, of course,” said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. “I forgot we’ll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“So far Kat has been through all the Wa’s she could think of, but Hale hadn’t admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He’d firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him to do a very bad Sherlock Holmes impersonation throughout a good portion of a train ride to Edinburgh, Scotland. And Wayne seemed so wrong she hadn’t even tried.

Hale was Hale. And not knowing what the W’s stood for had become a constant reminder to Kat that, in life, there are some things that can be given but never stolen.

Of course, that didn’t stop her from trying.”
― Ally Carter, Heist Society

“No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat’s cradle is nothing but a bunch of X’s between somebody’s hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X’s . . .”
“And?”
“No damn cat, and no damn cradle.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Cat’s Cradle

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”
― Mark Twain

“Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I’d be doing a hundred and twenty.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Strip Tease

“I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe’s way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you’re gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I’ve gotta stop I’ve gotta come to my senses, I’ve been out riding fences for so long… oops I did it again… um… What I’m trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don’t remember anything else that I’ve said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. ”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“I don’t know what I was expecting a vampire’s room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus… oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.
What can I say? I read a lot of books.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Hex Hall

“See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”
A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.”
― Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

“When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

“The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.”
― Dave Barry

“Hey, Carlos,” the Professor says when he walks in. “How was REACH?”
“It sucked.”
“Can you be more specific?” my guardian asks.
“It really sucked,” I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word.”
― Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction

“Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall.”

The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺ

ʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“Yeah, the whole family knows. It’s no big deal. One night at dinner I said, ‘Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.’ It was easier for her to understand that way.”
― Holly Black, Tithe: A Modern Faerie Tale

“She craved a tall glass of the fresh-squeezed lemonade from the pitcher she’d left chilling in the fridge. Two glasses served with a generous slice of pound cake with orange glaze icing sounded twice as nice.”
― Ed Lynskey, Fur the Win

“Four be the things I’d have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea

“I just rely on natural talent,” said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon’s Lair. “When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much.”
― Richelle Mead, Bloodlines

“Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.”
― Zora Neale Hurston

“It doesn’t matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don’t appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-”
“You invented the internet?”
It was my idea, Martha said.
Rats are delicious, George said.
“It was my idea!” Hermes said. “I mean the internet, not the rats. But that’s not the point.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“Dev-“Come in peace or leave in pieces”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Bad Moon Rising

“In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.”
― Susan Ee, Angelfall

“Hey, our hair’s the same color,” I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.
“Sure is, girlfriend.” Eric grinned at me.”
― Charlaine Harris, Living Dead in Dallas

“From now on, I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success…. I’m just here to cash in.”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.”
― Richard Pryor

“I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt

“My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.”
― Oscar Wilde

“When I asked my da how ye knew which was the right woman, he told me when the time came, I’d have no doubt. And I didn’t. When I woke in the dark under that tree on the road to Leoch, with you sitting on my chest, cursing me for bleeding to death, I said to myself ‘Jamie Fraser, for all ye canna see what she looks like, and for all she weights as much as a good draft horse, this is the woman.”
― Diana Gabaldon, Outlander

“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”
[Mark Twain, a Biography]”
― Mark Twain

“There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.”
― Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

“It’s my turn to see you through,’ she whispers, coming back to me and wrapping me in her blanket as I lose my shit all over again. She holds me until I recover my Y chromosome.”
― Gayle Forman, Where She Went

“A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, “Ouch. What in the hell was that for?” “Your timing sucks on an epic level,” Daemon shot back.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
― A. Whitney Brown

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.”
― Mark Twain

“Sissy Mae Smith…stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. “You pack like a woman,” she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. “How can one man have so much conditioner?”

His mouth filled with French toast, Mitch pointed at his hair and snarled, “Tawny mane! Do you think this shit stays this beautiful on its own? It needs care and love! Which is more than I’m getting from you!”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“She sighed, annoyed at her restlessness. “So,” she said, disrupting Wolf in another backward glance.
“Who would win in a fight—you or a pack of wolves?”
He frowned at her, all seriousness. “Depends,” he said, slowly, like he was trying to figure out her motive for asking. “How big is the pack?”
“I don’t know, what’s normal? Six?”
“I could win against six,” he said. “Any more than that and it could be a close call.”
Scarlet smirked. “You’re not in danger of low self-esteem, at least.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing at all.” She kicked a stone from their path. “How about you and … a lion?”
“A cat? Don’t insult me.”
She laughed, the sound sharp and surprising. “How about a bear?”
“Why, do you see one out there?”
“Not yet, but I want to be prepared in case I have to rescue you.”
The smile she’d been waiting for warmed his face, a glint of white teeth flashing. “I’m not sure. I’ve never had to fight a bear before.”
― Marissa Meyer, Scarlet

“No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country.”
― George S. Patton Jr.

“Life… is like a grapefruit. Well, it’s sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It’s got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.”
― Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

“It is perfectly monstrous,’ he said, at last, ‘the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Bones has always been smart,” I muttered. “His intelligence was just camouflaged under a mountain of p**sy.”
Cat”
― Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave

“Lynn, she saved half our faction from this stuff,” says Marlene, tapping the bandage on her arm from where the Dauntless traitors shot her. “Well, half of half of our faction.”
“In some circles they call that a quarter, Mar,” Lynn says.”
― Veronica Roth, Insurgent

“Disappointment came to me,
and booted me,
and bruised and hurt me,
but that’s how people grow up.”
― Morrissey

“Well,’ I said. ‘I could strip off my clothes and reveal to you that under my jeans and sweatshirt I’m actually wearing a tank top and short-shorts, much like Lara Croft from Tomb Raider…only mine are flame-retardant and covered in glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers.’
No one stirred. Not even Christopher, who actually has a thing for Lara Croft.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ I went on. ‘Glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers are so last year. But I think they add a certain je ne sais quoi to the whole ensemble. It’s true, short-shorts are uncomfortable under jeans and hard to get off in the ladies’ room, but they make the twin thigh-holsters in which I hold my high-caliber pistols so easy to get to….’
The oven timer dinged.
‘Thank you, Em,’ Mr. Greer said, yawning. ‘That was very persuasive.”
― Meg Cabot, Airhead

“Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.”
― T.S. Eliot, The Sacred Wood

“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”
― Barney Stinson

“It wasn’t until I’d walked halfway across the parking lot that I realized: 1. I wasn’t wearing shoes.
A. Or a shirt.
2. I didn’t bring my keys
A. Or anything really.
3. I’d just left a complete stranger in my apartment.
A. Naked.

Whoever said one-night stands were supposed to be simple with no strings attached had clearly never met the disaster that was me.”
― Cora Carmack, Losing It

“Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
― Chelsea Handler

“She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn’t mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

“Isabelle snorted, “All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.”
“You noticed,” said Simon.
“I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,” added Magnus.
“Please never say those words in front of my parents,” said Alec.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.”
― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

“Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.”
― Jess C. Scott, EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

“Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
― Groucho Marx

“There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.”
― Lemony Snicket

“Knees suddenly weak, she reached for his forearms to stabilize herself. “You came for me.”

He beamed, looking for all the world like a selfless, daring hero.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Dropping the cane, he pulled her into a crushing embrace that tore her away from Wolf and lifted her clean off the floor. “It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.”
― Marissa Meyer, Cress

“Sensitive,” I tried.

Sam translated: “Squishy.”

“Creative.”

“Dangerously emo.”

“Thoughtful.”

“Feng shui.”

I laughed so hard I snorted. “How do you get feng shui out of ‘thoughtful’?”

“You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful ways.” Sam shrugged. “To make you calm. Zenlike. Or something. I’m not one hundred percent sure how it all works, besides the thoughtful part.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver

“My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.”
― Christopher Hitchens

“The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.
I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled, “Fuck subtle.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
― George Carlin

“Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.
I’d finally found something Eric did poorly.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead as a Doornail

“Find something useful to do with your morning,’ she thought to him as she neared her chambers. ‘Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one’s looking and then rescue him.”
― Kristin Cashore, Bitterblue

“Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa,” intoned Opal, finishing her chant. “Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.”
― Clarence Darrow, The Story of My Life

“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.”
― Steve Martin

“Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn’t want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you’d cheat! I knew you’d win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming “Aaaaaaaaaaaa”, then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it’s just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!”
― Bill Watterson

“Everything stinks till it’s finished.”
― Dr. Seuss

“You! You tricked me! I never want to see you or that bottle of liquid arsenic again!”

I chucked the empty moonshine jug at him. Or tried to. It missed him by a dozen feet.

He picked it up in astonishment. “You drank the whole bloody thing? You were only supposed to have a few sips!”

“Did you say that? Did you?” He reached me just as I felt the ground tip. “Didn’t say anything. I’ve got those names, so that’s all that matters, but you men…you’re all alike. Alive, dead, undead—all perverts! I had a drunken pervert in my pants! Do you know how unsanitary that is?”

Bones held me upright. I would have protested, but I couldn’t remember how to. “What are you saying?”

“Winston poltergeisted my panties, that’s what!” I announced with a loud hiccup.

“Why, you scurvy, lecherous spook!” Bones yelled in the direction of the cemetery. “If my pipes still worked, I’d go right back there and piss on your grave!”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“I still can’t believe,” Michael said, sotto voce, “that you came to the Vampires’ Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.”
― Jim Butcher, Grave Peril

“Because this absolutely insane – the craziest thing I’d ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I’d give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“I didn’t realize there was a ranking.” I said. “Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. “First you have your generic depressives. They’re a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you’ve got the bulimics and the anorexics. They’re slightly more interesting, although usually they’re just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you’ve got the junkies. They’re completely tragic, because chances are they’re just going to go right back on the stuff when they’re out of here.” “So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain,” I said. Sadie shook her head. “Uh-uh,” she said. “Suicides are.” I looked at her. “Why?” “Anyone can be crazy,” she answered. “That’s usually just because there’s something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?”
― Michael Thomas Ford

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
― Steven Wright

“I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again… I came in through the window… Still, the intent was clear,” said Edward.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Twilight

“My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.”
― Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.

“If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited to
school for Career Day.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“Boys are like purses. You’re always gonna have that one boy that you’re always comfortable with and you know you’ll always kind of like. That’s your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don’t want to be seen with”
― Lauren Conrad

“Death should take me while I am in the mood.”
― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Blithedale Romance

“In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

“An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.”
― H.L. Mencken, A Book of Burlesques

“I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Castle in the Air

“I don’t know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another’s skin on my skin…a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.”
― C. JoyBell C.

“You’re a monster.
Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?
No, just a medal. The budget isn’t inexhaustable.”
― Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game

“Asshole.” “Just for that, I expect you to wrap that dirty mouth of yours around my cock tonight.” He narrowed his eyes on me.

I couldn’t believe he’d just said that to me in a fancy restaurant where anyone might overhear. “Are you kidding?” “Babe,” he gave me a look that suggested I was missing the obvious, “I never kid about blowjobs.”

Our waiter had descended on us just in time to hear those romantic words and his rosy cheeks betrayed his embarrassment. “Ready to order?” he croaked out.“Yes,” Braden answered, obviously uncaring he’d been overhead. “I’ll have the steak, medium-rare.” He smiled softly at me. “What are you having?” He took a swig of water. He thought he was so cool and funny. “Apparently sausage.” Braden choked on the water, coughing into his fists, his eyes bright with mirth as he put his glass back on the table. “Are you okay, sir?” The waiter asked anxiously. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”
― Samantha Young, On Dublin Street

“Nothing’s a better cure for writer’s block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.”
― Don Roff

“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
― W.C. Fields

“Tomorrow is promised to no one.”
― Clint Eastwood

“When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.”
― George Bernard Shaw, Back to Methuselah

“But, of course, you might be asking yourself, ‘Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don’t know! I still don’t know what it is! I’m too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn’t up! I don’t have time to work out if I am a women’s libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?’
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you’re a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said ‘yes’ to both, then congratulations! You’re a feminist.”
― Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman

“Don’t panic. Are you sitting? You probably don’t need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys

“Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dragonswan

“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass

“You can swim, too.” he says. “Where did you learn that in District Twelve?”
“We have a very big bathtub.”
― Suzanne Collins

“Rule number one of anime,” Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in the other. He was wearing a black T-shirt that said I BLOGGED YOUR MOM and a pair of jeans that were ripped in one knee. “Never screw with a blind monk.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn’t exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.”
― Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.”
― Blaise Pascal

“Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.”
― Dale Carnegie

“I’m very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.”
― Graham Parke, Unspent Time

“What’s your name?’ she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.
Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.
‘My name is none of your business,’ he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.
‘Can I call you None for short?”
― Rachel Caine, Carpe Corpus

“So.” [Isobel] cleared her throat. “What are we doing?”

“We,” [Varen] said at last, “are doing a project on Poe.”

“Didn’t he marry his cousin or something?”

“The man is a literary god and that’s all you have to say?”
― Kelly Creagh, Nevermore

“Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They’ll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They’d make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They’d alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, I Had a Dream About You

“I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.”
― Dora J. Arod, I Had a Dream About You

“Arthur: If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?
Ford: We’re safe.
Arthur: Oh good.
Ford: We’re in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.
Arthur: Ah, this is obviously some strange use of the word safe that I wasn’t previously aware of.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“A demigod!” one snarled.
“Eat it!” yelled another.
But that’s as far as they got before I slashed a wide arc with Riptide and vaporized the entire front row of monsters.
“Back off!” I yelled at the rest, trying to sound fierce. Behind them stood their instructor–a six-foot tall telekhine with Doberman fangs snarling at me. I did my best to stare him down.
“New lesson, class,” I announced. “Most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword. This change is completely normal, and will happen to you right now if you don’t BACK OFF!”
To my surprise, it worked. The monsters backed off, but there was at least twenty of them. My fear factor wasn’t going to last that long.
I jumped out of the cart, yelled, “CLASS DISMISSED!” and ran for the exit.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“I called Vee.

“How are you doing?” I asked.

“Good. How are you?”

“Good.”

Silence.

“Okay,” Vee said in a rush, “I am still totally freaked out. You?”

“Totally.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.

“Is there any tea on this spaceship?” he asked.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..”
― Gabriel García Márquez

“Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”
“Tempting,” Percy called down.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Peter, you’re twelve years old. I’m ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.”
― Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game

“But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”
― Ogden Nash

“Basically, everyone thinks–knows–how sweet I am.

Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.”
― Anna Banks, Of Poseidon

“I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.”
― Jess C. Scott, New Order

“Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —”
“Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred.
“YOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY’S BOOK!” yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred’s chest. “You could have died, you could have been seen, you could have lost your father his job —”
It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.
“I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.”
― Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
― Steven Wright

“Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrial
highway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Origin

“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”
― Bill Hicks

“Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“YOU FEAR TO DIE?
“It’s not that I don’t want… I mean, I’ve always…it’s just that life is a habit that’s hard to break…”
― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

“We’re actors — we’re the opposite of people!”
― Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

“Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.”
― René Descartes

“Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to compromise.”
― Janet Evanovich

“James – “Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?”
Elizabeth – “Oh, I’m definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me.”
― Julia Quinn, How to Marry a Marquis

“Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake, and they don’t Think.”
― A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

“If you’re going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God’s sake.”
― Joss Whedon

“I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.”
― Ann Brashares, The Second Summer of the Sisterhood

“You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Okay,” I said. “Just a normal afternoon and two normal people.”
She nodded. “And so…hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?”
“Oh…” I felt like one of Apollo’s sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. “Um…”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Kat laughed. ‘Who wants to live forever?’
Kish put his hand up. ‘For the record, I do.’
Sin scowled at him. ‘Then why do you irritate me so often?’
Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry

“Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me…only he’s an imbecile.”
― Spider Robinson, Off the Wall at Callahan’s

“I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.”
― Peter De Vries

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
― Douglas MacArthur

“He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working. ”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“I’m not a psychopath, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle

“Evey Hammond: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I’m not questioning your powers of observation I’m merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is”
― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta

“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work. ”
― William Faulkner

“It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don’t play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.”
― Patricia Briggs

“I sent a quick text to Adrian: I have a hickey! You can’t ever kiss me again. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be awake this early, so I was surprised to get a response: Okay. I won’t kiss you on your neck again.

So typical of him. No! You can’t ever kiss me ANYWHERE. You said you were going to keep your distance.

I’m trying, he wrote back. But you won’t keep your distance from me.

I didn’t dignify that with a response.”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”
― John Bingham, No Need for Speed: A Beginner’s Guide to the Joy of Running

“She would’ve been a good woman,” said The Misfit, “if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.”
― Flannery O’Connor, A Good Man is Hard to Find and Other Stories

“Room service? Send up a larger room.”

[A Night at the Opera]”
― Groucho Marx

“What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”

“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”

“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

“Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.”
― Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“Man…heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand…heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like tasty stew. But then, once she has heated up, there’s no stopping her.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind

“Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.”
― Henry Ford

“Are you an idiot, or an idiot?’ Gargarin hissed.

‘The first one. I really resent being called the second.”
― Melina Marchetta, Froi of the Exiles

“Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.”
― Kristin Cashore, Bitterblue

“Housework can kill you if done right.”
― Erma Bombeck

“Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“There is a great need for a sarcasm font.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Exactly!” said Deep Thought. “So once you do know what the question actually is, you’ll know what the answer means.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“What…what about when I’m married?”
“We’ll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Lola and the Boy Next Door

“Gabi to Marcus “I can’t believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!”
― Cherise Sinclair, Make Me, Sir

“I am not sure I trust you.”
“You can trust me with your life, My King.”
“But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.”
― Megan Whalen Turner, The King of Attolia

“Have you made any other friends since we’ve been here?”
I gave him the death stare. “Yes, actually.”
“Who? I want a name.”
“Jamie Roth.”
“The Ebola kid? I heard he’s a little unstable.”
“That was one incident.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.”
― Jason Mraz

“We lay there and looked up at the night sky and she told me about stars called blue squares and red swirls and I told her I’d never heard of them. Of course not, she said, the really important stuff they never tell you. You have to imagine it on your own.”
― Brian Andreas

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”
― Steve Martin

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
― Mel Brooks

“The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wintersmith

“I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes.
“I could kiss you!” Chubs cried.
“Please don’t!” I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.”
― Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds

“Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.”
― Eric Idle

“Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much? ”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave

“Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

“To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.”
― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday

“I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”
“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?”
― Kresley Cole, No Rest for the Wicked

“Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don’t know what it is. Well I do. It’s apathy. That’s the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

“I feel ill,” [Howl] announced. “I’m going to bed, where I may die.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.”
― Bill Watterson

“It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.”
― Mark Twain

“Sigh”
“Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?
“Eye roll”
― Colleen Hoover, November 9

“I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. “Thank you.”
“I just went along for the ride. After that happened-” She waved at Derek. “You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Reckoning

“I’m too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Invincible

“Can you define “plan” as “a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance”? If so, it was a very good plan.”
― Jonathan Stroud, The Ring of Solomon

“Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I’ll never be sane.”
― Allen Ginsberg

“What do you think that fish is?’ Sam asked Astrid.
She peered closely at the alleged fish. ‘I think that’s an example of Pesce inedibilis,’ she said.
‘Yeah?’ Sam made a face. ‘Do you think it’s okay to eat?’
Astrid sighed theatrically. ‘Pesce inedibilis? Inedible? Joke, duh. Try to keep up, Sam, I made that really easy for you.’
Sam smiled. ‘You know, a real genius would have known I wouldn’t get it. Ergo, you are not a real genius. Hah. That’s right. I threw down an ‘ergo.”
She gave him a pitying look. ‘That’s very impressive, Sam. Especially from a boy who has twenty-two different uses for the word ‘dude.”
― Michael Grant, Lies

“An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.”
― Albert Einstein

“When you say gorgeous,” Jen started, “are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody?” “No, we’re talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize” Jacque answered.”
― Quinn Loftis, Prince of Wolves

“…cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off–damn ankle straps!–or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave

“When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.”
― Mark Twain

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
― Steven Wright

“We’d spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I’d accidentally swung a sword at her, she’d saved my life, and I’d run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“When God made man she was practicing.”
― Rita Mae Brown, Cat on the Scent

“Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords

“You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I’ll buy you a pony.”
― Jim Butcher, Summer Knight

“Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of “systematically assisting Sisyphus’s stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister,” which is easier done than said.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Hostile Hospital

“The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

“Do you love me, Westley? Is that it?’
He couldn’t believe it. ‘Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches. If your love were—‘
‘I don’t understand the first one yet,’ Buttercup interrupted. She was starting to get very excited now. ‘Let me get this straight. Are you saying my love is the size of a grain of sand and yours is this other thing? Images just confuse me so—is this universal business of yours bigger than my sand? Help me, Westley. I have the feeling we’re on the verge of something just terribly important.’
‘I have stayed these years in my hovel because of you. I have taught myself languages because of you. I have made my body strong because I thought you might be pleased by a strong body. I have lived my life with only the prayer that some sudden dawn you might glance in my direction. I have not known a moment in years when the sight of you did not send my heart careening against my rib cage. I have not known a night when your visage did not accompany me to sleep. There has not been a morning when you did not flutter behind my waking eyelids….Is any of this getting through to you, Buttercup, or do you want me to go on for a while?’
‘Never stop.’
‘There has not been—‘
‘If you’re teasing me, Westley, I’m just going to kill you.’
‘How can you even dream I might be teasing?’
‘Well, you haven’t once said you loved me.’
‘That’s all you need? Easy. I love you. Okay? Want it louder? I love you. Spell it out, should I? I ell-oh-vee-ee why-oh-you. Want it backward? You love I.’
‘You are teasing now; aren’t you?’
‘A little maybe; I’ve been saying it so long to you, you just wouldn’t listen. Every time you said ‘Farm boy do this’ you thought I was answering ‘As you wish’ but that’s only because you were hearing wrong. ‘I love you’ was what it was, but you never heard, and you never heard.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn’t I choose the lesser good?”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Danse Macabre

Richelle Mead
“Do you love him?”
There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.”
― Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice

“Kira: L, do you know
Gods of death
love apples?

L: Damn you, Kira…”
― Tsugumi Ohba, Death Note, Vol. 2: Confluence

“I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing”
― Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me

“I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way…”
“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“I tried to tell you. You said you didn’t care, remember?”
A muscle ticked below his eye. “You should have told me anyway.”
“While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I’m Disease, not Stupid.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night

“Everything here is edible; even I’m edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.”
― Johnny Depp

“I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.”
― Woody Allen

“So it’s true what they say about warlocks, then?”
Alec gave him a very unpleasant look. “What’s true?”
“Alexander,” said Magnus coldly, and Clary met Simon’s eyes across the table. Hers were wide, green, and full of an expression that said Uh-oh. “You can’t be rude to everyone who talks to me.”
Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. “And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He’s pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type.”
“Hey, now,” said Jordan mildly.
Magnus put his head in his hands.
“Or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways, Is there anything you aren’t into?”
“Mermaids,” said Magnus into his fingers. “They always smell like seaweed.”
“It’s not funny,” Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.”
― Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol, Thirty Are Better Than One

“Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound of twittering birds, and find yourself in an enormous canopy bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of freshly made muffins and hand-squeezed orange juice on a silver tray, you will know that your day will be a splendid one. If you wake up to the sound of church bells, and find yourself in a fairly big regular bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of hot tea and toast on a plate, you will know that your day will be O.K. And if you wake up to the sound of somebody banging two metal pots together, and find yourself in a small bunk bed, with a nasty foreman standing in the doorway holding no breakfast at all, you will know that your day will be horrid.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

“It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Her name is Brienne,” Jaime said. “Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?”
Her broad homely face turned red. “Yes.”
“Oh, good,” Jaime said. “I only rescue maidens.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords

“Captain! To your left there’s a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who’s running tests on Lunars and I’m being held by one of Levana’s wolf hybrids and please be careful!”

Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him.

With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative’s grip had weakened.

“Er…” Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. “Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.”
― Marissa Meyer, Cress

“The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.”
― G.K. Chesterton, The Ballad of the White Horse

“To alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems”
― Matt Groening

“I like to write when I feel spiteful. It is like having a good sneeze.”
(Letter to Cynthia Asquith, November 1913)”
― D.H. Lawrence, Letters

“Check out that one at the end. He’s taken the form of a footstool. Weird…but somehow I like his style.”
“That is a footstool.”
― Jonathan Stroud, The Golem’s Eye

“Would you like a cough drop Dolores?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“I’m making a list
I’m making a list of things I must say
For politeness,
And goodness and kindness and gentleness
Sweetness and rightness:
Hello
Pardon me
How are you?
Excuse me
Bless you
May I?
Thank you
Goodbye
If you know some that I’ve forgot,
Please stick them in you eye!”
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

“They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!”
― Osho, Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously

“Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.”
― Dave Barry

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
― Nora Ephron, I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman

“Oh… Adrian, I’ve got one more favor to ask you. A big one.”
“Fondue?” he asked hopefully.”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell

“What’s with what you’re wearing?” Griggs asks while we stand outside waiting for the others.
“It’s pretty hideous, isn’t it?” I say.
“Don’t force me to look at it,” he says. “It’s see-through.”

That kills conversation for a couple of seconds.”
― Melina Marchetta, On the Jellicoe Road

“I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear’s.
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.
Hi, I told him. I’m going to clean your stables. Won’t that be great?
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!
But I’m Poseidon’s son, I protested. He created horses.
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“What’s another word for thesaurus?”
― Steven Wright

“Do you answer a question directly?”
“Hard to say. Ah, there, I’ve done it again”
― Leigh Bardugo, Siege and Storm

“You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!”
― Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever

“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.”
― Francis Bacon

“He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.
And nearly choked to death.
It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me.
“Wh…what is this?” I asked, coughing.
Viktoria grinned. “Vodka.”
I peered at the glass. “No, it isn’t. I’ve had vodka before.”
“Not Russian vodka.”
Apparently not.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

“You’re not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why….this is why I like you.”
― Morrissey

“Glaring at the doctor, Kev spoke in Romany. “Ka xlia ma pe tute.” (I’m going to shit on you.)

“Which means,” Rohan said hastily, “ ‘Please for­give the misunderstanding; let’s part as friends.’ ”

“Te malavel les i menkiva,” Kev added for good mea­sure. (May you die of a malignant wasting disease.)

“Roughly translated,” Rohan said, “that means, ‘May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.’ Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Seduce Me at Sunrise

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, who drinks as much as you do.”
― Dylan Thomas

“I like ducks.” Jem observed diplomatically. “Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park.” He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side. “Remember when you tried to convince me to feed pultry pie the the mallards in the park to see if you couls breed a race of cannibal ducks?”
“They ate it too,” Will reminisced. “Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in “It’s a nice day,” or “You’re very tall,” or “So this is it, we’re going to die.”
His first theory was that if human beings didn’t keep exercising their lips, their mouths probably shriveled up.
After a few months of observation he had come up with a second theory, which was this–“If human beings don’t keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look…” Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt.
“Leave your cloths on, Tori,” Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. “Please.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Summoning

“How do you feel right now?”
“I hurt like hell.”
“You’ll feel worse tomorrow.”
“So?”
“So, better get a jump on this while you still feel…not as bad.”
“What kind of logic is that?” I retorted.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

“If she can’t spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.”
― Beverly Cleary, Ramona’s World

“Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”
“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“Me neither,” Leo admitted.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”
She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN.
“Open it!” Leo yelled again.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Can you enter a house uninvited?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“That would be rude.”
― Abigail Gibbs, Dinner with a Vampire

“You like them,” I realized.
Noah’s eyebrows lifted in question.
“Like as people.”
“As opposed to…furniture?”
“They’re my PARENTS.”
“That is my understanding, yes.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Evolution of Mara Dyer

“I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens

“Intelligent men are dangerous.”
― Patricia Briggs, Dragon Bones

“I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don’t mean utterly, but kill most of them―then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.”
― Mark Twain

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“I can still kick your pony-lovin’ butt with twice this much pain.”
Thomas shrugged, “I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.”
― James Dashner

“Dont ruin my balls!” She laughs as the words leave her mouth.
Better yours than mine, chica.” I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I’ve got none left.”
― Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction

“A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.”
― Colleen Houck

“I like the sound of that, crashing Monica’s party,” he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. “What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?”
“Blow me Shane.”
“Boys,” Eve said primly. “Language. Minor at the table.”
“Well,” Shane said, “I wasn’t actually planning to do it.”
Claire rolled her eyes. “Not like it’s the first time I’ve heard it. Or said it.”
“You shouldnt say it,” Michael said, all seriousness. “No, I mean it. Girls should say ‘eat me’ not ‘blow me’. Wouldn’t recommend ‘bite me’ though. Not around here.”
― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

“The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle

“Tacos.”
“Tacos?” I echoed.
This seemed to amuse him. “Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.”
“I know what a taco is!”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?”
― Bill Watterson

“The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.
Her nose wrinkled. “Step in something?” she asked innocently.
“That I did not mind.” He took a menacing step toward her. “What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Kiss

“And you’re blind?”
Uh-huh,” Iggy said, trying to sound bored.
Were you born that way?”
No.”
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?”
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.”
― James Patterson, School’s Out—Forever

“V shook his head. “Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How’d you like that anywhere near a female you loved?”

Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage’s body.

“We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Eternal

“Some things are fairly obvious when it’s a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

“Don’t you think ‘Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?” Julian was saying as Emma approached. “I mean, if you really think about it. It’s confusing. ‘Put a Mark on me, Mark.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire

“The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.”
― John Updike

“Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that’s not what you want. You’ll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.”
― Maureen Johnson, The World of the Golden Compass: The Otherworldly Ride Continues

“I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Is it time for your period, or something?”

With unerring instinct, he’d found a great big red button, and pushed it. Wyatt fights to win, which means he fights dirty. I understand the concept because that’s how I fight, too, but understanding it didn’t stop me from reacting. I could practically feel my blood bubbling with steam. “What?”

He turned around, all controlled aggression, and damned if he didn’t push the button again. “What is it about having a period that makes women so bitchy?”

… It was an effort, but I said as sweetly as possible, “It isn’t that we’re bitchier, it’s that having a period makes us feel all tired and achy, so we have less tolerance for all the bullshit we normally SUFFER IN SILENCE.” By the time the sentence ended the sweetness was long gone, my jaw was clenched, and I think my eyes were bugging out.

Wyatt took a step back, belatedly looking alarmed.”
― Linda Howard, Drop Dead Gorgeous

“I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker’s dozens! …they come in thirteens.”
― Felicia Day

“Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it’s a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it’s made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.”
― Jim Butcher, White Night

“The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”
― Alex Levine

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
― Groucho Marx

“Paris answered for him. “Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t mention the part where you fainted,” Lucien said wryly.
Strider chortled. “Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!”
“Hey,” Paris said, frowning at Lucien. “I told you I hit my head midflash.”
Lucien”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Kiss

“I’m a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.
-Ella Varner”
― Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger


“She’s so small, yet she contains so much evil.”
― Christopher Moore, Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

“When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, ‘Cheer up, things could be worse.’ And sure enough, they get worse.”
― Robert Asprin

“Well”, Fang said, mimicking a thick Southern drawl. “I must say its mighty nice of them Daimons to clean up after themselves when you kill them” He held his hands up to them. “Look Ma, no mess.”
“Does Fang have an off switch?” Talon asked Vane.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Night Embrace

“My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“Someday is not a day of the week.”
― Janet Dailey

“Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it,” said Marvin.
“And what happened?” pressed Ford.
“It committed suicide,” said Marvin and stalked off back to the Heart of Gold.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“I can’t abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Castle in the Air

“The more excited I get, the more I vibrate.”
“Now there’s a thought,” Lor says.
“If you mean what I think you mean, you want to shut the fuck up and never think it again,” Ryodan says.”
― Karen Marie Moning, Iced

“There’s a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.”
― Lauren Morrill, Meant to Be

“I’ll not listen to reason… reason always means what someone else has got to say.”
― Elizabeth Gaskell, Cranford

“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.
Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something … Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’
And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’
So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn’t have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like “I believe you got my property.”
― Chris Rock

“Henry turned as if to dart out of the room, then swung around and stared at them, a look of confusion passing over his freckled face, as if he had only now had cause to wonder why Will, Tessa, and Jem might be crouching together in a mostly disused storage room. “What are you three doing in here, anyway?”
Will tilted his head to the side and smiled at Henry. “Charades,” he said. “Massive game.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“why can’t you see i’m a kid’, said the kid.
Why try to make me like you?
Why are you hurt when I don’t cuddle?
Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?
Why do you scream when I do what I did?
Im a kid.”
― Shel Silverstein, Falling Up

“Don’t bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.”
― Carroll Bryant

“I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?”
― Douglas Adams

“Don’t care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.
Bones to Gregor”
― Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave

“I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t give two mules for rules.”
― Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society

“NO PDA,school rules. And besides she’s my partner dickhead.” said Alex.”
― Simone Elkeles, Perfect Chemistry

“Where I come from, we’re more about efficiency,’ he replies. ‘A knife like this’ll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.”
― Marie Lu, Champion

“I love you above all things, even pie.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, “So, you’re back from Moscow, eh?”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Mike and Psmith

“Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely,” said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. “But I must say, Ginevra’s dress is far too low-cut.”
Ginny glanced round, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly faced the front again.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Do you like to slide?” His voice was eager.
Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. “No, Majesty. I’m terrified of heights.”
“Oh.” His polite tone had returned.
“I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction.”
He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him.
“Especially,” I added, “as I’ve grown taller.”
― Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted

“Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.”
― Oscar Wilde

“You know you have ADD when Look A chicken – T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I think the very word stalking implies that you’re not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called ‘fluffy harmless observation time’.”
― Molly Harper

“That’s a sweet piece,” said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. “You didn’t snatch that off a street.”
“No,” said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. “I got it from the neck of the governor’s mistress.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“In the governor’s manor.”

“Of all the -”

“In the governor’s bed.”

“Damned lunatic!”

“With the governor sleeping next to her.”

The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later.

“It is possible,” said Locke with a sheepish grin, “that I have been slightly too bold.”
― Scott Lynch, Red Seas Under Red Skies

“I’m seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn’t going to work. You won’t even admit I exist to your parents.”
Alec stared at him. “I thought you were three hundred! You’re seven huundred years old?”
“Well,” Magnus amended, “eight hundred. But I dont look it. Anyway, you’re missing the point. The point is-”
But Alec never found out what the point was because at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. He felt his jaw drop. “Damn it.”
Magnus followed his gaze. the demons were already fanning out into a half circle around them, their yellow eyes glowing. “Way to change the subject, Lightwood.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.”
― Bill Watterson

“Charlie whistled “Amazing Grace” as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn’t he pick something more appropriate, like “Shout at the Devil” or “Don’t fear the Reaper”? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, “I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn’t that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?”
― Isaac Asimov, I. Asimov

“You might not believe this, but there is no one like her at this school.”

“Oh I believe it,” I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker’s combination and tried to get into it with an axe.

No one was really sure where she’d gotten it from.”
― Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart

“Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and… reproduction.”
― Kelley Armstrong, Stolen

“Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?” I asked Leif.
“She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-”
“Kill me? You can join the ‘I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.’ I hear they have six
members in good standing.
Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice.”
–Yelena to Leif”
― Maria V. Snyder, Magic Study

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?”
“Is that including, or not including you?”
― Anthony Horowitz, Eagle Strike

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
― Walt Disney Company

“I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.”
― Scott Westerfeld, Uglies

“If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.”
― Mark Twain, Notebook

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”
― Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Well, spit on my empty grave–if it ain’t the attack of the Disney princesses!”
― Amy Plum, Die for Me

“Sometimes when it looks like I’m deep in thought I’m just trying not to have a conversation with people.”
― Pete Wentz

“You look as scary as a buttered muffin.”
― Tamora Pierce

“Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart’s Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff’s “So Yesterday,” both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

“He smiled at that, and then his gaze shifted to a spot over my shoulder and it faded. ‘These doubts wouldn’t have anything to do with the company you’re keeping of late, would they?’
I didn’t get a chance to answer before the shop door was thrown open and a furious war mage stomped in. Pritkin spotted me and his eyes narrowed.
‘You shaved my legs?!’
Mircea looked at me and folded his arms across his chest. I looked from one unhappy face to the other and suddenly remembered that I had somewhere else to be.”
― Karen Chance, Curse the Dawn

“Caliph Vathek and his dark horde
Are bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!
Your faith in me will be restored—
Unless this token you find untoward
And my poor gift you have ignored.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“Of course, it is boring to read about boring thing, but it is better to read something that makes you yawn with boredom than something that will make you weep uncontrollably, pound your fists against the floor, and leave tearstains all over your pillowcase, sheets, and boomerang collection.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Grim Grotto

“Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”
― Mark Twain, Christian Science

“Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.”

Day plasters a giant artificial smile on his face. As charming as ever. “Aw, come on, sweetheart. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I got my arm around the prettiest escort on this block—how could I not be lusting over you? Don’t I look like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me.

He looks so ridiculous that I can’t help laughing. Another passerby glances at me. “Much better.”
― Marie Lu, Prodigy

“In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.”
― H.L. Mencken

“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.”
― Nelson DeMille

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
― Will Rogers

“I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don’t understand explain things you can’t understand.”
― R.J. Palacio, Wonder

“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”
― Edward Verrall Lucas

“Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.”
― Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

“Death didn’t bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, The Laughing Corpse

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
― Dave Barry

“The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.”
― Garrison Keillor

“I really should come with a warning label.”
― Tom Upton

“Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”
“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome…When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female’s head under the water and asking, “Who’s diving for clams now, bitch?”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds

“Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know… size” -Tuck”
― Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction

“Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.”
― Jules Renard

“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”
― Mark Twain

“Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?
Bethany: I wouldn’t say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.”
― Alexandra Adornetto, Halo

“Either you go to America with Mrs. Van Hopper or you come home to Manderley with me.”
“Do you mean you want a secretary or something?”
“No, I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.”
― Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca

“The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don’t know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

“Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds

“If you want to catch beasts you don’t see every day,
You have to go places quite out of the way,
You have to go places no others can get to.
You have to get cold and you have too get wet, too.”
― Dr. Seuss

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
― Arthur C. Clarke

“Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

“She should’ve interviewed Snape,” said Harry grimly. “He’d give her the goods on me any day. “Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Stop!” Narcissus got to his feet. “This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be…” He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he’d talked about anything other than himself. “He must be tricking us.”
Apparently Narcissus wasn’t completely stupid.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Um…Mercer? Haven’t seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, ‘Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I’ve longed–”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
― Steven Wright

“Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — ‘Cuppa tea, cuppa tea… almost got shagged… cuppa tea’?”
― Marti Noxon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Ack!” I said.

Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that’s me.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
― Steven Wright

“My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.”
― Jim Henson

“Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“If you think I’m going to let six people risk their lives – !’
‘because it’s the first time for all of us,’ said Ron.
‘This is different, pretending to be me -‘
‘Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,’ said Fred earnestly. ‘Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.’
Harry did not smile.
‘You can’t do it if I don’t cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.’
‘Well, that’s the plan scuppered,’ said George. ‘Obviously there’s no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.’
‘Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who’s not allowed to use magic; we’ve got no chance,’ said Fred.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Adventures of Sally

“Some have brains, and some haven’t, … and there it is.”
― A.A. Milne

“I’m a werewolf trapped in a human body.”
“Well, yeah, that’s kind of the definition.”
“No, really. I’m trapped.”
“Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?”
“That’s just it – I’ve never shape-shifted.”
“So you’re not really a werewolf.”
“Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?”
Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, ‘Eat me; I’m stupid’?”
― Carrie Vaughn, Kitty and the Midnight Hour

“And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn’t know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.”
― Elizabeth Eulberg, The Lonely Hearts Club

“I’ve heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?”
― Ronald Reagan

“Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.”
― Richelle Mead

“Katniss: ‘What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour’. I snap at him
Tell him that. Thats not nothing.
Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble. ”
― Janet Evanovich, Twelve Sharp

“Any idiot can put up a website.”
― Patricia Briggs, Blood Bound

“[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]
“Don’t they teach you anything in your schools?”
“Not about this.”
“Pity. I suppose that’s what comes of your main education flowing from Google.”
― Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools

“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. ”
― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”
― Sam Levenson

“She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose.
When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. ‘Nuh-uh. Mine.’
‘Share!’ she demanded.
‘Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.’
She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part.
‘If you love me, you’ll give me a taco.’
‘Seriously? That’s all you got? What about you’ll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?’
‘Not for a taco,’ she said. ‘I’m not cheap.’
‘They’re brisket tacos.’
‘Now you’re talking.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you’re some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I’d damn well tell him myself. ”
― Rachel Vincent, Rogue

“Down with tyranny!’ Bramble cried. ‘Aristocracy! Autocracy! Monocracy! Other ocracy things! You are outnumbered, sir! Surrender!”
― Heather Dixon, Entwined

“When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.”
― Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

“…slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.”
― Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

“It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn’t want to move around very much.”
― Brandon Sanderson, The Well of Ascension

“If you are good life is good.”
― Roald Dahl, Matilda

“Percy was getting tired of water.
If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler.”
Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I’m far more than just a ‘mild’ annoyance–people tell me I can be downright frustrating. Might as well use this talent for the cause of good, eh?”
― Brandon Sanderson, The Final Empire

“I don’t need anything to get high. I’m high on life.”
― Melissa de la Cruz, Blue Bloods

“Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one’s luck.”
― Iris Murdoch

“A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere”
― Helen Gurley Brown

“FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.”
― Brandon Mull

“No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,”
― Jeaniene Frost, Once Burned

“Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches”
― P.C. Cast

“He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.”
― Louise Rennison, Dancing in My Nuddy-Pants

“He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”
William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”
Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Whisper

“Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.”
― Christopher Hitchens, God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything

“Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?

Jace: I was following you.

Simon: Is this the part where you tell me you’re secretly in love with me?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“How long have you been with Raphael?”
“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”
“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”
-Venom and Elena”
― Nalini Singh, Angels’ Blood

“Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”
― Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime and Other Stories

“I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown.” Jace said.
“Brown?” said Isabelle.
“Yes. Brown. It’s a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it.” Jace said.
“Well, it was black but it faded.” Alec said.
“Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly,” Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband.
“Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge.” Simon said.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“This is a mournful discovery.
1)Those who agree with you are insane
2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.”
― Philip K. Dick, VALIS

“As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don’t bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it’s very powerful, and should be used sparingly.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds,” I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and then came back with another. “Ben, getting you a date to prom is so hard that the American government believes the problem cannot be solved with diplomacy, but will instead require force.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“I was just kidding, shuck-face,” Minho said. “Let’s all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers.”
“Psycho girl ninjas?” Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho’s additude.”
― James Dashner, The Scorch Trials

“Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He’s actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.
-Jillian’s mother”
― Gena Showalter, Catch a Mate

“He whipped out his sheet, then pulled it over himself and wrapped it tightly around his face like an old woman in a shawl.
‘How do I look?’
‘Like the ugliest shanky girl I’ve ever seen,’ Minho responded. ‘You better thank the gods above you were born a dude.’
‘Thanks.”
― James Dashner, The Scorch Trials

“This emotion I’m feeling now, this is love, right?”

“I don’t know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you’re with me?”

“Yes,” she said.

“That’s influenza,” said Miro. “Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.”
― Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.”
Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.”
He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?”
“I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“You’re getting into some kind of shape, cop.”
Aw, come on, now.” Butch grinned. “Don’t let that shower we took go to your head.”
Rhage fired a towel at the male. “Just pointing out your beer gut’s gone.”
It was a Scotch pot. And I don’t miss it.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Eternal

“True story
This morning I jumped on my horse
And went for a ride,
And some wild outlaws chased me
And shot me in the side.
So I crawled into a wildcats cave
To find a place to hide
But some pirates found me sleeping there
And soon they had me tied
To a pole and built a fire
Under me—I almost cried
Till a mermaid came and cut me loose
And begged to be my bride
So I said id come back Wednesday
But I must admit I lied.
Then I ran into a jungle swamp
But I forgot my guide
And I stepped into some quicksand
And no matter how hard I tried
I couldn’t get out, until I met
A watersnake named Clyde
Who pulled me to some cannibals
Who planned to have me fried
But an eagle came and swooped me up
And through the air we flied
But he dropped me in a boiling lake
A thousand miles wide
And you’ll never guess what I did then—
I DIED”
― Shel Silverstein

“Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“And besides . . . I don’t want to leave you. Er, you guys.”

He smiled, and it lit up his whole face. “Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”

I grinned back.”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell

“Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.”
― H.L. Mencken, Notes on Democracy

“In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.”
― J.G. Ballard, Running Wild

“Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.”
― Alan Bradley, The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie

“I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.”
― Ron White

“Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon–perfect.”
― Jim Butcher, Storm Front

“Yes, we’ll yell, ‘Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese’.”
― Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
― Steven Wright

“He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.”
― Neil Gaiman, Stardust

“Come on guys, you cant fight like this forever”
“Actually,” Simon said, raising his hand,”I can”.
Jace made a weird noise and I realized he was trying not to laugh-which by the way, wasn’t working.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”
― Mark Twain

“His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, The Laughing Corpse

“It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.”
― Albert Einstein

“People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn’t explain how. She didn’t really want to know.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“No, I really did. I walked into that room and saw the hottest, sexiest guy I’ve ever seen – wet and half naked. And I said, “Ewww.”
I know. How am I still single, right?”
― Nicole Christie, Falling for the Ghost of You

“Oh, don’t mind me,” came an extremely sarcastic voice near the wall. “You two go ahead and make out–I’ll just sit here and bleed quietly.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure

“The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.”
― Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

“If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying ‘THIS IS IT!’? … I mean, why do that if you really don’t want them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it’s all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you’ve built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can’t be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“What makes you think that Valentine’s change of plans had anything to do with your brother?”
“Because only Jace can piss someone off that much.”
― Cassandra Clare

“if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn’t there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That’s why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones.”
― Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth

“We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report

“In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.”
― Yogi Berra

“Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.”
― Jon Stewart

“It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn’t the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves.”
― Richelle Mead, Frostbite

“That’s kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay.”
― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

“Do you know people who insist they like ‘all kinds of music’? That actually means they like no kinds of music.”
― Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto

“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.”
― Seán O’Casey

“If I ever form a clan, we’ll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“Why hasn’t anyone killed him yet?”
“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce

“Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, but there are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another, whether you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the in the dark about being in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark, but in the dark in the dark nontheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet, and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark about being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park. ”
― Lemony Snicket, The End

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.”
― James Patterson

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.”
― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

“Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?”

I nod, eyes closed.

“Imagine it right there before you. See its texture, shape, and color—got it?”

I smile, holding the image in my head.

“Good. Now reach out and touch it. Feel its contours with the tips of your fingers, cradle its weight in the palms of your hands, then combine all of your senses—sight, touch, smell, taste—can you taste it?”

I bite my lip and suppress a giggle.

“Perfect. Now combine that with feeling. Believe it exists right before you. Feel it, see it, touch it, taste it, accept it, manifest it!” he says.

So I do. I do all of those things. And when he groans, I open my eyes to see for myself.

“Ever.” He shakes his head. “You were supposed to think of an orange. This isn’t even close.”

“Nope, nothing fruity about him.” I laugh, smiling ateach of my Damens—the replica I manifested before me, and the flesh and blood version beside me. Both of them equally tall, dark, and so devastatingly handsome they hardly seem real.”
― Alyson Noel, Blue Moon

“You can knock on a deaf man’s door forever.”
― Nikos Kazantzakis, Zorba the Greek

“Isn’t it strange that I know you’d risk your life to save mine, but I don’t even know what your favorite color is?”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

“I guess the sacrifice of my dignity is the only thing that will save us now. The things I endure for love. The Fates laugh at my torment.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron King

“This is a good place,” he said.
“There’s a lot of liquor,” I agreed.”
― Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

“I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You did not just say that. I have a feeling we’re on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“Perhaps you are thinking: ‘But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.’
Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: ‘Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?’
Don’t be silly. You have a tank, right?”
― Dave Barry

“Alec?” Magnus was staring at him. He had dispatched the remaining Iblis demons, and the square was empty but for the two of them. “Did you just- did you just save my life?”
Alec knew he ought to say something like, Of course, because I’m a Shadowhunter and that’s what we do, or That’s my job. Jace would have said something like that. Jace always knew the right thing to say. But the words that actually came out of Alec’s mouth where quite different- and sounded petulant, even to his own ears. “You never called me back,” he said. “I called you so many times and you never called me back.”
Magnus looked at Alec as if he’d lost his mind. “Your city is under attack,” he said. “The wards have broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven’t called you?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
― Drew Carey

“Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.”
― Dave Barry

“No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad”
― Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

“I’ve been embarrassing myself since about birth.”
― Phil Lester

“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.”
― Yogi Berra

“Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can’t drive a stick? There are dozens of cars–new cars–that have automatic transmission. It’d be a million times easier.”
Adrian shrugged. “I like the color. It matches my living room.”
― Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily

“You wanna go build some shelves with me?”
― Alexandra Bracken, In The Afterlight

“rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.”
― David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

“When life hands you a lemon, say, ‘Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?”
― Henry Rollins

“Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.”
― Patrick Ness, The Ask and the Answer

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
― Steven Wright

“I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.”
― Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon’s Covenant

“Must be weird for you, having your mom here.”
“Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.”
“Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room.”
“Cal,” I said with mock astonishment, “did you just make a joke?”
“Maybe.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass

“Saphira waved her tail, the tip whistling loudly. “I’m not asking you to. However, if we attack first, we may gain the advantage.”
“Have you gone crazy? They’ll…” Eragon’s voice trailed off as he thought about it. “They won’t be able to do a thing.”
“Exactly,” said Saphira. “We can inflict lots of damage from a safe height.”
“Let’s drop rocks on them!”
― Christopher Paolini

“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity. ”
― Chris Rock

“So the first thing we’re gonna do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.”
― James Patterson, Fang

“Ooh..I want one” – Bex
They’re not puppies.” -Cammie”
― Ally Carter

“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.”
― Demetri Martin

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.”
― Reba McEntire

“I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“But we’re going to smile and pretend we’re fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can’t mush a birthday into christmas.”
― P.C. Cast, Chosen

“You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.’
My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. ‘Does this look like a good time to tell me that, you damn stupid boy?’ I meant to sound mean but my voice wobbled. ‘Now?’
He gave a little smile. ‘My foul-mouthed warrior.”
― A.C. Gaughen, Scarlet
tags: humor, love, spoiler
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“Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. – Jace”
― Cassandra Clare

“I never met a man that I didn’t like.”
― Will Rogers

“Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride – where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”
― Steven Wright

“When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine”
― Margaret Thatcher

“I’ve seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.”
― Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping

“Jace suggested that the cast of “Gilligan’s Island” could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Cause I’m Irish, and everyone remembers me.”
― Niall Horan, One Direction: Forever Young: Our Official X Factor Story

“Civilization is vastly overrated.”
― Patricia Briggs, On the Prowl

“Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.”
― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices: Second Series

“Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word “bitch” is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.
“Hey there, bitches!” I called as I came through the door. “What are my favorite bitches up to today?”
― Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don’t Date Dead Men

“Orion brightened. “I have an idea.”

“Yes?” said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.

“Why don’t we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn’t work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing.”
― Edith Konecky

“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.”
― Harry Truman

“It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn’t devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.”
― Richelle Mead, Frostbite

“The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.”
― Viktor E. Frankl

“This is so cool,” I said loudly as Dad walked away. “Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?” “He’s a she,” Mom said. “Is she hot? Cause I’m still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed.” “Your father can’t hear you anymore, Maya.” Mom sighed.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Gathering

“He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?”
“Like what?”
“Like hitting on you.”
“Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.”
Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.
“What? You think he does?”
“Sometimes he looks at you a little… oddly, that’s all. Maybe you’re right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.”
“Again, Ew! What’s with you this morning?”
“Not enough coffee.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“There’s only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it’s actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.”
― Anne Frank, The Diary of Anne Frank

“She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”
― Mae West

“Ride?” Rhage snorted. “Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop.”

When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers.

“What.” Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. “I can laugh, you know. And that’s . . . pretty damn funny.”

Rhage beamed. “I knew I liked you.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Mine

“You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.”
― Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty

“A word to the wise is infuriating. ”
― Hunter S. Thompson

“I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack.”
― Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
― Steven Wright

“If I was made of cake I’d eat myself before somebody else could.”
― Emma Donoghue, Room

“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.”
― Will Rogers

“Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.]
Calvin: Ha! I’ve got a great word and it’s on a “Double word score” box!
Hobbes: “ZQFMGB” isn’t a word! It doesn’t even have a vowel!
Calvin: It is so a word! It’s a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that!
Hobbes: I’m looking it up.
Calvin: You do, and I’ll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js!
Hobbes: What’s your score for ZQFMGB?
Calvin: 957.”
― Bill Watterson, Scientific Progress Goes “Boink”: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection

“Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.”
― Joss Whedon

“So what else can I tell you?” I asked. “I mean, to get you to reveal Lily to me.”
She triangled her fingers under her chin. “Let’s see. Are you a bed wetter?”
“Am I a…?”
“Bed wetter. I am asking if you are a bed wetter.”
I knew she was trying to get me to blink. But I wouldn’t.
“No, ma’am. I leave my beds dry.”
“Not even a little drip every now and then?”
“I’m trying hard to see how this is germane.”
“I’m gauging your honesty. What is the last periodical you read methodically?”
“Vogue. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, that’s mostly because I was in my mother’s bathroom, enduring a rather long bowel movement. You know, the kind that requires Lamaze.”
“What adjective do you feel the most longing for?”
That was easy. “I will admit I have a soft spot for fanciful.”
“Let’s say I have a hundred million dollars and offer it to you. The only condition is that if you take it, a man in China will fall off his bicycle and die. What do you do?”
“I don’t understand why it matters whether he’s in China or not. And of course I wouldn’t take the money.”
The old woman nodded.
“Do you think Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual?”
“All I can say for sure is that he never made a pass at me.”
“Are you a museumgoer?”
“Is the pope a churchgoer?”
“When you see a flower painted by Georgia O’Keefe, what comes to mind?”
“That’s just a transparent ploy to get me to say the word vagina, isn’t it? There. I said it. Vagina.”
― David Levithan, Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares

“Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.”
― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

“There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Um,” Doc said in a mild voice, “medically speaking, I’m not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition.”
“But I feel better,” Jared answered, sullen.
Doc smiled the tiniest smile. “Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won’t kill him.”
― Stephenie Meyer, The Host

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
― Steven Wright

“I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.”
― Tina Reber, Love Unscripted

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking. ‘Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just sayin’ that stuff.’ Good. That’s exactly what I want you to think.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”
― Nick Cave

“My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.”
― Cary Grant

“You know how to shoot?”- Emma

“Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert.” – Heather

“What happened to him?” -Shanna

“He was…shot.” -Heather”
― Kerrelyn Sparks, The Undead Next Door

“Hush Hattie!” I said, intoxicated with my success. “I don’t want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan’t marry the prince.” I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and called out into the night, “I shan’t marry the prince.” I turned back into the hall and ran to Char and threw my arms about his neck. “I shan’t marry you.” I kissed his cheek. He was safe from me.”
― Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted

“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”
― Stephen Hawking

“He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through.”
― Colleen Houck

“You humans, always eating. I’ll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working.” Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.

“Don’t use the same beaker you used for poisons!” Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. “I mean it!”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.”
― Leslie Knope

“If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be …”
― Sophie Kinsella, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan

“Leo frowned at the giant’s spire. “Can’t we blow it up or something?”
“Without me, you do not have the power,” Hera said. “You might as well try to destroy a mountain.”
“Done that once today,” Jason said.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“Hermes smiled. “I knew a boy once … oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really.”
Here we go again, George said. Always talking about himself.
Quiet! Martha snapped. Do you want to get set on vibrate?
Hermes ignored them. “One night, when this boy’s mother wasn’t watching, he sneaked out of their cave and stole some cattle that belonged to Apollo.”
“Did he get blasted to tiny pieces?” I asked.
“Hmm … no. Actually, everything turned out quite well. To make up for his theft, the boy gave Apollo an instrument he’d invented-a lyre. Apollo was so enchanted with the music that he forgot all about being angry.”
So what’s the moral?”
“The moral?” Hermes asked. “Goodness, you act like it’s a fable. It’s a true story. Does truth have a moral?”
“Um …”
“How about this: stealing is not always bad?”
“I don’t think my mom would like that moral.”
Rats are delicious, suggested George.
What does that have to do with the story? Martha demanded.
Nothing, George said. But I’m hungry.
“I’ve got it,” Hermes said. “Young people don’t always do what they’re told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment. How’s that?”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied “I love you back” and not “I love your back” before you continue the conversation.”
― Lemony Snicket

“Some kids get called ‘bundles of joy’ or ‘slices of heaven’ or ‘dreams come true.’ We got ‘the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.’ Doesn’t have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I’m oversensitive.”
― James Patterson, Angel

“They don’t fit you?” V asked his roommate.
“Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People.” Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. “I mean, come on.”
“They’re for fighting, not fashion.”
“So are kilts, but you don’t see me rocking the tartan.”
“And thank God for that. You’re too bowlegged to pull that shit off.”
Butch assumed a bored expression. “You can bite me.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

“If you’re right & I’m not, I’m going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right. ”
― Brian Andreas

“I’m a girl of extremes. When I love something, I’m like a puppy dog (without all the licking). When I’m cranky, I’m a wasp (like a whole hive of ’em). And when I’m angry, I’m a Mother Bear with a predator after her cubs: Dangerous.”
― James Patterson, Fang

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Tyson- “Cash? Like…green paper?”
Percy- “Yeah.”
Tyson- “Like the kind in duffel bags?”
Percy-“Yeah, but we lost those bags days a-g-g–.”
“Tyson! How did you–”
Tyson- “Thought it was a feed bag for Rainbow. Found it floating in sea, but only paper inside. Sorry.”
― Rick Riordan

“i told you he’d freak out, she siad. didn’t i?
ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“That woman doesn’t have the sense God gave a retarded flea.”
― Nora Roberts, Black Rose

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
― Ray Romano

“I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.”
― Stephen King, Christine

“Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.”
― Dick Francis, To the Hilt

“Niall had been able to mask the odor of fairy from Eric in the restaurant, but I saw from the flare of Eric’s nostrils that the intoxicating scent clung to me. Eric’s eyes closed in ecstasy, and he actually licked his lips. I felt like a T-bone just out of reach of a hungry dog.
“Snap out of it,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood.
With a huge effort, Eric reigned himself in. “When you smell like that,” he said, “I just wanna fuck you and bite you and rub myself all over you.”
― Charlaine Harris

“Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.”
― Christopher Moore

“…I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.’

What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.’

Employers sense in me a denial of their values.’ He rolled over onto his back. ‘They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.”
― John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces

“It is the iron.” Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws.”This close to the false king’s realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders.”
Puck snorted.”Doesn’t seem like it’s affecting you much, Cat.”
That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things.”
“Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen

“What’s this about?”
“Finally. Interest,” was the only response.
“If this is one of your tricks…” Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly complained about the lack of female companionship in town. The plastic “ladies” had stared our from every corner, their wide eyes and let-me-suck-you mouths taunting everyone who passed them.
Things like that happened when Torin was bored.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night

“Can’t stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I’ll tell them what to do. Don’t get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)”
― Douglas Adams

“Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began.”
― Morrissey

“I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”
“I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere,” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.
“Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?”
― Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don’t Have Fangs

“You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Carry on, Jeeves

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”
― Alfred Hitchcock

“You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”
― Albert Einstein

“You think I’d cheat on you?” I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.
“With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger

“An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, “If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.” Churchill’s response, “Ma’am if you were my wife I would drink it.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“We do need a system, and we do need you and your ‘Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. – Quinn”
― Michael Grant, Lies

“George Bush isn’t Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.”
― Margaret Cho

“The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, ‘All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn’t asked any questions.”
― Frank Zappa

“Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”
What do you know? I’m in command”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: “The groin. The Earthborn’s groin is sensitive.”
SMASH!
“Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.”
― Neil Gaiman, Stardust

“A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn’t notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than “Boy, I wish you hadn’t mummified me and thrown me into the lake” hate.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let’s say you’re southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you’re sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you–do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale?”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Rant

“Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn’t sparkle.”
― Heather Brewer, Twelfth Grade Kills

“Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?”
― William Makepeace Thackeray, Vanity Fair

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
― Steven Wright

“You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, ‘What the fuck?”
― Nalini Singh, Angels’ Blood

“Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I’d be a politician.”
― Eugène Ionesco

“Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today.”
― Emma Chase, Tangled

“Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”
Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”
“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?”
To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”
Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”
La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.
“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.”
― Kresley Cole, Dreams of a Dark Warrior

“I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.”
― George Gordon Byron

“I’ll go,” he said.
“And that’s safer because?”
“I’m a guy.”
“Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?”
― Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool

“An untied shoelace can be dangerous,’ he said.
‘I could have tripped.’
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
‘I’m joking,’ he said at last.
She relaxed. ‘Really?’
‘Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I’m far too graceful.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, “Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?” To which the man responded, “That’s your worry.”
― Max Lucado

“Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don’t ever piss one off. ”
― Spider Robinson

“You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to “bite you” and threatening to kick them until they’re dead.”
― Jen Lancaster

“She’ll be back,” Ranger said. “But not tonight.”
[Stephanie] “How’d you get her to leave?”
“Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home.”
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. “I lied about it being tonight,” he said.”
― Janet Evanovich, Four to Score

“Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.”
― Christopher Moore, The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”
― Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Bite me, Harry Potter.”
― Meg Cabot, Runaway

“When I grow up, I’d like to be dangerous.”
― Kirsten Miller, Inside the Shadow City

“A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.”
― Mark Twain

“I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson”
― One Direction

“In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.”
― Scott Lynch, The Lies of Locke Lamora

“It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. ‘I am offended by that.’ Well, so fucking what.”
[I saw hate in a graveyard — Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]”
― Stephen Fry

“We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s liberating. But we also know it’s not an easy concept. -He’s not just into you”
― Greg Behrendt

“A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
― Mary Karr, The Liars’ Club

“Wit is educated insolence.”
― Aristotle

“I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bites

“You don’t need a search warrant to go through someone’s trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.”
― Ally Carter, Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy

“Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What’s it spell? HEAD FUCK.
– Jane”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

“Don’t mess with a wizard when he’s wizarding!”
― Jim Butcher

“The sh*t’s gonna splatter, start buggin, yo…”
Mencheres to Cat”
― Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave


“Before I could lose my courage, I said, “Don’t I get a kiss for luck? It’s kind of a tradition, right?”
I figured she would punch me. Instead, she drew her knife and stared at the army marching toward us. “Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then, we’ll see.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“I’d been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

“Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we’ve picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.”
― Isman H. Suryaman

“A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Call me sentimental, but there’s no-one in the world that I’d like to see get dysentery more than you”
― David Nicholls, One Day

“His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her.
He worshipped her. He’d walk across fire for her. He—
—still had the audience of her three brothers.
Slowly breaking the kiss, he turned his face to the side. Anthony, Benedict, and Colin were still standing in the foyer.
Anthony was studying the ceiling, Benedict was pretending to inspect his fingernails, and Colin was staring quite shamelessly.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and
shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said ‘Faith is believing what you
know ain’t so’.”
― Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson

“You didn’t have to come after me.”
“Yes, I did,” he said. “You’re far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me.”
“That’s sweet. Maybe I’ll forgive you.”
“Forgive me? Fro what?”
“Fro telling me to shut up.”
His eyes narrowed. “I did not… Well, I did, But you were-”
“Never mind.”
― Cassandra Clare

“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren’t enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Kiss

“Familiarity breeds contempt and children.”
― Mark Twain

“Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?”
― Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen

“If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.”
― Betty White, If You Ask Me

“Finnik?” I say. “Maybe some pants?”
He looks down at his legs as if noticing them for the first time. Then he whips of his hospital gown, leaving him in just is underwear. “Why? Do you find this”-he strikes a ridiculously proactive pose-“distracting?”
I can’t help laughing because it’s funny, and it’s extra funny because Boggs looks so uncomfortable, and I’m happy because Finnik actually sounds like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell.
“I’m only human, Odair.” I get in before the elevator doors close. “Sorry,” I say to Boggs.
“Don’t be. I thought you… handled that well,” He says. “Better than my having to arrest him, anyway.”



Fulvia Cardew hustles over an makes a sound of frustration when she sees my clean face. “All that hard work, down the drain. I’m not blaming you, Katniss. It’s just that very few people are born with camera-ready faces. Like him.” She snags Gale, who’s in a conversation with Plutarch, and spins him towards us. “Isn’t he handsome?”
Gale does look stricking in the uniform, I guess. But the question just embarrasses us both Given our history. I’m trying to think of a witty comeback when Boggs says brusquely, “Well don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

“Talk is cheap. Show me the code.”
― Linus Torvalds

“Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven’t met that guy yet. When you meet him, let’s get him in to the Smithsonian – he’s that special and rare.”
― Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment

“But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”
“Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
― Eddie Izzard, Glorious

“Holly’s theory about the army,” Sharon explained.
And what is it?” Denise asked, intrigued.
Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― Cecelia Ahern, PS, I Love You

“Tomorrow was my second chance to make things right but it never came. I’m sorry I never treasured the time we had for those regrets I take the blame. You gave everything you had. I took without giving back.” Sed paused in his song, feeling ridiculous for singing it to her while they made love.

“Baby, you realize this song is about Trey’s dead dog, don’t you?”
― Olivia Cunning, Rock Hard

“My beard grows down to my toes,
I never wears no clothes,
I wraps my hair
Around my bare,
And down the road I goes.”
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends: Poems and Drawings

“I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. –Stephanie Plum”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.”
― Colleen Houck, Tiger’s Curse

“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
― Michelle Obama

“I get it,’ said the prisoner. ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?’
If you like.’ said Vimes. ‘But we’re a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

“What’s a philosopher?’ said Brutha.
Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,’ said a voice in his head.”
― Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

“Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid. ”
― Kim Harrison, The Outlaw Demon Wails

“The Princess Andromeda?”
“Went ka-boom.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”
― Lili St. Crow

“Har. Bloody. Har.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn’t be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?”
― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
― Steven Wright

“If you’re anorexic, you’re doing it wrong.”
I swat him with a dish towel. “No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they’re eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I’m a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine.”
― Jen Lancaster

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“So you were going to rescue the Prince! Why did you pretend to run away? To deceive the Witch?”
“Not likely! I’m a coward. Only way I can do something this frightening is to tell myself I’m not doing it!”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.”
― Groucho Marx

“Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough!”
― Karl Marx

“First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You’re shattering every creep vampire myth I’ve ever heard.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Eternal Kiss of Darkness

“The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.”
― Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.”
― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

“You used nunchucks on a moose?”
Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. “I used all sorts of things on that bastard.”
― Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily

“Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.”
― Jessica Park, Flat-Out Love

“Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?”

I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing.

“First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my ‘chain’ again, I will kick your ass.” I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. “And thirdly, don’t call me Shorty.”

Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. “Where did you get her? Can you get me one?”

I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn’t even try to hide his smile. “You should probably apologize to Emerson.”

“I am sorry.” Kaleb grinned at me. “Sorry I didn’t meet you first.”
― Myra McEntire, Hourglass

“Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“Of course, everyone’s parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street. ”
― Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys

“Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I’ll send some flowers to your inner child.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“You okay?”
“Fine.”
“Your heart’s beating really fast.”
“Gee, thanks. That’s very comforting that you can hear it.”
He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she’d first met before all the vamp stuff.
“Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there’s trouble.”
“You sound like Shane.”
“Well, he did say he’d kill me if I got you hurt. I’m just looking after my own neck.”
“Liar.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“This is what it’s all been about with you,” he said in an even tone. “All the fear, all
the running. The nightmares.” When she nodded, he said, “You called him the devil.”
“He is.” What are you thinking, Scot?
“But you… married him?”
MacRieve’s disgusted with me. “Basically? Yes.”
“Ceremony and everything?”
She swallowed. “He tricked me into it. I-I was only sixteen.”
A muscle ticked in his cheek and his irises grew pale. “Then know this…”
She stopped breathing.
“Lass, I’m about to make you a widow–”
― Kresley Cole, Pleasure of a Dark Prince

“I’m telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.’

‘I would,’ I said, ‘but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I’d even settle for a demigod. It’s a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.”
― Kristin Walker, A Match Made in High School

“I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.”
― Morrissey

“God helps those who strut their stuff.”
― Dan Sofer, A Love and Beyond

“Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

“Are you guys busy?” Juniper asked.
“Well,” I said, “we’re in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we’re trying not to die.”
“We’re not busy,” Annabeth said.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.”
― David Levithan, Boy Meets Boy

“Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.”
― Jean Cocteau

“Buttercup’s mother whirled on him. ‘Did you forget to pay your taxes?’ (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“I bet,” said Mulch, “that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn.”
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.”
― Kiersten White, Paranormalcy

“We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It’s all very dull.”
― Cassandra Clare

“My parents are going to kill me!”
“That seems rather harsh…”
― Garth Nix, Sir Thursday

“I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.’ I could not have phrased it better myself.”
― Dave Barry

“I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.”
― Augusten Burroughs

“Tayla cursed under her breath. “I was just explaining to Eidolon that Sin is a Smurfette.”
Wraith swung his big body around to study Sin with blue eyes that were very different from Shade’s, E’s. and Lore’s. Sin’s, too. “Nah. Smurfette is way hotter.”
“What the fuck is a Smurfette?” Eidolon was seriously getting annoyed now.
“There’s this cartoon called The Smurfs,” Tayla explained, slowly, as though Eidolon were the child here.
“They’re these little blue people, and they’re all male. But one day a female shows up. She shouldn’t exist, but she does.”
Eidolon considered that for a second. “How did she get there?”
“An evil wizard named Gargamel made her,” Tayla said. “In a lab or something.”
“So you’re suggesting that an evil wizard made Sin?”
“Of course not, silly. I’m just saying she’s a Smurfette. A lone female amongst males.”
Eidolon frowned. “Did the Smurfette mate with the males?”
“Dude.” Wraith grimaced. “It’s a cartoon.”
― Larissa Ione, Ecstasy Unveiled

“A cavalryman’s horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.”
― Steven Pressfield, The Virtues of War: A Novel of Alexander the Great

“Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Small Bachelor

“If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.”
― Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns

“Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.”
― Fulton J. Sheen

“Snoring keeps the monsters away.”
― Judy Blume, Fudge-a-Mania

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
― Scott Adams

“The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this.” Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and stare. Normally, Eric was a blue-jeans-and-T-shirt kind of guy. Tonight, he wore a pink tank top and Lycra leggings[…]They were pink and aqua, like the swirls down the side of Jason’s truck.”
― Charlaine Harris, Living Dead in Dallas

“Don’t leave it all unsaid,
somewhere in the wasteland of your head.”
― Morrissey

“Wow. I didn’t think it was possible for him to look any more intoxicating than he already did. But a leather clad Ren standing next to the gorgeous racing motorcycle holding his helmet made my brain go numb. I had kind of a this-is-your-brain-on-drugs moment, only mine was more like a this-is-your-brain-on-seeing-Ren-in-tight-leather moment. If they’d been smart, the Ducati Company should have used him in a commercial and given him the bike for free.”
― Colleen Houck

“What doesn’t kill us makes us funnier.”
― Marian Keyes, The Other Side of the Story

“Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet

“Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.”
“Evvy and I have an understanding.” She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. “She tells me the truth, and I don’t hang her in the first well we come to. It’s a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.”
― Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones

“Myrnin, who hadn’t said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her.

She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he’d suddenly decided to snack on her neck… but it was just a hug.

His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. “You’ve done very well. I’m extremely proud of you,” he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. “Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead.”

Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“I have detected disturbances in the wash.’

‘The wash?’

‘The space-time wash.’

‘Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?’

‘Eddies in the space-time continuum.’

‘Ah…is he. Is he.’

‘What?’

‘Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he’s not… you know, better.”
“Define BETTER with that guy.”
“Not all fangs and raaaaar.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“I wish we could make out in your bed.”
Noah sighed. “As do I, but I’m afraid we have ritual burning to conduct.”
“It’s always something.”
“Isn’t it though?”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Evolution of Mara Dyer

“I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn’t notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.”
― Michael Summers, I Had a Dream About You

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?”
“I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy’s house at night and throw up in his mailbox.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“Progress just means bad things happen faster.”
― Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad

“How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.”
― Gail Carriger, Soulless

“Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unleashed

“Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.”
― Alex Gaskarth

“Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.”
“You’ll be just as annoying?” I guessed.
He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. “Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals.”
I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared.
“Oh, very funny!” I yelled.”
― Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

“Wild!” Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. “I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“I stared at him (Dionysus). “You’re…you’re married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

“Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.’
-Marielle”
― Tamora Pierce, The Realms of the Gods

“Ow! My brains!”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?”
― Jim Butcher, Small Favor

“No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.”
― Gideon J. Tucker

“Money isn’t everything…but it ranks right up there with oxygen.”
― Rita Davenport

“You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“Me,” Artemis blurted. “I’m the nut.”
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
“I’m the nut!” Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.”
― Patricia Briggs, Iron Kissed

“…[G]reat progress was evident in the last Congress of the American ‘Labour Union’ in that among other things, it treated working women with complete equality. While in this respect the English, and still more the gallant French, are burdened with a spirit of narrow-mindedness. Anybody who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without the feminine ferment. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex (the ugly ones included).”
― Karl Marx, Selected Letters: The Personal Correspondence 1844-1877

“Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.”
― Scott Adams

“Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. ”
― Dave Barry

“I like pink.”
Lucius sniffed. “It’s just red’s sorry, weak cousin.”
― Beth Fantaskey, Jessica’s Guide to Dating on the Dark Side

“Peter to Austin:
“Hard-ons don’t make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.”
― Dani Alexander, Shattered Glass

“Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.”
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

“Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you’ll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, its our own expectations that crush us.”
― Paul Murray, Skippy Dies

“At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she’d fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn’t have asked her about them. I thought maybe she’d redecorated.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I didn’t think about being king,” he said, his voice hoarse.
Eddis stared. “Your capacity to land yourself in a mess because you didn’t think first, Eugenides, will never cease to amaze me. What do you mean you didn’t think about being king? Is Attolia going to marry you and move into my library?”
― Megan Whalen Turner, The Queen of Attolia

“Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you’ve had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.”
― Sophie Kinsella, Twenties Girl

“Here,” Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. “Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone.” He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire’s numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. “I’ll be your hands.”

She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn’t do any good.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
― Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

“To me, nudity is a joke. I don’t think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be the standard thing. Imagine, stripping a woman down, and she has a body like a little submarine. With periscope, propellers, torpedoes. That would be the one for me. I’d marry her right off and be faithful to the end.”
― Charles Bukowski

“I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L’Illustration. Something desperate, you know.”
― Albert Camus, A Happy Death

“Yeah, well, food’s one of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfigurations,” said Ron, to general astonishment.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.”
― Brandon Mull, Grip of the Shadow Plague

“Go ahead. You’re not going to walk in on anyone. I’m home alone.”

“The whole night?”

Immediately, I realized it might not have been the smartest thing to say. “Dorothea will be coming soon.” That was a lie. Dorothea was long gone. It was close to midnight.

“Dorothea?”

“Our housekeeper. She’s old- but strong. Very strong.” I tried to squeeze past him. Unsuccessfully.

“Sounds frightening,” he said, retrieving the key from the lock. He held it out for me.

“She can clean a toilet inside and out in under a minute. More like terrifying.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush


“Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t with me.”
― Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart

“Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth”
― Augusten Burroughs, Running with Scissors

“Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.”
― Amy Sedaris, Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People

“When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.”
― Patricia Briggs, Masques

“Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

“You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It’s far more common than you might think.
-Angela the Herbalist”
― Christopher Paolini, Brisingr

“This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, still breathing hard.
“You’re quite sure of that, are you, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, with a touch more defiance.
“This is the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?”
“Yes,” said Harry firmly.
“Then why,” asked Snape, “does it have the name ‘Roonil Wazlib’ written inside the front cover?”
Harry’s heart missed a beat. “That’s my nickname,” he said.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“How in the name of Merlin’s pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.”
― Flannery O’Connor, The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor

“And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don’t know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.”
― Kristin Hannah, Firefly Lane

“Punctuation, is? fun!”
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon

“I’m going to tell you something once and then whether you die is strictly up to you,” Westley said, lying pleasantly on the bed. “What I’m going to tell you is this: drop your sword, and if you do, then I will leave with this baggage here”—he glanced at Buttercup—”and you will be tied up but not fatally, and will be free to go about your business. And if you choose to fight, well, then, we will not both leave alive.”

You are only alive now because you said ‘to the pain.’ I want that phrase explained.”

My pleasure. To the pain means this: if we duel and you win, death for me. If we duel and I win, life for you. But life on my terms. The first thing you lose will be your feet. Below the ankle. You will have stumps available to use within six months. Then your hands, at the wrists. They heal somewhat quicker. Five months is a fair average. Next your nose. No smell of dawn for you. Followed by your tongue. Deeply cut away. Not even a stump left. And then your left eye—”

And then my right eye, and then my ears, and shall we get on with it?” the Prince said.

Wrong!” Westley’s voice rang across the room. “Your ears you keep, so that every shriek of every child shall be yours to cherish—every babe that weeps in fear at your approach, every woman that cries ‘Dear God, what is that thing?’ will reverberate forever with your perfect ears. That is what ‘to the pain’ means. It means that I leave you in anguish, in humiliation, in freakish misery until you can stand it no more; so there you have it, pig, there you know, you miserable vomitous mass, and I say this now, and live or die, it’s up to you: Drop your sword!”

The sword crashed to the floor.”
― William Goldman

“Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can’t hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don’t see the big picture.”
― Chuck Klosterman, Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas

“Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.”
― James Joyce

“It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.”
― Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman

“The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.”
― Scott Adams

“I tried to contain myself… but I escaped!”
― Gary Paulsen

“I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.”
― Jeaniene Frost, At Grave’s End

“Another relative?” Valek asked.
A broad smile stretched Moon Man’s lips. “Yes. I am her mother’s uncle’s wife’s
third cousin.”
–Valek and Moon Man”
― Maria V. Snyder, Magic Study

“No, Miss Palmer. What is bizarre is that I currently have a vagina.”
― Karen Chance, Curse the Dawn

“Your hair is still wet!”
― Justin Bieber

“Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again. ”
― Tonya Hurley, Ghostgirl

“There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone’s life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don’t realize it.”
― Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto

“Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”
Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.
Besides everything, I mean,” she said.”
― Rachel Caine, Fade Out

“I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.”
― Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
― Steven Wright

“I’m the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I’ve never even met.”
― David Sedaris

“Karl Marx: “Religion is the opiate of the masses.”

Carrie Fisher: “I did masses of opiates religiously.”
― Carrie Fisher, Postcards from the Edge

“Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.”
― H.L. Mencken, A Little Book in C Major

“Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.”
― Chetan Bhagat, 2 States: The Story of My Marriage

“Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let’s unleash her rage. Great idea.”
― Rick Riordan

“I’ve got a theory, it could be bunnies…
I’ve got a theor-
Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes
They’ve got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.
And what’s with all the carrots-?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!

…or maybe midgets…”
― Joss Whedon

“All the time you’re saying to yourself, ‘I could do that, but I won’t,’ — which is just another way of saying that you can’t.”
― Richard Feynman, Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character

“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.”
― Steve Martin

“Emergency dance party–go away.”
― Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl

“Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!

Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES’ LIVES?!

Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do–BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!

Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner’s-

Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!

Shigure: KYO! DON’T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!

Yuki: He’s right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.”
― Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 1

“As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”
― Dave Barry

“To err is human, to purr is feline.”
― Robert Byrne, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said

“There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.”
― Garrison Keillor, Pontoon: A Novel of Lake Wobegon

“First Pallas and now you,” the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. “It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.”
― Julie James, A Lot like Love

“The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

“The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that’s even worse”
― Bill Watterson, It’s a Magical World: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection

“Merda! Her lace panties had snagged on his ring, the signet ring he’d inherited from his father, Giacomo Casanova. His father had seduced hundred of women without any problems whatsoever, and he was having trouble with just one. This was the real reason he never used the Casanova name. He could never live up to his father’s reputation. The old man was probably laughing in his grave.

Nine circles of hell,” Jack muttered.

Hell?” Lara asked. “I thought I was the Holy Land.”

You’re paradise. Unfortunately, I am stuck there.”

Her eyes widened. “Stuck?”

Normally, I would love being stuck to your lovely bum, but it would look odd if we go sightseeing with my hand under your skirt. Especially in the basilica.”

She glanced down. “How can you be stuck?”

My ring. It’s caught in the lace. See?” He moved his hand down her hip, dragging her undies down a few inches.

Okay, stop.” She bit her lip, frowning, then suddenly giggled. “I can’t believe this has happened.”

I assure you, as much as I had hoped to get your clothes off, this was not part of my original plan.”

She snorted. “No problem. Just rip yourself loose.”

Are you sure?” It will destroy you undies.”

She narrowed her eyes with a seductuve look. “Rip it.”

Very well.” He jerked his hand away, but the panties came with him. He yanked his hand back and forth, but the lacy, latex material simply stretched with him. “Santo cielo, they are indestructible.”

Lara laughed.

He continued to wage battle, but to no avail. “They could use this material to build spaceships.”
― Kerrelyn Sparks, Secret Life of a Vampire

“In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases”
― John Irving, The world according to Garp

“The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:
‘I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

“You’re kidding,” Shane said. “Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?”
“No,” Claire said, “but I’m pretty sure you won’t like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So…?”
“Right. I’ve been missing Nutty McFang anyway.”
“Stop making up names for him.”
“What about Count Crackula?”
“Just stop.”
― Rachel Caine, Last Breath

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
― Steven Wright

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”
― Chelsea Handler

“Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many.”
” I never thought about it quite that way.”
Well, you’re a man. ” She gave his knee a friendly pat.”
― Nora Roberts, Daring to Dream

“Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?
— Riley Poole”
― Ann Lloyd, National Treasure: Book of Secrets

“Don’t run I never liked fast food”
― Rachel Caine

“No, thanks,” said Harry. “The toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick.” Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“I’d made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters’ hearts.”
― Jim Butcher, Storm Front

“She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.”
― P.B. Kerr, The Blue Djinn of Babylon

“I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“I’m not sure if there’s one right place I’m supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I’d give a second try in a heartbeat. ”
― Brian Andreas

“Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.”
― Lewis Carroll, The Annotated Alice: The Definitive Edition

“You look disappointed to see me, Zach,” Macey teased. “Don’t you like my jacket?”
― Ally Carter, Only the Good Spy Young

“I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. “Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren’t winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon… except as a comic relief. Ghost Whisperer Junior. Or Ghost Screamer, more like it. Tune in, every week, as Chloe Saunders runs screaming from yet another ghost looking for her help.”
Okay, superpower might be pushing it.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Summoning

“I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.”
― Steve Martin

“We need to gather everyone we can.
Damien scoffed. Uh, boss, hate to be a pall, but I think everyone we can gather is currently in this room.
Sin paused to look at Simi, Xirena, Damien, Kat, Kish, and Xypher. It was a pitiful number of defenders. But it was all the world had. In that case, we need to seriously arm ourselves.
Damien crossed himself. Hail Mary, full of grace-
What are you doing? Kish asked. You’re not Catholic.
Yeah but I’m feeling really religious all of a sudden and it seemed like a good idea.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry

“She frowned at me. “You need some rest. You look like hell. And you’re obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles.”
Wizards don’t giggle,” I said, hardly able to speak. “This is cackling.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying “Blood…blood…blood…blood…”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.”
― Colleen Houck, Tiger’s Quest

“Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.”
“The plant war,” Percy said. “You’re going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle…. Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)”
― Elizabeth Peters, Crocodile on the Sandbank

“It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”
― Mark Twain

“She’d met Colin on a Monday.
She’d kissed him on a Friday.
Twelve years later.
She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.”
― Julia Quinn, Romancing Mister Bridgerton

“You saw my leg?”
“How can a man help what he sees?” he said. “And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.”
― Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl

“I don’t understand how people can
stand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They’re going crazy, screaming. They can’t take it that you’re there. But last year I was in the same club,walking around,lonely like a motherfucker. Couldn’t get a date or a dance. I was too skinny, too something,
and now, “He’s just adorable. He’s just, oh!”
― Tupac Shakur, Resurrection, 1971-1996

“I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.”
― Jim Butcher, Small Favor

“And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.”
― Bill Cosby

“Hugh consoled me, saying, “Don’t let it get to you. There are plenty of things you’re good at.”

When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he’ll need some time to think.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“What I’m expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.”
― Wendelin Van Draanen, Flipped

“Oliver laughed – actually laughed.”I like this new Claire,” he said.
“You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin.
She’s interesting when she’s forthright.”
Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say,
“Don’t do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed, seduced, and behaved like bastards, and yet women were biologically incapable of resisting their magic DNA.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger

“You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you “chicken man”?”
― Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

“I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil’ Demons lunch box. I left him alive – partly because he had a cool lunch box…”
― Rick Riordan

“I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.
He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”
Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes

“No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.”
― Philip K. Dick, The Transmigration of Timothy Archer

“I’ve never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.”
― Ilona Andrews, On the Edge

“When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”
― Ronald Reagan

“Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“Riley : “Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on.”
Mercy: “Sorry, I don’t beat defenseless puppies.”
― Nalini Singh, Branded by Fire

“I’m as pure as the driven slush.”
― Tallulah Bankhead

“No. Don’t distract me with your sexy talk.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound

“Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.”
― Bernard M. Baruch

“People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.”
― Tite Kubo

“Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.”
― Tom Upton, Tiny Voices

“This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.”
― Peter Cameron, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You

“My bookcase is all yours.”
I walked to the door. “I’ve just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world.”
― Kasie West, Pivot Point

“And a special thanks for not burning up the whole ship. Including yourself, you daft bum-rag.”
― Scott Westerfeld, Leviathan

“I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It’s called manners.”
― Kathy Griffin

“I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.”
― Bill Watterson

“I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me.
I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed me first.” ~Cassandra Palmer”
― Karen Chance, Hunt the Moon

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst. ”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement. ”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about,” said the voice of Maurice. “They’re so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

“Wrath: What the hell are you supposed to ask?

Rhage: I know! Who do you like the most? It’s me right?Come on, you know it is. Come oooooonnnnn-

Butch: If its you,, I’ll kill myself.

V: No, that just means she’s blind.

Rhage: It has to be me.

V: She said she didn’t like you at first.

Rhage: Ah, but I won her over, which is more than anyone else can say about you, hot stuff.

J.R.: I don’t like anyone the best

Wrath: Right answer.

Rhage: She’s just sparing all of you feelings. (grins, becoming impossibly handsome) She’s so polite.

J.R.: Next question?

Rhage: Why do you like me the best?”
― J.R. Ward, The Black Dagger Brotherhood: An Insider’s Guide

“Anyway.
I’m not allowed to watch TV, although I am allowed to rent documentaries that are approved for me, and I can read anything I want. My favorite book is A Brief History of Time, even though I haven’t actually finished it, because the math is incredibly hard and Mom isn’t good at helping me. One of my favorite parts is the beginning of the first chapter, where Stephen Hawking tells about a famous scientist who was giving a lecture about how the earth orbits the sun, and the sun orbits the solar system, and whatever. Then a woman in the back of the room raised her hand and said, “What you
have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back
of a giant tortoise.” So the scientist asked her what the tortoise was standing
on. And she said, “But it’s turtles all the way down!”
I love that story, because it shows how ignorant people can be. And also because I love tortoises.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

“Claire was struggling through last summer’s diary volume when Myrnin popped in through the portal, wearing a big floppy black hat and a kind of crazy/stylish pimp coat that covered him from neck to ankles, black leather gloves, and a black and silver walking stick with a dragon’s head on it. And, on his lapel was a button that said, If you can read this, thank a teacher.”
― Rachel Caine, Fade Out

“It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.”
― Jerome K. Jerome

“I have never read The Joy of Crap. Sounds disgusting. I have, however, read The Joy of Sex. Not in a while, but I think it’s one of those classics you can come back to again… and again.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called “The Giving Tree.” It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.
But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.
Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: “IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU’LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY.”
That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don’t get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.”
― Jeff Kinney, The Last Straw

“Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?’

‘To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.’

‘The dog did nothing in the night-time.’

‘That was the curious incident,’ remarked Sherlock Holmes.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle, Silver Blaze

“I’m sorry,” he says.
“What? Why?”
“You’re fixing everything I set down.” He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. “It wasn’t polite of me to come in and start touching your things.”
“Oh, it’s okay,” I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. “You can touch anything of mine you want.”
He freezes. A funny look runs across his face before I realize what I’ve said. I didn’t mean it like that.
Not that that would be so bad.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“I don’t really like coffee, she said, but I don’t really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either. ”
― Brian Andreas

“Right,” Sadie said. “And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.”
― Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

“Excruciating agony makes me cranky.”
― Brandon Mull, Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary

“Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.”
― Noel Fielding

“We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.”
― Will Smith

“I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.”
― Steve Martin

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
― George W. Bush

“Babe!”
― Janet Evanovich

“Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.”
― Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily

“I came to the table, pulled up a chair, and sat.

“Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.”

An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and dropped a dead rat on my lap.

Awesome.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
― Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”
― Steven Wright

“Dead. Never been that before. Not even once.”
― Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels

“Pranks vs school= pranks win all day”
― Justin Bieber, First Step 2 Forever

“I always listen to you. Except when I don’t.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, Forever

“What is your advice to young writers?”
“Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.”
― Charles Bukowski, Hot Water Music

“Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,’ Shaunee said…”
― P.C. Cast

“Believe me, It would be better if we didn’t meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you’re still a child.”
― Anthony Horowitz, Stormbreaker

“It’s Sanjit. It’s a Hindu name. It means ‘invincible.'”
“That’s great,” Lana said.
“Invincible. I can’t be vinced.”
“That’s not even a word,” Lana said.
“Go ahead: try to vince me,” Sanjit said.”
― Michael Grant, Plague

“Riza: Without his Alchemy he’s just…
Jean: A little brat who swears a lot
Maes: An arrogant pipsqueak
Roy: Useless. Just useless
Alphonse: Sorry big brother, I don’t know how to add to that…
Ed *starts to cry*: YOU’RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!!”
― Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 2

“Slumber party with Dracula, all things considerd why not?”
― Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave

“THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Whisper

“See, that’s the difference,” Mauvin said. “I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.”
― Michael J. Sullivan, Heir of Novron

“A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that’s when you know they really mean it.”
― Michelle Dalton, Sixteenth Summer

“Why?’ is always the most difficult question to answer. You know where you are when someone asks you ‘What’s the time?’ or ‘When was the battle of 1066?’ or ‘How do these seatbelts work that go tight when you slam the brakes on, Daddy?’ The answers are easy and are, respectively, ‘Seven-thirty in the evening,’ ‘Ten-fifteen in the morning,’ and ‘Don’t ask stupid questions.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“You can’t give her that!’ she screamed. ‘It’s not safe!’
IT’S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY’RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
‘She’s a child!’ shouted Crumley.
IT’S EDUCATIONAL.
‘What if she cuts herself?’
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

“If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?”
― Tom Snyder

“I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.”
― Nicole McKay, I Had a Dream About You

“That’s not a bad word…hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn’t.”
― Judy Blume, Forever . . .

“It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between “literally” and “figuratively.” If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning

“A Short Alternative Medical Dictionary
Definitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)

Addiction – When you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.
Cocaine – Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.
Depression – When everything you laugh at is miserable and you can’t seem to stop.
Heroin – A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.
Psychosis – When everybody turns into tiny dolls and they have needles in their mouths and they hate you and you don’t care because you have THE KNIFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
― Nikki Sixx, The Heroin Diaries: A Year In The Life Of A Shattered Rock Star

“Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?”
“You may ask.”
“How old are you?”
“It’s none of your business”
― Christopher Pike, The Last Vampire

“When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.”
― Helen Rowland, A Guide to Men: Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl

“I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.”
― Nora Ephron

“Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn’t work, 2) didn’t do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser’s own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: ‘Learn, guys…”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I’d say our afternoon just got booked solid!”
― Bill Watterson

“It’s so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it’s like, religion, you really can’t take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary…but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything anymore if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.”
― Steve Martin

“You are evidence of your mother’s strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“So, Belle, what’s new today?”

Dad,” I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. “I’m in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world.”

Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you ‘What’s new?’ the correct answer is ‘Not much’. Besides, isn’t it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I’m imagining pages and pages would happen – with nothing but the names of the months on them.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“…There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.”
― Frantz Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks

“If anger were mileage, I’d be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.”
― Gina Barreca

“In the end, everything is a gag.”
― Charlie Chaplin

“There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva”
― Josh Groban

“‎No people whose word for ‘yesterday’ is the same as their word for ‘tomorrow’ can be said to have a firm grip on the time.”
― Salman Rushdie, Midnight’s Children

“Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.”
― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

“Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back.”
― J.R. Ward, Covet

“Rule number 2 – don’t listen to me!” Arriane laughed, “I’m certifiably insane!”
― Lauren Kate

“I’ve always known I was gay, but it wasn’t confirmed until I was in kindergarten.
It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.”
― David Levithan, Boy Meets Boy

“Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”

Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”

“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”

Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”

“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.”
― Marissa Meyer, Cress

“What does ‘hmm’ have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across—primal.”

His smile tipped higher. “Primal.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Me Jev, you Nora.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Silence

“It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?”
― Meg Cabot, Runaway

“Victor patted my hand. ‘I like you, Sky. You’re a fighter.’
‘I am, aren’t I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I’m a Rottweiler -with a temper.’
‘A very small Rottweiler,’ said Zed, still not convinced.”
― Joss Stirling, Finding Sky

“I don’t have a lot of domestic instincts,” Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, “but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down.”
I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.”
― Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top

“I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk.”
― E. Lockhart, Real Live Boyfriends: Yes. Boyfriends, Plural. If My Life Weren’t Complicated, I Wouldn’t Be Ruby Oliver

“Maybe I should, I don’t know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don’t want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth.”
― Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools

“Shut up!” Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. “Jackass!”
“You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome,”
― Rachel Caine, Last Breath

“Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.”

“I’m calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I’ve been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“Who, last time I’d checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It’s kind of sad.)”
― James Patterson, Angel

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
― Bill Cosby

“What’s that supposed to mean? A wolf’s head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“Everything not forbidden is compulsory”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

“Joshua’s ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here’s the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn’t blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn’t do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“Here’s a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn’t dead. And believe me, I know dead. I’ve been there, done that, and got the frickin’ T-shirt.” – Stevie Rae”
― P.C. Cast, Burned

“She led the way. Eyeless sockets of the dead seemed to stare at them as they passed.
“These are cool,” Dan decided. “Maybe I could-”
“No, Dan,” Amy said. “You can’t collect human bones.”
“Awww.”
― Rick Riordan, The Maze of Bones

“There was a dragon who had a long-standing obsession with a queen’s breasts,” she said, growing breathless. “The dragon knew the penalty to touch her would mean death, yet he revealed his secret desire to the king’s chief doctor. This man promised he could arrange for the dragon to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him one thousand gold coins.” She spread her soapy hands over his nipples, then down his arms. “Though he didn’t have the money, the dragon readily agreed to the scheme.”

Grace,” Darius moaned, his erection straining against her stomach.

She hid her smile, loving that she had this much power over such a strong man. That she, Grace Carlyle, made him ache with longing. “The next day the physician made a batch of itching powder and poured some into the queen’s bra… uh, you might call it a brassiere… while she bathed. After she dressed, she began itching and itching and itching. The physician was summoned to the Royal Chambers, and he informed the king and queen that only a special saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch. And only a dragon possessed this special saliva.” Out of breath, she paused.

Continue,” Darius said. His arms wound around her so tightly she could barely breathe. His skin blazed hot against hers, hotter than even the steamy water.

Are you sure?”

Continue.” Taut lines bracketed his mouth.

Well, the king summoned the dragon. Meanwhile, the physician slipped him the antidote for the itching powder, which the dragon put into his mouth, and for the next few hours, the dragon worked passionately on the queen’s breasts.

Anyway,” she said, reaching around him and lathering the muscled mounds of his butt, “the queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and the dragon left satisfied and touted as a hero.”

This does not sound like a joke,” Darius said.

I’m getting to the punch line. Hang on. When the physician demanded his payment, the now satisfied dragon refused. He knew that the physician could never report what really happened to the king. So the next day, the physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king’s loincloth. And the king immediately summoned the dragon.”
-Heart of the Dragon”
― Gena Showalter

“My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities…like the ability to behave myself.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ”
― W.C. Fields

“I’ve learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.”
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Moaning
Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST
To: Christian Grey
Gotta go.
Laters, baby.

…..

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Plagiarism
Date: May 31 2011 16:41
To: Anastasia Steele
You stole my line.
And left me hanging.
Enjoy your dinner.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

“Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.”
― Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain

“What’s in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.”
― Reduced Shakespeare Company, The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr

“It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I’m right.”
― Molière

“Shee, you guys are so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide: Five Complete Novels and One Story

“I hate girls that giggle all the time…
You hate any girl that David looks at.”
― Audrey Hepburn

“The secret to humor is surprise.”
― Aristotle

“People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?
“Ignore the fluffy,” she muttered. “Remember the part about big and scary.”
― Anne Bishop, Written in Red

“While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, ‘I love you’ to me for the first time. It sounded like ‘All lub boo,’ but I didn’t care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.”
― Jim Beaver, Life’s That Way: A Memoir

“You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.”
― Cynthia Hand, Unearthly

“Hell’s holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.”
― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

“Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce.”

She waved her hand. “Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money.” She wrote away.

“I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Match Me If You Can

“Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.”
― Bill Watterson, There’s Treasure Everywhere: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection

“There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands…”
― Simon R. Green, Nightingale’s Lament

“Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A Writer’s Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can’t Get Enough.”
― Kelly Creagh, Nevermore

“Not going to walk me to the door?” I asked, pretending to be shocked at his lack of gallantry.
“Of course I am. many would think that a bonny lass such as yerself wouldst be able to stay out of trouble for a distance of fifteen feet, but I know better.”
“Did you just use the words yerself and wouldst in the same sentence? You can’t be a pirate and a courtier at the same time, Dev. It just isn’t done.”
― Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Raised by Wolves

“Rejection is one thing – but rejection from a fool is cruel.”
― Morrissey

“Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well…They can be useful. But mainly…They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn’t do without them. And there are times when you’d rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical.”
― Rachel Hill, A Girl’s Guide to Guys: Meeting Them, Managing Them and All That Love Stuff

“There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Red Headed League

“I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry.”
― Jim Butcher, My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding

“This is me.’” He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose if you phone first.”
― David Nicholls, One Day

“Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.”
― Norman Mailer

“Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I’m the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!

Rukia: Wha–wha’d you say? A rescuer isn’t supposed to ignore the rescuee!

Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why don’t you go sit in a corner and tremble in fear and cry out “Save me! Save me!” like you’re supposed to?!

Rukia: I do not need saving, and I do NOT tremble!”
― Tite Kubo

“Monkeys can’t talk, stupid!”
― Jeff Kinney, Rodrick Rules

“Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Night Pleasures

“The more fucked up you are, the more I like you. As long as you’ve managed to hold onto your identity through all the shit, then it won’t matter how twisted you are. I will love you more for it.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”
― Steven Wright

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
― Steven Wright

“Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!”
― Gerard Nolst Trenité, Drop your Foreign Accent

“Hale.” Kat sighed. “The headmaster’s car? Really? That’s not to cliched for you?”

What can I say?” He shrugged. “I’m an old-fashioned guy. Besides, it’s a classic for a reason.” He leaned against the window. “It’s good to see you, Kat.”

Kat didn’t know what to say. It’s good to see you, too? Thanks for getting me kicked out? Is it possible you’ve gotten even hotter? I think I might have missed you?”
― Ally Carter

“I don’t know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.”
― Jim Butcher, Grave Peril

“You must have been going very fast.”
“I was, until I hit the fence.”
― Anthony Horowitz, Ark Angel

“I’m the terrorist, do what I say or I’ll terrorize you.”
― D.J. MacHale, Raven Rise

“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

“To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend… I suppose I ought to have realize it’s ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship.”
― Robert Harris

“It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.
I turned around and ran like hell.”
― Jim Butcher, Death Masks

“You can have everything in the world, but if you don’t have love, none of it means crap,” he said promptly. “Love is patient. Love is kind. Love always forgives, trusts, supports, and endures. Love never fails. When every star in the heavens grows cold, and when silence lies once more on the face of the deep, three things will endure: faith, hope, and love.”

And the greatest of these is love,” I finished. “That’s from the Bible.”

First Corinthians, chapter thirteen,” Thomas confirmed. “I paraphrased. Father makes all of us memorize that passage. Like when parents put those green yucky-face stickers on the poisonous cleaning products under the kitchen sink.”
― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

“You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we’re chasing the probe: I share Artemis’s passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.”
― Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

“Oh, goodie,” Puck said as I stepped forward. “I’m going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen

“How long have you been a Wiccan?’
‘A what?’
‘A pagan. A witch.’
‘I’m not a witch,’ I said, glancing out the door. ‘I’m a wizard.’
Sanya frowned. ‘What is the difference?’
‘Wizard has a Z’
He looked at me blankly.
‘No one appreciates me.’ I muttered.”
― Jim Butcher, Death Masks

“And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person’s idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.”
― Meg Cabot, Abandon

“All right, then,” she snapped, “do as you please! Perhaps afterward we could manage a coherent discussion.” Twisting beneath him, she flopped onto her stomach.

Christopher went still. After a long hesitation, she heard him ask in a far more normal voice, “What are you doing?”

“I’m making it easier for you,” came her defiant reply. “Go on, start ravishing.”

Another silence. Then, “Why are you facing downward?”

“Because that’s how it’s done.” Beatrix twisted to look at him over her shoulder. A twinge of uncertainty caused her to ask, “Isn’t it?”

His face was blank. “Has no one ever told you?”

“No, but I’ve read about it.”

Christopher rolled off her, relieving her of his weight. He wore an odd expression as he asked, “From what books?”

“Veterinary manuals. And of course, I’ve observed the squirrels in springtime, and farm animals and-”

She was interrupted as Christopher cleared his throat loudly, and again. Darting a confused glance at him, she realized that he was trying to choke back amusement.

Beatrix began to feel indignant. Her first time in a bed with a man, and he was laughing.

“Look here,” she said in a businesslike manner, “I’ve read about the mating habits of over two dozen species, and with the exception of snails, whose genitalia is on their necks, they all—” She broke off and frowned. “Why are you laughing at me?

Christopher had collapsed, overcome with hilarity. As he lifted his head and saw her affronted expression, he struggled manfully with another outburst. “Beatrix. I’m . . . I’m not laughing at you.”

“You are!”

“No I’m not. It’s just . . .” He swiped a tear from the corner of his eye, and a few more chuckles escaped. “Squirrels . . .”

“Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“See?” she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. “She doesn’t stomp around like a cattle stampede!”
“Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“Grandfather informs me that is not possible.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer

“You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!”
― Jim Butcher, Small Favor

“When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”
― Cory Doctorow

“What’s up?” [asked Ford.]
“I don’t know,” said Marvin, “I’ve never been there.”
― Douglas Adams

“Harry,” Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, “what you know about women, I could juggle.”
― Jim Butcher, Storm Front

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
― Steven Wright

“ “Don’t be scared of Bambi” the demon said. “She’s only curious and maybe a little bit hungry.”

The thing was named Bambi?

Oh, my God, the thing stared at me like it wanted to eat me.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, White Hot Kiss

“Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, “Hey, if you’ve got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It’s an original.”
Then I vindictively hung up on the FBI. It made my inner child happy.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“We?” Simon looked at him in disbelief. “Are you ever going home?”
“What, bored with my company already?”
“Let me ask you something,” Simon said. “Do you find me fascinating to be around?”
“What was that?” Jace said. “Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I’ve ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we’re talking…a minus 6. And it’s not like I even have very high standards.”
― Sophie Kinsella

“My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook.”
― Wendy Higgins, Sweet Peril

“Kyo: Of course, I’ll beat YOU, too!

Yuki: Don’t you ever get tired of saying that?

Kyo: Beating you is my vocation! It’s my goal in life!

Yuki: It’s so unfair that I keep having to take abuse just because you can’t meet your goals.

Kyo: THAT CONDESCENDING ATTITUDE OF YOURS REALLY PISSES ME OFF!

Yuki: And that revolting thought process of yours pisses me off.”
― Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 1

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
― Steven Wright

“Then why are you here?” Emma demanded. “Oh, is this one of those missed-connections things? We met the other night, you felt a spark? Sorry, but I don’t date trees.”

“I am not a tree.” Iarlath looked angry, his bark peeling slightly.”
― Cassandra Clare, Lady Midnight

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
― Steven Wright

“Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I’ve got big plans, so break time is over. ”
― Brian Andreas

“Tessa: I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?”
Will: “I’ve never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn’t like it.”
“But think how entertaining for sightseers,” said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.”
― John Locke

“May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch”
― Keisha Keenleyside

“It’s the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It’s seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can’t watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor’s tepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health.”
― Daniel Quinn, Ishmael: An Adventure of the Mind and Spirit

“There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“The shortest distance between two people is a smile.”
― Victor Borge

“It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can’t help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves in the Morning

“His sentences didn’t seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. ”
― Jennifer Crusie, Charlie All Night

“Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”

“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. “I doubt you have the capacity.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it….”
― George Bernard Shaw, Music in London

“There is a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, a wooden stake, a hammer, a blob of Silly Putty, and a pocketknife. “You do realize these people aren’t vampires, right?” I say when Sam walks back in. “Yeah, but you never know. They’re probably crazy, like you said.” “And even if we were hunting vampires, what the hell is the Silly Putty for?” He shrugs. “Just want to be prepared.”
― Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four

“Now,I’m no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They’re tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they’re saying and that boosts your health and happiness. “Knock Knock… Who’s There?.. Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little Endorphin Annie.” And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

“Rose took my nose, I suppose,” he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. “And it really blows.”
― James Dashner, The Scorch Trials

“Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.”
― Lemony Snicket

“Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?”
― Tom Upton, Just Plain Weird

“He leaned forward to inspect her closer. “Is that all hair?”

… Sudden, overwhelming panic clawed up Cress’s throat. With a squeak, she ducked out of view of the camera and scrambled beneath the desk. Her back struck the wall with a thud that rattled her teeth. She crouched there, skin burning hot and pulse thundering as she took in the room before her— the room that he was now seeing too, with the rumpled bedcovers and the mustached man on all the screens telling her to grab her imaginary partner and swing them around.

“Wha—where’d she go?” Thorne’s voice came to her through the screen.

“Honestly, Thorne.” A girl. Linh Cinder? “Do you ever think before you speak?”

“What? What did I say?”

” ‘Is that all hair?’ ”

“Did you see it? It was like a cross between a magpie nest and ball of yarn after it’s been mauled by a cheetah.”

A beat. Then, “A cheetah?”

“It was the first big cat that came to mind.”
― Marissa Meyer, Cress

“I can chase you, and I can catch you,
but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.”
― Morrissey

“Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?”
“Sometimes, when it’s very quiet and no one else can see.”
― J.D. Robb, Promises in Death

“Tyler lies back and asks, “If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?”
I say, goodnight.
The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, “Clawing at the lid of her coffin.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“Really, I’m trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she’s singing, but it doesn’t appear to be over”
― Eoin Colfer

“The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they’re called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – ”
“Plumbers?”
” – exactly, yes, but of course they’re flummoxed.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Merlin’s beard.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“To Garan’s credit, the treatment of Dellian prisoners did change after that. One particularly laconic man, after a session in which Fire learned positively nothing, thanked her for it specifically. “Best dungeons I ever been in,” he said, chewing on a toothpick.
“Wonderful,” Garan grumbled when he had gone. “We’ll grow a reputation for our kindness to lawbreakers.”
― Kristin Cashore, Fire

“A few said they’d be horses. Most said they’d be some sort of cat. My friend said she’d like to come back as a porcupine. I don’t like crowds, she said. ”
― Brian Andreas

“Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

“The first ten million years were the worst,” said Marvin, “and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn’t enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“I can’t give a Professor love!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn’t have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children.”
― Rick Riordan

“In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.”
― Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad

“Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.”
― Edgar Allan Poe, Ne Pariez Jamais Votre Tête Au Diable Et Autres Contes Non Traduits Par Baudelaire

“Nozy Cat lifted one sleepy eyelid, and his marble blue eye glared at her for interrupting his sacred nap. He wore a yellow collar with little red stars printed on it. His second eyelid also opened, and he gave them his irritated blue-eyed glare.”
― Lyn Key, Nozy Cat 1

“Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)”
― Kresley Cole, Wicked Deeds on a Winter’s Night

“How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’
Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.
Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.
No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.”
― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

“Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.”
― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

“… for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

“I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.”
― Marjane Satrapi, Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood

“I’m looking into my past lives. I’m convinced some of them still owe me money.”
― Graham Parke, Unspent Time

“Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.”
― Bill Watterson

“Izzy, are you—” he began. His eyes flew wide, and he backed up fast enough to smack his head into the wall behind him. “What is he doing here?”
Isabelle tugged her tank top back down and glared at her brother. “You don’t knock now?”
“It—It’s my bedroom!” Alec spluttered. He seemed to be deliberately trying not to look at Izzy and Simon, who were indeed in a very compromising position. Simon rolled quickly off Isabelle, who sat up, brushing herself off as if for lint. Simon sat up more slowly, trying to hold the torn edges of his shirt together. “Why are all my clothes on the floor?” Alec said.
“I was trying to find something for Simon to wear,” Isabelle explained. “Maureen put him in leather pants and a puffy shirt because he was being her romance-novel slave.”
“He was being her what?”
“Her romance-novel slave,” Isabelle repeated, as if Alec were being particularly dense.
Alec shook his head as if he were having a bad dream. “You know what? Don’t explain. Just—put your clothes on, both of you.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire

“When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.”
― David Sedaris

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Griggs.” Anson Choi feigns surprise. “What’s her name?”
“I didn’t actually catch her name,” Griggs continues.
“Lily,” Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways look.
“Great to know that I’m in love with a girl with a cool name.”
“It’s Taylor’s middle name,” Raffaela calls back again.”
― Melina Marchetta, On the Jellicoe Road

“As we all know, blinking lights means science.”
― Joss Whedon

“Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?”
― P.C. Cast

“Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.) ”
― Greg Behrendt

“I’d never met coffee that wasn’t wonderful. It was just a matter of how
wonderful it was.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, The Killing Dance

“Rock ‘n’ roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock’n’roll is dangerous and should piss people off”
― Gerard Way

“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen”
― Stephen King, The Stand

“The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.
It’s my letter,’ she began. ‘I cannot make it right.’
Come in, come in,’ the Prince said gently. ‘Maybe we can help you.’ She sat down in the same chair as before. ‘All right, I’ll close my eyes and listen; read to me.’
Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.’ She looked at Humperdinck. ‘Well? Do you think I’m throwing myself at him?”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.”
― A.A. Milne

“I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian!”
― Bill Watterson, Something Under the Bed is Drooling: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection

“Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.”
― Ilona Andrews, On the Edge

“Electricity is really just organized lightning”
― George Carlin

“That’s ridiculous.” Especially the part about Christian being manly.”
― Richelle Mead, Spirit Bound

“And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing.”
― George Carlin

“Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? ”
― Dave Barry

“Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that’s both is dental.”
― Ogden Nash

“Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.”
― Shannon Hale, River Secrets

“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”
― George Carlin

“Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn’t hurt the untroubled spirit either.”
― Elizabeth Zimmermann

“Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.”
― Nelson DeMille, The General’s Daughter

“A crossbow?” Pigeon asked.
I left my battle-ax in my other jeans,” the man said.”
― Brandon Mull, The Candy Shop War

“Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”
― Stephen Colbert

“…Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything….”
― Tom Upton, Just Plain Weird

“I’m a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.”
― Bill Watterson, There’s Treasure Everywhere

“Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.”
― Patricia Briggs, Silver Borne

“Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor’s cap.
Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye.
“Checkmate, bitch,” Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland’s king.”
― Lauren Kate

“That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!”
― Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool

“Falling in love is painful on the knees.”
― Jon Bon Jovi

“TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!”
― Ramon Bautista, Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo?

“It looks as though your shop is doing well,” Luka said gazing around, “Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?”

My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a “lady friend.” She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. “Of course,” I stammered after a time. “What would she like? A gown? A sash?” If she came in for a fitting, I decided to “accidentlly” poke her with every pin.”
― Jessica Day George

“Babe,” Ranger said. “You’re looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?”
I’m on a sugar withdrawal. I’ve given up desert and it’s all I can think about.” That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn’t what I actually needed.
Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts,” Ranger said.
My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”
― Bauvard, I Had a Dream About You

“Leo: I’m almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.”
― Banksy

“Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent.”
― Glen Cook, Shadow Games

“Was he a good kisser, Ms. Lane?” Barrons asked, watching me carefully.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand at the memory. “It was like being owned.”
Some women like that.”
Not me.”
Perhaps it depends on the man doing the owning.”
I doubt it. I couldn’t breathe with him kissing me.”
One day you may kiss a man you can’t breathe without, and find breath is of little consequence.”
Right, and one day my prince might come.”
I doubt he’ll be a prince, Ms. Lane. Men rarely are.”
― Karen Marie Moning, Bloodfever

“Her majesty is one verb short of a sentence.”
― Jasper Fforde, Lost in a Good Book

“Artemis: “Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre.”

Myles: “In Paris.”

Artemis: “Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter’s attention. What do you do?”

Beckett: “Umm…tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?”

Myles: “I agree with simple-toon.”

Artemis: “No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly ‘ici, garcon.'”

Beckett: “Itchy what?”
― Eoin Colfer

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.”
― Stephen Colbert

“He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.”
― Shannon Hale

“Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I’m what’s known as “prey.” All females are.”
― Ann Coulter, If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”
― Erma Bombeck

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”
― Steven Wright

“Millard! Who’s the prime minister?”

“Winston Churchill,” he said. “Have you gone daft?”

“What’s the capital of Burma?”

“Lord, I’ve no idea. Rangoon?”

“Good! When’s your birthday?”

“Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!”
― Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

“When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi’s head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.

Yeah. We were badasses.”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“Well, man, you know what they say.”
No, I don’t. I don’t know what they say.
I don’t even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them.”
― Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can’t Survive on Ideas Alone

I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But
“I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably lusts for her. But if he loves her, it’s a shallow love. You want proof?” Cagney didn’t wait for Dr. Victor to say yay or nay.

“Soon after meeting her for the first time, he realizes he forgot to ask her for her name. Can true love be founded upon such shallow acquaintance? I don’t think so. And at the end, when he thinks she’s dead, he finds no comfort in living out the remainder of his life within the paradigm of his love, at least keeping alive the memory of what they had briefly shared, even if it was no more than illusion, or more accurately, hormonal.

“Those of us watching events unfold from the darkness know she merely lies in slumber. But does he seek the reason for her life-like appearance? No. Instead he accuses Death of amorousness, convinced that the ‘lean abhorred monster’ endeavors to keep Juliet in her present state, her cheeks flushed, so that she might cater to his own dissolute desires. But does Romeo hold her in his arms one last time and feel the warmth of her blood still coursing through her veins? Does he pinch her to see if she might awaken? Hold a mirror to her nose to see if her breath fogs it? Once, twice, three times a ‘no.’”

Cagney sighed, listened to the leather creak as he shifted his weight in his chair.

“No,” he repeated. “His alleged love is so superficial and selfish that he seeks to escape the pain of loss by taking his own life. That’s not love, but obsessive infatuation. Had they wed—Juliet bearing many children, bonding, growing together, the masks of the star-struck teens they once were long ago cast away, basking in the comforting campfire of a love born of a lifetime together, not devoured by the raging forest fire of youth that consumes everything and leaves behind nothing—and she died of natural causes, would Romeo have been so moved to take his own life, or would he have grieved properly, for her loss and not just his own?”
― J. Conrad Guest, The Cobb Legacy

“Humor is also a way of saying something serious.”
― T.S. Eliot

“The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.”
― David Foster Wallace

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
― Steven Wright

“Give the People what they want – and they’ll get what they deserve.”
― The Kinks

“The philosopher Diogenes was eating bread and lentils for supper. He was seen by the philosopher Aristippus, who lived comfortably by flattering the king. Said Aristippus, ‘If you would learn to be subservient to the king you would not have to live on lentils.’

Said [author:Diogenes|3213618, ‘Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king”.”
― Anthony de Mello

“If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.”
― Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack

“She seemed to be a nice person, too, instead of a homicidal bitch like his former wife. Otherwise, the world should fear. When Mencheres fell for a woman, he fell hard. If Kira asked for her own continent as a birthday present, Mencheres would probably have one conquered for her before she blew out her candles.”
― Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

“Dear God in heaven.”
Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”
“Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!”
― Shelly Laurenston, Here Kitty, Kitty!

“Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.
Marvin droned,
Now the world has gone to bed,
Darkness won’t engulf my head,
I can see in infrared,
How I hate the night.
He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Try to count electric sheep,
Sweet dream wishes you can keep,
How I hate the night.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“Garrick was panting when he replied, “You’re not forcing me to do anything. I just want you to be sure. You can say stop at anytime.” His lips pulled wide. “You don’t need to make up a new pet.”
― Cora Carmack, Losing It

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”
― Dave Barry

“The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

“It’d Be a Lot Cooler If You Did.”
― Matthew McConaughey

“Frank stared at her. “But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters.”
Iris looked horrified. “Oh, they’re not Ding Dongs.”
She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs.
“These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations.”
“All natural!” Fleecy chimed in.
“I stand corrected.” Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“What’s that?”
“That’s my attack poodle.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds

“If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-‘
‘Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.’
Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, ‘Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it.”
― Ally Carter, Only the Good Spy Young

“My capacity for happiness,” he added, “you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“I’d heard you were dead.”
“I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

“Just as I had long suspected, a person didn’t really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.”
― Augusten Burroughs, Possible Side Effects

“It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.”
― Terry Pratchett, Soul Music

“Want coffee?” I asked, as I headed that way.
“It’s three thirty in the morning.”
“Okay. Want coffee?”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Bluestar blinked. “There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?”
Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. “Are you mouse-brained?” he snarled. “Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren’t enough trees?”
― Erin Hunter, Firestar’s Quest

“Plans are invitation to disappointment.”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of
the word “Infinite”.
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.
Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a
totally stunning size, “wow, that’s big”, time. Infinity is just so
big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy.
Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly
huge is the sort of concept we’re trying to get across here.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“This is the fast lane, folks…and some of us like it here.”
― Hunter S. Thompson, Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century

“Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry, you can’t have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that’s never going to happen again.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Could we wear spandex and blow things up?”
― Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars

“Shuck it,” Minho responded. “I’m tougher than nails. I could still kick your pony-lovin’ butt with twice this pain.”
Thomas shrugged. “I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.”
― James Dashner, The Scorch Trials

“I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

“Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“A whizzpopper!” cried the BFG, beaming at her. “Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?”
― Roald Dahl, The BFG

“Even now, despite Angeline’s watchfulness, she’d occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd’s pie wasn’t a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.”
― Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart

“I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of ‘this is the song that never ends’. Putting that on me? Come on dude..”
― Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift

“…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.”
― Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

“Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.”
― Mark Twain, Speeches

“How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it”
― Alexandre Dumas

“I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man’s body, although I’d appreciate it if you didn’t quote me on that.
-Bobby Tom”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Heaven, Texas

“No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?
–Poirot”
― Agatha Christie, One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

“You thought I was a werewolf?” Dervish asks.
“Yes” I answer hollowly.
“You ass.”
― Darren Shan, Lord Loss

“Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”
“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”
“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“I’m your friend, and friends don’t let friends die.”
― C.B. Cook, Twinepathy

“Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.”
― Langston Hughes

“The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.”
― George Lucas

“I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.”
― Michael Grant, Gone

“In the action business, when you don’t want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it ‘taking cover.’ It’s more heroic.”
― Jim Butcher, Dead Beat

“Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I’ll cut you in fer half the business here.”
― Moira Young, Blood Red Road

“Elizabeth: “Your balls, Mr. Darcy?”
Darcy: “They belong to you, Miss Bennett.”
― Seth Grahame-Smith, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

“Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.”
― Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

“The ultimate sexist put-down: the prick which lies down on the job. The ultimate weapon in the war between the sexes: the limp prick. The banner of the enemy’s encampment: the prick at half-mast. The symbol of the apocalypse: the atomic warhead prick which self-destructs. That was the basic inequity which could never be righted: not that the male had a wonderful added attraction called a penis, but that the female had a wonderful all-weather cunt. Neither storm nor sleet nor dark of night could faze it. It was always there, always ready. Quite terrifying, when you think about it. No wonder men hated women. No wonder they invented the myth of female inadequacy.”
― Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

“I think you learn more if you’re laughing at the same time.”
― Mary Ann Shaffer

“I’m the crazy girly captain, Remember?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident

“Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain. ”
― George Carlin

“The trick. . .is to find the balance between the bright colors of humor and the serious issues of identity, self-loathing, and the possibility for intimacy and love when it seems no longer possible or, sadder yet, no longer necessary.”
― Wendy Wasserstein

“I don’t know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.”
― Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat

“All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

“I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now.”
― Morrissey

“I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!”
― Jasper Fforde, Lost in a Good Book

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
― Steven Wright

“Now stand in the corner, and think about what you’ve done!”
― Taylor Swift

“ Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won’t have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you’ll be busier.
Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start?
Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.”
― Claudia Gray, Stargazer

“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. ”
― Dave Barry

“You couldn’t be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Heaven, Texas

“I do not,” I felt oddly appalled by her statement. “I’m an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.”
― Carolyn G. Heilbrun, Death in a Tenured Position

“since i will not send this, i also feel it is my duty to inform you that almost six months on I think I still love you and that makes me sad becaue love shouldn’t feel this way. is like getting kicked in the stomach every time i think of you and it makes me want to roll my face across this keyboardbiu;///ubEWdcfhugiov’byhi;.//////-=‘-0i9juh8ygtfdcsaazs34defg7uefg7u8hi9o0p8hi9o0p-[[09ju8dcsaazs34d9o0p-[[09.”
― Jay Kristoff, Illuminae

“Oh that looked painful,” called another Puck, a little farther down. “We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron King

“He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace…”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy’s schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.”
― Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me

“I hate women who complain about being fat when they’re like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn’t a woman. It’s a boy with breasts.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Obsidian Butterfly

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.”
― Erma Bombeck

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.”
― Henry Kissinger

“We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call ‘misdirected rage’. I believe the technical term is being an ass.”
― Natsuki Takaya

“Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.”
― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., Autocrat of the Breakfast Table

“That’s it, cupcake. You’re going down.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“OK,” Josh said evenly, “I’ve seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?” he wondered aloud.
Don’t be ridiculous,” Flamel snapped, “They’re rats.”
Josh really didn’t think it was a ridiculous suggestion.”
― Michael Scott, The Alchemyst

“Do you find this…distracting?”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

“I’m trying to make some sense out of the phrase “Everything happens for a reason,” and I think I’ve figured out what the reason is – to pissed me off.”
― Cecelia Ahern

“ ‘Tell Suzie she’s a lucky cat.’ Have sexier words ever been spoken?”
― Ally Carter

“How are you feeling?”
I leaned away from him. “Gross.”
Aiden frowned. “Gross?”
“I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don’t come near me.”
He laughed. “Alex, come on.”
“Seriously, I’m gross.” I put my hand over my mouth.
Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. “You’re as beautiful as always, Alex.”
I stared at him. He must not get out much.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Deity

“If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?”
― George Deacon

“Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don’t-even-blink wench.”
― Jim Butcher, Fool Moon

“I hate the vamp jobs. They think they’re so suave. It’s not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy.”
― Kiersten White, Paranormalcy

“But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“Every time I annoy him he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house.” Simon pointed at Jace.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“You can run from the grave, but you can’t hide.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave

“Gordon Edgley’s sudden death came as a shock to everyone – not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book, And the Darkness Rained upon Them, and the next he was dead. A tragic loss, his mind echoed numbly as he slipped away.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“I don’t know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you’re brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.”
― John Green

“Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again.“Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.”
Venom raised an eyebrow.“You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.”
Ransom gave the vampire the finger.
Venom grinned.”
― Nalini Singh, Archangel’s Consort

“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid.”
― Robert Fulghum, Maybe, Maybe Not

“Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn’t otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there’s that carb fog while you’re standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it’s over and you feel…used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you’re mad at Dove, too.”
― Jennifer Crusie

“You can read minds, and you didn’t tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You’re doin’ it, aren’t you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.

“I can’t read your mind, you idiot.”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Darkness

“CUSTOMER: Do you have this children’s book I’ve heard about? It’s supposed to be very good. It’s called “Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.”
― Jen Campbell, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?’
Clawing at the roof of her coffin.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”
― Phyllis Diller

“I’m amazing and studly, but I have limits.”
― Jim Butcher, Grave Peril

“It’s all bullshit, folks and it’s bad for ya.”
― George Carlin

“I don’t mind foreigners. God save the queen!” he squeaked and ran.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.”
― Molly Harper

“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
― Yogi Berra

“Once again, I’ve been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and the me I’m currently stuck with.”
― Lauren Graham, Someday, Someday, Maybe

“Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit.
I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I’d never make it.
He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, “I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not going to let you escape again. You can either take a seat and have dinner with me like a normal date,” he grinned at his word choice, “or,” he paused thoughtfully then threatened, “you can sit on my lap while I force-feed you.”
― Colleen Houck, Tiger’s Curse

“Actually I don’t remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.”
― Jim Morrison

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
― Dorothy Parker

“But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for…or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.”
― J.R. Ward, Crave

“Otrera stayed dead the second time,” Kinzie said, batting her eyes. “We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend…well, I think you’d look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit.”
Percy couldn’t tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.”
― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain

“Bad kitty!” he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. “Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!”
-Razor”
― Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen

“Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I’m Jamaican or I’m Ghanaian. America doesn’t care.”
― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Americanah

“Do you sleep naked?”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)”
― Ally Carter, I’d Tell You I Love You, But Then I’d Have to Kill You

“I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is.” Summer says.
“Yeah, I agree,” said August. “Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?”
― R.J. Palacio, Wonder

“Zoo-Wee Mama!”
― Jeff Kinney

“I’m not stubborn. My way is just better.”
― Maya Banks, Rush

“You know, I can see more than just the future or the past.”
“Really?” I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. “Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too. Like, right now, I sense that I’m in a messy room with a total toolbox.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound

“By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”
― Jon Stewart

“You told me I was the best sex you’d ever had in your life…You couldn’t get enough…At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.”
― Rachel Gibson, I’m In No Mood For Love

“What’s the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Carry on, Jeeves

“All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy penguin I knew. Yeah, hiding sounded good.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned

“If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.”
― Johannes Brahms

“I like pancakes.”
― Brandon Mull

“Women are sneaky.”
― Patricia Briggs, The Hob’s Bargain

“This was very exciting. I’d never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn’t much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn’t Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.”
― Meg Cabot, Reunion

“I sheathed my blade and glared at him. “And here I almost thought you weren’t a complete bastard.”
“Well, that’s your mistake, not mine.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure

“If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.”
― Mark Twain

“I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I’m sympathetic, it usually means I haven’t been around people in awhile.”
― John Raptor

“I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”
― Yogi Berra

“The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

“I don’t mind if you forget me.
Having learned my lesson,
I never left an impression on anyone.”
― Morrissey

“Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue.” Shane shrugged. “He hits like a girl, for a vampire.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“You don’t happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?”
“I don’t have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“BE QUIET!!…What do you want…? I was in the middle of saying something nice…”
― Tite Kubo, Bleach, Volume 01

“Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes–unfortunately–it’s hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.
Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener’s Bones

“Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn’t have a soul.”
― Kim Harrison, Dead Witch Walking

“Tut, Tut, looks like rain”
― A.A. Milne

“Hell’s bells, irony blows.”
― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

“Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?”
― David Sedaris

“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”
― George Carlin

“I’ve tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I’m having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone’s ass? Is “ho” always feminine, and “muthafucka” always masculine, while “bitch” can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be “stupid”? I’ll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“I’d rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.”
― Roald Dahl, James and the Giant Peach

“How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?”
― Chetan Bhagat, 2 States: The Story of My Marriage

“I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and–regardless of their political or cultural differences–accuse each other of cheating.”
― Dave Barry, Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism!

“I see you’re a man with ideals. I better be going before you’ve still got them.”
― Mae West

“Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze? ”
― Jean Kerr

“That’s chess!” snapped Ron. “You’ve got to make some sacrifices!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”
“You do have that effect on people.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“He was a writer and words were his weapons.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“I’m so pretty, it’s hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.”
― Jim Butcher, Dead Beat

“Don’t be stupid, it’s a flying house!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can’t seem to shake the phrases “watever” and “no way,” and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them…and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen.”
― Janette Rallison

“Why couldn’t you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!”
― Pittacus Lore, The Rise of Nine

“Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess”, said Marcus. “My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.”
― Dan Wells, Partials

“Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she’s a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Beldevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway! ”
― Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen

“Anthony looked down at his evil clutches — hands, he reminded himself, hands — and grinned anew.”
― Julia Quinn, The Viscount Who Loved Me

“I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don’t know how to account for it, but it is so.”
“It may be Nature’s provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“You weren’t afraid of me when I was Wolf,” he said. “Why are you afraid of Nathan?”
“He’s got big feet!”
“What?”
An insulted-sounding arrroooo came from the other side of the door, a reminder that Wolves also had big ears.”
― Anne Bishop, Written in Red

“Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?”
“It depends on whether or not I get an answer.”
― Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

“The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

“Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working-
Will interrupted. Henry, he said, your on fire. You do know that, don’t you?
Oh, yes, Henry said eagerly. The flames were now nearly to his shoulder. I’ve been working like a man possessed all day. Charlotte, did you hear what i said about the sensor?
Charlotte dropped her hand from her mouth. Henry! She shrieked. Your arm!
Henry glanced down at his arm, and his mouth dropped open.
Bloody hell!”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“My first words, as I was being born […] I looked up at my mother and said, ‘that’s the last time I’m going up one of those.”
― Stephen Fry

“Bitten? You mean you’re a-”
“A werewolf,” said the girl. “Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole’s sister.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials,” said Will. “And I do wish she wouldn’t sing about poisoning just after we’ve eaten.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”
― George Carlin

“To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart – that’s if I had one.”
― Morrissey

“If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know,” Simon was getting fed up. “Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I’m something in a petrie dish? Next time I’ll send you a photo.”

“And I’ll frame it and put it on my nightstand,” Jace said, but he didn’t sound as if his heart was in the sarcasm. “Look, I asked you here for a reason, not to stare at you. Much as I hate to admit it, vampire, we have something in common.”

“Totally awesome hair?” Simon suggested”
― Cassandra Clare

“She blew out a breath between gritted teeth. “Sometimes I really want to”—a frustrated sound—“bite you!”
He froze. “I might let you.”
“I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.”
― Nalini Singh, Kiss of Snow

“My dearest girl,’ said the vampire finally, examining Lord Maccon with an exhausted but appreciative eye, ‘such a banquet. Never been one to favor werewolves myself, but he is very well equipped, now, is he not?’

Miss Tarabotti gave him an arch look. ‘My goodies,’ she warned.
Humans,’ chuckled the vampire, ‘so possessive.”
― Gail Carriger, Soulless

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
― Woody Allen

“You’re such a cynic,” Molly said.
“I think cynics are playful and cute.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.”
― Rachel Vincent, Rogue

“Wizard Howl,” said Wizard Suliman. “I must apologize for trying to bite you so often. In the normal way, I wouldn’t dream of setting teeth in a fellow countryman.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“It was beautiful in a harsh I’m-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.”
― Rick Riordan

“Mr. McGregor’s a nasty piece of work, isn’t he? Quite the Darth Vader of children’s literature.”
― Jasper Fforde

“Maybe we should go on lots of double dates,” Cath said, “and then we can get married on the same day in a double ceremony, in matching dresses, and the four of us will light the unity candle all at the same time.”
“Pfft,” Levi said, “I’m picking out my own dress.”
― Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl

“A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, “How to Build a Boat.”
― Stephen Wright

“However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they’re zombies.”
― Meg Cabot, Airhead

“When did you become a woman?”-Hatori
How dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times…”-Yuki
GASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean…” fan club girls
NO! He’s my doctor…”Yuki”
― Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 2

“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
― Jeff Foxworthy

“This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn’t – that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.”
― Steven Moffat

“You called me at four thirty-four….I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Heifer.”
“Rich man’s whore!”
“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”
“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!”
― Shelly Laurenston, Big Bad Beast

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”
― Dave Barry

“There must be a mistake,” I said.
He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. “That’s a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?”
― Chelsea M. Cameron, My Favorite Mistake

“Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn’t automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don’t get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver’s seat and come round and open the car door for you. That’s his job!”
― Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment

“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell”
― Philip Henry Sheridan

“I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.”
― Amy Sommers, I Had a Dream About You

“He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard,
then pulled his hand back with a snap.
“Ah,” he said. “Must deactivate the security….Turn around, please.”
“What?”
“Turn around, Claire. It’s a secure password!”
“You have GOT to be kidding.”
“Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead”
― Michael Summers, I Had a Dream About You

“If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn’t fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy.”
― Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire

“And Flock Rule Number Two is, Don’t argue with Max or you’ll live to regret it.” I spun and stomped out to the clearing, turning back for one last jab at Dylan. “And by the way, you clearly DON’T know me better than Fang does. Do you see Fang arguing with me? No, you do not.”
Fang rolled his eyes.”
― James Patterson

“Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.”
― José Saramago

“Hallucinations are bad enough. But after awhile you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip-the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into the Circus-Circus and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Las Vegas twelve times the size of God, howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs.”
― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

“No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ”
― Abraham Lincoln

“It’s not reasonable to love people who are only going to die,” she said.
Nash thought about that for a moment, stroking Small’s neck with great deliberation, as if the fate of the Dells depended on that smooth, careful movement.
“I have two responses to that,” he said finally. “First, everyone’s going to die. Second, love is stupid. It has nothing to do with reason. You love whomever you love. Against all reasons I loved my father.” He looked at her keenly. “Did you love yours?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
He stroked Small’s nose. “I love you,” he said, “even knowing you’ll never have me. And I love my brother, more than I ever realized before you came along. You can’t help whom you love, Lady. Nor can you know what it’s liable to cause you to do.”
She made a connection then. Surprised she sat back from him and studied his face, soft with shadows and light. She saw a part of him she hadn’t seen before.
“You came to me for lessons to guard your mind,” she said, “and you stopped asking me to marry you, both at the same time. You did those things out of love for your brother.”
“Well” he said, looking a bit sheepishly at the floor. “I also took a few swings at him, but that’s neither here nor there.”
“You’re good at love,” she said simply, because it seemed to her that it was true. “I’m not so good at love. I’m like a barbed creature. I push everyone I love away.”
He shrugged. “I don’t mind you pushing me away if it means you love me, little sister.”
― Kristin Cashore, Fire

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”

“Of course you’re fine.” She keeps walking. “You’re the devil’s bride and these are his creatures.”

“I’m not the devil’s bride.”
“He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?”
― Susan Ee, World After

“Winston Gallagher!” I said, recognizing the first ghost I’de met. Then my eyes narrowed & I covered my hand in front of my crotch as I saw Winstons gaze fasten there next. “Don’t even think about poltergeisting my panties again”. “This is the sod? Come here you scurvy little–” “Bones don’t!” I interrupted. He stopped, giving a last glare to him while mouthing YOU. ME. EXORCIST. before returning to my side.”
― Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

“Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?” he asked, one hand on his skinny hip.
“No, sir,” David said. “But thank you for asking.” The students around them laughed, but Mr. james didn’t look pleased. Laurel leaned back and grinned. David, one. Teacher who wishes he was as smart as David? Zero”
― Aprilynne Pike, Wings

“Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances?

Yeah, I guess I’m ready, but listen:

Perfume is a disguise. Since the middle ages, we have worn masks of fruit and flowers in order to conceal from ourselves the meaty essence of our humanity. We appreciate the sexual attractant of the rose, the ripeness of the orange, more than we honor our own ripe carnality.

Now today we want to perfume our cities, as well; to replace their stinging fumes of disturbed fossils’ sleep with the scent of gardens and orchards. Yet, humans are not bees any more than they are blossoms. If we must pull an olfactory hood over our urban environment, let it be of a different nature.

I want to travel on a train that smells like snowflakes.

I want to sip in cafes that smell like comets.

Under the pressure of my step, I want the streets to emit the precise odor of a diamond necklace.

I want the newspapers I read to smell like the violins left in pawnshops by weeping hobos on Christmas Eve.

I want to carry luggage that reeks of the neurons in Einstein’s brain.

I want a city’s gases to smell like the golden belly hairs of the gods.

And when I gaze at a televised picture of the moon, I want to detect, from a distance of 239,000 miles, the aroma of fresh mozzarella.”
― Tom Robbins, Wild Ducks Flying Backward

“That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” Puck said.
“How cool will it be when it kills us?” Sabrina asked.
“Considerably less cool,” Puck replied.”
― Michael Buckley, The Everafter War

“Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who’s about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she’s just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope….But no pressure.”
― Nora Roberts, High Noon

“No,” said Luis, “You can’t date the Lord of the Night Court.”
“Well, I’m not, he dumped me.”
“You can’t get dumped by the lord of the night court.”
“Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.”
― Holly Black, Ironside

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
― Steven Wright

“I hate patience. Slows everything down.”
― J.D. Robb, Witness in Death

“Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick.”
― Erma Bombeck

“She’s under duress,” Peaseblossom said.
“I don’t care if she’s under duress, over it, or alongside it,” Moth said. “Nothing in this world supersedes cake.”
― Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars

“I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …
Are you laughing at me?”
“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get so
excited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”
“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”
“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”

“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips.”
― Brandon Mull, The Candy Shop War

“Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.”
― Mark Twain

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”
― Steven Wright

“Easy. Peasy”
― P.C. Cast

“Rhett: If you’ve made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction.”
― Rowena Cherry, Knight’s Fork

“Beside me, Molly rolled her shoulders in a few jerky motions and pushed at her hair in fitful little gestures. She tugged at her well-tattered skirts, and grimaced at her boots. “Can you see if there’s any mud on them?”

I paused to consider her for a second. Then I said, “You have two tattoos showing right now, and you probably used a fake ID to get them. Your piercings would set off any metal detector worth the name, and you’re featuring them in parts of your anatomy your parents wish you didn’t yet realize you had. You’re dressed like Frankenhooker, and your hair has been dyed colors I previously thought existed only in cotton candy.” I turned to face the door again. “I wouldn’t waste time worrying about a little mud on the boots.”
― Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty

“You can’t save everyone, though God knows you try.”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“I’m about as intimidating as a butterfly.”
― Dan Howell

“Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.”
― Bill Watterson

“Holy mother!”
“Hmph. More like holy father. I’d think you’d know the difference.”

-Hephaetus”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don’t they?”
― Carl Sagan

“A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.”
― Banksy

“One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem in becoming your own father or mother that a broad-minded and well-adjusted family can’t cope with. There is no problem with changing the course of history—the course of history does not change because it all fits together like a jigsaw. All the important changes have happened before the things they were supposed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end.

The major problem is simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr. Dan Streetmentioner’s Time Traveler’s Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you, for instance, how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. The event will be descibed differently according to whether you are talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from a time in the further future, or a time in the further past and is futher complicated by the possibility of conducting conversations while you are actually traveling from one time to another with the intention of becoming your own mother or father.

Most readers get as far as the Future Semiconditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up; and in fact in later aditions of the book all pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term “Future Perfect” has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“I wish someone had just told me the truth right up front, as soon as I was old enough to understand it. I wish someone had just said: “Here’s the deal, Wade. You’re something called a ‘human being.’ That’s a really smart kind of animal. Like every other animal on this planet, we’re descended from a single-celled organism that lived millions of years ago. This happened by a process called evolution, and you’ll learn more about it But trust me, that’s really how we all got here. There’s proof of it everywhere, buried in the rocks. That story you heard? About how we were all created by a super-powerful dude named God who lives up in the sky? Total bullshit. The whole God thing is actually an ancient fairy tale that people have been telling one another for thousands of years. We made it all up. Like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. “Oh, and by the way … there’s no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. Also bullshit. Sorry, kid Deal with it.”
― Ernest Cline, Ready Player One

“He has fought many battles with us” (Jace)
By which you mean one battle” muttered Simon. “Two if you count the one I was a rat”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.”
― Susan Beth Pfeffer, The Dead and the Gone

“And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.”
― Jane Austen

“Yeah you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Should I pull on a shirt?” he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. “No.” He’d be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn’t going to tell him that part. “You’re fine.”
― Gena Showalter, Alice in Zombieland

“Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?” He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”
― Woody Allen

“The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.”
― John Maynard Keynes, A Tract on Monetary Reform

“Well,” she said. “I’m frustrated.”
“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”
“Give me the laundry.”
“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.”
― Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl

“Yo, cop. We’re heading for Screamer’s. You wanna come?”

Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him.

Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn’t have to sit alone at lunch after all.”
― J.R. Ward

“- Did you really save the world ?…
– Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.”
― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

“You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I’d be shooting myself in the head if I were you.”
― Jeaniene Frost

“That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.

First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.”
― Brian Regan, Live

“I’m not going to die, I’m going home like a shooting star.”
― Sojourner Truth

“Anything that doesn’t take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.”
― Cormac McCarthy

“I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.”
― A.S. King, Please Ignore Vera Dietz

“I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.”
― Jim Butcher, Turn Coat

“What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m making an A in History’?”
― C.J. Daugherty, Night School

“Holy mother of rectangles.”
― Dan Howell

“It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?”
― Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad

“He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.
A nightmare. This was a nightmare. “You can’t really like flowers.”
Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once.
I most certainly do, he seemed to say.”
― Sarah J. Maas, Heir of Fire

“Jiggery pokery!” said Harry in a fierce voice. “Hocus pocus — squiggly wiggly —”
“MUUUUUUM!” howled Dudley, “He’s doing you know what!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.”
― Bill Cosby

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”
― Mark Twain

“now, if there’s anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it’s not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person’s tongue does. loll. loll. i can’t think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you’re not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS)” ― David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson “He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it's like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The girl who could actually do it should win an award for idiot of the century.” ― Colleen Houck, Tiger's Curse
“Da. This is going very well already.”

Thomas barked out a laugh. “There are seven of us against the Red King and his thirteen most powerful nobles, and it’s going well?”

Mouse sneezed.

“Eight,” Thomas corrected himself. He rolled his eyes and said, “And the psycho death faerie makes it nine.”

“It is like movie,” Sanya said, nodding. “Dibs on Legolas.”

“Are you kidding?” Thomas said. “I’m obviously Legolas. You’re . . .” He squinted thoughtfully at Sanya and then at Martin. “Well. He’s Boromir and you’re clearly Aragorn.”

“Martin is so dour, he is more like Gimli.” Sanya pointed at Susan. “Her sword is much more like Aragorn’s.”

“Aragorn wishes he looked that good,” countered Thomas.

“What about Karrin?” Sanya asked.

“What–for Gimli?” Thomas mused. “She is fairly–”

“Finish that sentence, Raith, and we throw down,” said Murphy in a calm, level voice.

“Tough,” Thomas said, his expression aggrieved. “I was going to say ‘tough.’ ”

As the discussion went on–with Molly’s sponsorship, Mouse was lobbying to claim Gimli on the basis of being the shortest, the stoutest, and the hairiest–

“Sanya,” I said. “Who did I get cast as?”

“Sam,” Sanya said.

I blinked at him. “Not . . . Oh, for crying out loud, it was perfectly obvious who I should have been.”

Sanya shrugged. “It was no contest. They gave Gandalf to your godmother. You got Sam.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“Heroism doesn’t pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.”
― Jim Butcher, Dead Beat

“Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon’s love life borderline hilarious.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“The big difference between my mom and me– besides the fact that she is dead normal and I’m a magic-handling freak– is that she’s the real thing. She may have a slight problem seeing other people’s points of view, but she’s honest about it. She’s a brass-bound bitch because she believes she knows best. I’m a brass-bound bitch because I don’t want anyone getting close enough to find out what a whiny little knot of naked nerve endings I really am. ”
― Robin McKinley, Sunshine

“What are you doing?”
“Ya!” said Jane, whirling around, her hands held up menacingly.
It was Mr. Nobley with coat, hat, and cane, watching her with wide eyes. Jane took several quick (but oh so casual) steps away from Martin’s window.
“Um, did I just say, ‘Ya’?”
“You just said ‘Ya,'” he confirmed. “If I am not mistaken, it was a battle cry, warning that you were about to attack me.
I, uh…” She stopped to laugh. “I wasn’t aware until this precise and awkward moment that when startled in a startled in a strange place, my instincts would have me pretend to be a ninja.”
― Shannon Hale, Austenland

“Welcome to Hell. Here’s your accordion.”
― Gary Larson, The Complete Far Side, 1980–1994

“Is it really you this time, Kells?”
“Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.”
He grinned. “That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.”
― Colleen Houck

“A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.”
― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

“Principal Principal: Where’s your late pass, mister?
Errant Student: I’m on my way to get one now.
PP: But you can’t be in the hall without a pass.
ES: I know, I’m so upset. That’s why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass.
Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck’s when Bugs is pulling a fast one.
PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs.

“Sometime,” I told him. “When we’re telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.”
― Patricia Briggs, Bone Crossed

“I box in yellow Gox box socks.”
― Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

“If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. ”
― James Thurber

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.”
― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices: Third Series

“The greater part of the world’s troubles are due to questions of grammar.”
― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

“Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.”
“Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Color of Magic

“But you can’t stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.”
― Sophie Kinsella, Remember Me?

“I thought you said you were the one in charge!” Ce’Nedra exclaimed.
I lied.” Silk said. “It’s a vice I have.”
― David Eddings, Queen of Sorcery

“I told them he’d be able to get you to go out.” Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. “Look at him.”

“He’s right here, Ri,” Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an apologetic look.
“We’ve tried to teach her manners, but…” She shrugged. “It’s like housebreaking a dog. If we’d had her when she was a puppy, maybe.”

Rianne smacked her on the arm, but she was grinning. “Woof, woof.”
― Melissa Marr, Wicked Lovely

“A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.”
― Steven Pressfield, The Virtues of War: A Novel of Alexander the Great

“I’m not dreaming this, am I?” he asked.
Dehvi lifted an eyebrow. “There’s only one way to know for sure,” he said.
What’s that?”
Go piss in the woods. If you feel wet and warm afterward, wake up.”
― Brent Weeks, Beyond the Shadows

“Sorry. i just can’t seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn’t know what to think, how to act. I’ll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Why would you throw a ball in someone’s face?…Huh. That’s a pretty good reason. Well, I can’t do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Are you her boyfriend?”

No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.
We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.
Our wedding isn’t until March.”
― Brandon Mull, The Candy Shop War

“Here’s something for you to remember; you might have been born into money, but you came out of a vagina the same as everyone else. Popping out of one that’s rich doesn’t make you anything but lucky, or susceptible to being stuck your own arse. Whichever.”
― Suzanne Wright, From Rags

“So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Ranger is an unusual name,” she managed. “Is it a nickname?”
It’s a street name,” Ranger said. “I was a Ranger in the army.”
I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get dogs pregnant.”
My father’s mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That’s sort of a joke,” I told Grandma. “Rangers don’t get dogs pregnant in real life.”
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“I care. They bother me. And that’s why I’m stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I’m stupid to the power of stupid.”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“Even if I could, I wouldn’t. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat.”
I grinned. “I’ve noticed.”
Reyn’s face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. “It’s an equestrian term.”
“Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.”
― Cate Tiernan, Immortal Beloved

“Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.”
― Alexandra Potter, You’re The One That I Don’t Want

“Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded”
― Yogi Berra

“You just noticed? You’re slow…”
― Tite Kubo, Bleach, Volume 01

“I stood my ground. “You evil scientist are all the same–evil. Count me out.”
Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I’d already made a huge enemy.
Dang, I’m good.”
― James Patterson, Fang

“Sit, Phantom!” Ivy cooed. “On your bottom!”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake!” Gabriel put down his book and pointed a longer finger at Phantom. “Sit,” he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor.
Ivy scowled in frustration. “I’ve been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority?”
― Alexandra Adornetto, Halo

“Hmm…now that I think about it, housecats are often coddled and petted. You don’t pet me nearly enough. You must be a lax owner. How selfish of you to deprive your cat of attention.”
― Colleen Houck

“Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.”
― Kim Harrison, Every Which Way But Dead

“I’m sorry I hurt your hand…with my face.”
-Bobby Pendragon”
― D.J. MacHale

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.”
― Aesop

“Fire wants to burn
Water wants to flow
Air wants to rise
Earth wants to bind
Chaos wants to devour
Cal wants to live”
― Cassandra Clare, The Iron Trial

“Of course, now I had the problem of communicating what I needed. Marlen was still beating on the door, and Dimitri would be up in a couple of minutes. I glared at the human, hoping I looked terrifying. From his expression, I did. I attempted the caveman talk I had with Inna…only this time the message was a little harder.
“Stick,” I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. “Stick. Where?”
He stared at me in utter confusion and then asked, in perfect English, “Why are you talking like that?”
“Oh for God’s sake,” I exclaimed. “Where is the vault?”
“Vault?”
“A place they keep weapons?”
He continued staring.
“Oh,” he said. “That.” Uneasily, he cast his eyes in the direction of the pounding.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

“I realized then what had happened.

She had turned us–all of us, except for Mouse–into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.

Wonderful!” Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. “Come, children!” And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble and swift as a doe.

A bunch of us dogs stood around for a moment, just sort of staring at one another.

And Mouse said, in what sounded to me like perfectly understandable English, “That bitch.”
― Jim Butcher, Changes

“I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.
-Calvin”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last
present you gave me was a stick.”
“You wanted a weapon.”
“It was a stick.”
“It had a bow on it.”
“It was a stick.”
“I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.”
― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you’re living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?!”
― Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 2

“There’s something different about you,” he says.
“I’ve started styling my hair differently,” I laugh.
“Oh. I thought it was that you were three feet taller, a hell of a lot broader, look like a werewolf, and are naked expect for that bit of cloth around your waist. But you’re right – it’s the hair.”
― Darren Shan, Wolf Island

“When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?”
― Cat Johnson

“Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some.”
Ebenezar tsked. “Blampires. That’s the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.”
― Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

“I never know,” Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, “What’s the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?”
“Stalagmite’s got an ‘m’ in it,” said Hagrid.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can’t fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it “sir” because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It

“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ”
― Dave Barry

“Now we’re going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don’t we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we’re at it?”
― Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure

“Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.”
― Anonymous

“You are all a lost generation,” Gertrude Stein said to Hemingway. We weren’t lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn’t go home. Ours was the generation that stayed up all night.”
― James Thurber, Selected Letters

“Casey doesn’t trust him.”
“Casey doesn’t trust anyone,” I replied. “He’s paranoid like that. I mean, come on, he’s a werewolf who installed a nanny cam in his kids’ room.” I pointed my spoon at Ali for emphasis. “A nanny cam.”
― Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Raised by Wolves

“No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time. ”
― Robert Half

“Church was doing what he often did when dropped – lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“What?” Jace was still staring at her as if she’d told him she’d found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.”
― Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty

“Yes you’re getting your tattoo.” I threw my arms around Dad’s neck. “Thank you!” “Hey,” Mom said. “I’m the one who had to persuade him it wasn’t turning his little girl into a streetwalker.” “I never said that,” Dad said. “No?” I said. “Cool. Cause I’ve decided to skip the paw print. I’m thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says ‘Hot in Here.’ No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Gathering

“Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.”
― Sarah Rees Brennan

“We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!”
― Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen

“It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of pragmatism beyond endurance. Santa Claus makes children good in precisely the same way, and yet no one would argue seriously that the fact proves his existence. The defense of religion is full of such logical imbecilities. The theologians, taking one with another, are adept logicians, but every now and then they have to resort to sophistries so obvious that their whole case takes on an air of the ridiculous. Even the most logical religion starts out with patently false assumptions. It is often argued in support of this or that one that men are so devoted to it that they are willing to die for it. That, of course, is as silly as the Santa Claus proof. Other men are just as devoted to manifestly false religions, and just as willing to die for them. Every theologian spends a large part of his time and energy trying to prove that religions for which multitudes of honest men have fought and died are false, wicked, and against God.”
― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report

“I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.”
― Sara Wolf, Lovely Vicious

“You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.”
“Yeah,” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Mrs. Spence picks up a roll of toilet paper from the counter and scrunches her nose.
“Ask Caymen about that,” Xander says.
Great, now I have to explain to his mother about my vandalism? “Your son called me with a toilet paper emergency. I rushed right over.”
She looks confused so Xander says, “She’s kidding, Mom.”
― Kasie West, The Distance Between Us

“Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?” Don’t you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?” Wasn’t there any change?”
― Erma Bombeck

“I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.”
― Mark Twain

“What, you didn’t pack your lunch?” Ty asked sarcastically as he
shifted around in the seat and wedged himself against the door. He kicked a
foot up and propped it on the console between the two front seats.
“Sure, in my SpongeBob SquarePants lunch box. I have the thermos,
too,” Morrison shot right back.
Zane kept his mouth shut, eyes moving between the two men, and
occasionally back to the driver, who was casually paying attention.
Ty stared at the kid and narrowed his eyes further. “Spongewhat?” he
asked flatly.
Zane didn’t even try to hold back the chuckle when Morrison looked
at Ty like he’d lost his mind.
“Spongewha … you’re yanking my chain, aren’t you?” Morrison
said. “Henny, he’s yanking my chain.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what you getting for waving it in his face,” the
driver answered reasonably.
“What the hell is a SpongeBob?” Ty asked Zane quietly in the
backseat.”
― Madeleine Urban, Cut & Run

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”
― Steven Wright

“A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.”
― Brandon Mull, Keys to the Demon Prison

“After the satyrs filed in to dinner, the Hermes cabin brought up the rear. They were always the biggest cabin. Last summer it had been led by Luke, the guy who fought with Thalia and Annabeth on top of Half-Blood Hill. For a while, before Poseidon had claimed me, I’d lodged in the Hermes cabin. Luke had befriended me…and then he’d tried to kill me.”
― Rick Riordan

“A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn’t belong in a smart people’s club.”
― Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

“The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in leisure moments when the words of
some loved poet touch a deep, sweet chord in the soul that until then had been silent. But in college there is no time to commune with one’s thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures–solitude, books and imagination–outside with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a rainy day.”
― Helen Keller, The Story of My Life

“Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.”
― Gail Carriger, Soulless

“Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, ‘Don’t abuse me like your parents abuse you!’ Then call children’s services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you’re worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.”
― Eugene Mirman

“I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

“There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.”
― Werner Heisenberg

“Why do humans never do as they’re told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn’t, bad idea.”
― Jonathan Morris, Doctor Who: Touched By An Angel

“It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!”
― Karen Marie Moning, Iced

“When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out”
― Chris Colfer, Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal

“A man’s subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Adventures of Sally

“Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan’s ape father is brutally murdered.
And that was only because he was laughing so hard.”
― Meg Cabot, Princess Mia

“I had a dream about you last night… you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.”
― Nicole McKay, I Had a Dream About You

“The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way.”
― James Finn Garner, Politically Correct Bedtime Stories

“Ayame: “Yuki, let’s deepen the bond between us brothers!”
Yuki: “Before you can do that I’ll drown you in the deepest part of that lake.”
Ayame: “As long as we spend time together.”
Yuki: “On second thought, go drown yourself.”
― Natsuki Takaya

“I’m dying!” Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. “I’m dying, look at me! It’s killed me!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“I loved you way before you ever had a chance to put a spell on me. I loved you at ‘I’ve never been to Long Island,'” Zach said.
I couldn’t keep a big goofy grin from my face.
I loved you at ‘I like seals,'” I admitted. He grinned back.”
― Meg Cabot, Jinx

“While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: “To —-, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw.”

He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: “With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“I still love him so much I’ll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I’ll do anything to destroy him.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm…”
― Michelle Herman, Dog

“I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.”
― Claudia Gray, Stargazer

“It smells terrible in here.’
Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.”
― John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces

“Was that you, Pooky Bear?”
― Susan Ee, World After

“I’m a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don’t you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of “divisive” in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.”
― Ann Coulter, If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans

“How did you-”
Fool your guards? They’re not very good, the forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.”Valek grinned. His angular face softened.”
― Maria V. Snyder

“I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.”
― Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman’s Bag

“It’s the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can’t stand each other. It’s like we’re already married.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Married By Morning

“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another — the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“An open Facebook page is simply a psychiatric dry erase board that screams, “Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but you’re not cool enough to be my friend. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval of God is not all I need.”
― Shannon L. Alder

“How would you feel about sharing your bed?” she asked.
Tristan blinked. “Excuse me?”
“He’d love to!” Gary said.
Tristan shot him a look,
“Good,” said Ivy, failing to notice Gary’s wink. “Ella can be a pillow hog, but all you have to do is roll over her.”
― Elizabeth Chandler, Kissed by an Angel/The Power of Love/Soulmates

“The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.”
― Larissa Ione, Desire Unchained

“Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, “You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.”
― Shelly Laurenston, Pack Challenge

“Mr Lorry asks the witness questions:
Ever been kicked?
Might have been.
Frequently? No. Ever kicked down stairs?
Decidedly not; once received a kick at the top of a staircase, and fell down stairs of his own accord.”
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

“Life is All About How you Handle Plan B
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version —
Where nothing goes as it should.
It’s at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in..
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine…
Life is all about how you handle Plan B.”
― Suzy Toronto, The Sacred Sisterhood Of Wonderful Wacky Women

“If you don’t make a few ememies now and then, you’re a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!
– Angela to Eragon”
― Christopher Paolini, Inheritance

“If he’s getting married, he’s not longer interesting.”
― Colette, Gigi & The Cat

“The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.”
― Josh Lanyon, The Dickens with Love

“We are gods with anuses.”
― Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

“Girls,” their mother interjected, “you must both stop being strange – it is unattractive. And don’t forget your hats. It would be absolutely the end for me if you two came down with freckles at a time like this.”
― Anna Godbersen, The Luxe

“I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!”
― Jerry Scott

“You have to watch your language. People will think you have no fucking class”
― Lani Diane Rich

“God, I love a man who reads”
― Tiffany Reisz, Seven Day Loan

“There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, “He’s an old soppy really, just poke him if he’s a nuisance,” and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker.”
― Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

“Nix to Declan:

Begin transcript—
Testing. Hello, hellooo, anybody out there? Check, check, one, two. Soft pee. Puh, puh. Resonance! Sooooooft pee. Alpha bravo disco tango duck.
This is Nïx! I’m the Ever-Knowing One, a goddess incandescent, incomparable, and irresistible. But enough about what you think of me. It’s a beautiful day in New Orleans. The wind is out of the east at a steady five knots and clouds look like rabbits … But enough about what you think of me!
Now, down to business—
Squirrel!
Where was I? [Long pause] Why am I in Regin’s car? Bertil, you crawl right back out of that bong this minute!
Oh, I remember! I am hereby laying down this track for Magister Declan Chase. If you are a mortal of the recorder peon class, know that Dekko and I go waaaaay back, and he’ll go berserk (snicker snicker) if he doesn’t receive this transmittal. …
Chase, riddle me this: what’s beautiful but monstrous, long of tooth but sharp of tooth and soft of mind, and can never ever tell a lie?
That’s right. The Enemy of Old can be very useful to you. So use him already.
P.S. Your middle name’s about to be spelled r-e-g-r-e-t.
And with that, I must bid you adieu. Don’t worry, we’ll catch up very soon. …
[Muffled] Who’s mummy’s wittle echolocator? That’s right—you are!
—End transcript”
― Kresley Cole, Dreams of a Dark Warrior

“I’m not an idiot, Kenji. I have reasons for the things I say.”

“Yeah, and maybe I’m just saying that you have no idea what you’re saying.”
“Whatever.”
“Don’t whatever me—”
“Whatever,” I say again.

“Oh my God,” Kenji says to no one in particular. “I think this girl wants to get her ass kicked.”

“You couldn’t kick my ass if I had ten of them.”
Kenji laughs out loud. “Is that a challenge?”
“It’s a warning,” I say to him.

“Ohhhhhh, so you’re threatening me now? Little crybaby knows how to make threats now?”
“Shut up, Kenji.”
“Shut up, Kenji,” he repeats in a whiny voice, mocking me.”
― Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me

“Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They’ll believe anything they see in print.”
― E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”
― Dorothy Parker

“My geekness is a-quivering.”
― Jack Thorne, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – Parts One and Two

“If you’re worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.”
“The what?”
Xavier shook his head in disbelief.
“You worry me,” he muttered.”
― Alexandra Adornetto, Halo

“Listen, street punk. You’re a guy, and you’re a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you’re in a gang. But I’ve survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?”
― James Patterson, Angel

“It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“We were just looking at maps…”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“Right, you’ve got a crooked sort of cross…” He consulted Unfogging the Future. “That means you’re going to have ‘trials and suffering’ — sorry about that — but there’s a thing that could be the sun… hang on… that means ‘great happiness’… so you’re going to suffer but be very happy…”

“You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me,” said Ron, and they both had to stifle their laughs as Professor Trelawney gazed in their direction.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“You can’t make footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?”
― Bob Moawad

“That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“He gave her a sly, sideways look. “Did you
bring it?”

“My list? Heavens, no. What can you be thinking?”

His smile widened. “I brought mine.”

Daphne gasped. “You didn’t!”

“I did. Just to torture Mother. I’m going peruse it right in front of her, pull out my quizzing glass—”

“You don’t have a quizzing glass.”

He grinned—the slow, devastatingly wicked smile that all Bridgerton males seemed to possess. “I bought one just for this occasion.”

“Anthony, you absolutely cannot. She will kill you. And then, somehow, she’ll find a way to blame me.”

“I’m counting on it.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”
“I shot him with an arrow.”
“What kind of arrow?”
“A sharp one.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?”
― Chelsea Fine, Awry

“Don’t count your owls before they are delivered.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I’ve won Satan’s lottery.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“And Mega has a crush on Chester.”
“I do not!”
“Do too, Mega.”
“He’s like, old!”
“How old, Christian says.”
“Like at least thirty or something.”
Lor laughs. ” Fucking ancient, ain’t it, kid?”
“Dude,” I agree. I like Lor.”
― Karen Marie Moning, Iced

“Rich children are always blond, Jocelyn goes. It has to do with vitamins.”
― Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad

“Now lemme get this straight,” she said in a throaty, nasal voice. “You put the lime in the cocanut and drink ’em both up–whoa, long faces. What am I interrupting?”
― Lauren Kate

“Well finish your story anyway.”

Where was I?”

The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses.”

Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to find a live patient to treat. In bed after bed after bed we found dead people.

And Father started giggling,” Castle continued.

He couldn’t stop. He walked out into the night with his flashlight. He was still giggling. He was making the flashlight beam dance over all the dead people stacked outside. He put his hand on my head and do you know what that marvelous man said to me?” asked Castle.

Nope.”

‘Son,’ my father said to me, ‘someday this will all be yours.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

“Leo. Jason said, you’re wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don’t remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

“Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
― Erma Bombeck

“Why are we bringing him along, again?” Will inquired, of the world in general as well as his sister.
Cecily put her hands on her hips. “Why are you bringing Tessa?”
“Because Tessa and I are going to be married,” Will said, and Tessa smiled; the way that Will’s little sister could ruffle his feathers like no one else was still amusing to her.
“Well, Gabriel and I might well be married,” Cecily said. “Someday.”
Gabriel made a choking noise, and turned an alarming shade of purple.
Will threw up his hands. “You can’t be married Cecily! You’re only fifteen! When I get married, I’ll be eighteen! An adult!”
Cecily did not look impressed. “We may have a long engagement,” she said. “But I cannot see why you are counseling me to marry a man my parents have never met.”
Will sputtered. “I am not counseling you to marry a man your parents have never met!”
“Then we are in agreement. Gabriel must meet Mam and Dad.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Where are you going?”
“Nowhere special. I just have some… things to do.”
“Why did you pause?’
“I’m sorry?”
“You paused. You have ‘some… things to do.’
“No reason, I just–”
“You’re up to something.”
“No–”
“Then why’d you pause?”
“Get in the car.”
She got in. He got in.
“Seat belt,” he said.
Why’d you pause?”
His head drooped. “Because I’m up to somthing.”
“And why can’t I come with you?”
“Because it’s something sneaky.”
“Do you promise to tell me later?”
“I do.”
“Well all right then.” She clicked her seat belt into place. “Let’s go.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Jocks usually aren’t smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.”
― Katie McGarry, Dare You To

“Bethany blinked. “Did you just hit me?” she asked, disbelief coloring her every feature.

Skylar raised both hands, palms outward. “I come in peace!”

“You do not come in peace. You hit me.”

“I hit in peace!”
― Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Every Other Day

“The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.”
― Jon Stewart

“Becky Renee Apple – can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with ‘BRA’?”
― P.C. Cast, Burned

“A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.”
― Daniel Handler

“See? This is why I’m not religious. I couldn’t possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.”
― Jim Butcher, White Night

“Roger, he has a chain saw,” I hissed. “I am not going to die in Kentucky!”
― Morgan Matson, Amy & Roger’s Epic Detour

“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m thinking; How can I give less of shit? That’s why I look interested.”
― Justin Halpern

“But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.”
― Audrey Hepburn

“Oh Blimey O‘Reilly’s pantyhose…what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.
What light doth through yonder window break?
It’s the bloody moon, for God’s sake, Will, get a grip!!”
― Louise Rennison, Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas

“Juliet’s version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.”
― Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

“Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing ‘Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals’ t-shirts: Doesn’t it depend on what my goals are?”
― John Green

“We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good. Once, I lost my grip and found myself dangling by one hand from a ledge fifty feet above the rocky surf. But I found another handhold and kept climbing. A minute later Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was mt face.
“Sorry,” she murmured.
“S’okay,” I grunted, though I’d never really wanted to know what Annabeth’s sneaker tasted like.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you–
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You’ll be the first it ever did.”
― Dorothy Parker

“The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy.”

– Cat re: Bones”
― Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave

“And by golly, love sure was a battlefield. Benatar was right about that.”
― Charlaine Harris, Club Dead

“Not really hungry.”
“She’ll eat.” Pritkin said curtly.
“I said —”
“If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation.”
“I eat plenty.”
“The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however.”
“I’ll have a sandwich,” I told Nick. “No meat.”
― Karen Chance, Embrace the Night

“Death doesn’t care about personalities – he’s more interested in meeting quotas.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Sorry, did I say something wrong?” said Marvin, dragging himself on regardless. “Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don’t know why I bother to say it, oh God I’m so depressed. Here’s another one of those self-satisfied doors. Life! Don’t talk to me about life.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
– Charley Davidson”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn’t feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. “Do I look dead to you?”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

“Sorry,” she said. “I have a psychological disorder that prevents me from keeping thoughts inside my head where they belong. ”
― Jeri Smith-Ready, Requiem for the Devil

“Not daring to flee since my general location has just been broadcast to any killer who cares. I mean, I know it’s cold out here and not everybody has a sleeping bag.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“I am too tired, I must try to rest and sleep, otherwise I am lost in every respect. What an effort to keep alive! Erecting a monument does not require an expenditure of so much strength.”
― Franz Kafka

“I’ll take the cemetery,” Kane said. He didn’t sound excited. Rather, he sounded resigned. “The club might collapse if I go.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night

“God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth.
Half the world is starving, and the other’s going, ‘I don’t actually need any nutrition, but it would be good to masticate, just to keep my mind off things.”
― Russell Brand, My Booky Wook

“I’ve missed you, Sebastian.”

“Have you, love?” He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. “What part did you miss the most?”

“Your mind,” she said, and smiled at his expression.

“I was hoping for a far more depraved answer than that.”

“Your mind is depraved,” she told him solemnly.

He gave a husky laugh. “True.”
― Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas

“You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.”
― Colleen Houck

“Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun.”
…”He’s the Akron AWOL?!”
― Neal Shusterman, Unwind

“All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.”
― John Ruskin, The Elements of Drawing

“Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.”
― Julie Klassen, The Silent Governess

“Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the ‘creative bug’ is just a wee voice telling you, ‘I’d like my crayons back, please.”
― Hugh MacLeod, Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity

“The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn’t sure it was worth all the effort.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

“You don’t have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.”
― Viggo Mortensen

“I’m convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia

“You just gotta tell her, man,’ I said. ‘You just gotta say, “Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.”
“Ian,” Bones drew out warningly.
He grinned. “You’re right. I was aroused anyway.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time

“It begins in the heart…and it hurts when it’s true.
It only hurts because it’s true.”
― Morrissey

“Adam’s response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, “He threw me out the window!”
Ronan’s voice sang out from behind his closed door: “You’re already dead!”
― Maggie Stiefvater, The Dream Thieves

“Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.”
― Edith Wharton

“Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. “Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that.”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Whisper

“And if you say that’s because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I’m disowning all three of you.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.”
― Rita Rudner

“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.”
― Erma Bombeck

“A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)”
― Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 1

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”
― Steven Wright

“What’s next? The size of my cock?”

“Hey, even pencils can get the job done—I’ve heard the moaning from your room to prove it.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unleashed

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?”
― Woody Allen

“When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word – nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary

“If you tell people you talk to God, they’ll think you’re religious, but if you say God talks to you, it’s ten to one they’ll think you’re crazy.”
― Robert Fulghum, Maybe, Maybe Not

“Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.”
― Julie Spira, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online

“Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn’t sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.”
― Gary D. Schmidt, The Wednesday Wars

“Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Don’t worry,” I whispered over the line, “I’m an expert on stupid.”
“You’re…”
“Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.”
“Never say that word again,” Prof said.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Firefight

“Oh shit, the mummy’s after us, let’s all walk a little faster”
― Stephen King, Desperation

“Well, I’m about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.”
― Truman Capote

“And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.”
― Meg Cabot, Shadowland

“The dead are way more organized than the living.”
― China Miéville, Un Lun Dun

“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”
― Dave Barry

“Don’t explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress

“The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”
― Mark Twain

“I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.”
― Samuel Johnson

“Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together.”
What?”
Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud.”
That’s who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of.”
The people who’ve been in your secret hiding places.”
The people you bite your thumb in front of.”
Hi.”
Hi.”
…”
…”
Wow. My first Lindsey.”
My second Colin.”
That was fun. Let’s try it again.”
Sold.”
…”
…”
…”
…”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“I sat down and tried to write a story.
“Ian MacArthur is a wonderful sweet fellow who wears glasses and peers out of them with delight.”
That was the first sentence. The problem was that I just couldn’t think of the next one. After cleaning my room three times, I decided to leave Ian alone for a while because I was starting to get mad at him.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower

“Oh for craps sake. You’re not dying again, are you? It’s seriously inconvenient when you do that.” -Aphrodite”
― P.C. Cast

“WE do try to eat,” Raoul called back to her [Kel]. I go all faint if I don’t get fed regularly. Only think of the disgrace to the King’s Own if I fell from the saddle.”
“But there was that time in Fanwood,” a voice behind them said.
“That wedding in Tameran,” added the blonde Sergeant Osbern, riding a horse-length behind Kel.
“Don’t forget when what’s-his-name, with the army, retired,” yelled a third.
“Silence, insubordinate curs!” cried Raoul. “Do not sully my new squire’s ears with your profane tales!”
“Even if they’re TRUE?” That was Dom. It seemed Neal wasn’t the only family member versed in irony.”
― Tamora Pierce, Squire

“We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.”
― Douglas Adams

“You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breath, shine like the sun buzz like a bee, just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh you make me smile. -Uncle Kracker-”
― Uncle Kracker

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
― Steven Wright

“This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.”
― John Cleese, Monty Python’s Flying Circus

“People often say that the English are very cold fish, very reserved, that they have a way of looking at things – even tragedy – with a sense of irony. There’s some truth in it; it’s pretty stupid of them, though. Humor won’t save you; it doesn’t really do anything at all. You can look at life ironically for years, maybe decades; there are people who seem to go through most of their lives seeing the funny side, but in the end, life always breaks your heart. Doesn’t matter how brave you are, how reserved, or how much you’ve developed a sense of humor, you still end up with your heart broken. That’s when you stop laughing. In the end there’s just the cold, the silence and the loneliness. In the end, there’s only death.”
― Michel Houellebecq, The Elementary Particles

“Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs,” I said. “We have a protractor.”
― Neal Stephenson, Anathem

“A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line.”
― Kim Harrison, A Fistful of Charms

“Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.”
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.”
― Tamora Pierce, Squire

“There’s no room for demons when you’re self-possessed.”
― Carrie Fisher

“This book will prove the following ten facts:
1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.
2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.
3. All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
4. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, the result is a family fight.
5. Music does not always sooth the troubled beast.
6. An Englishman’s home is his castle.
7. The female of the species is more deadly than the male.
8. One black eye deserves another.
9. Space is the final frontier, and so is the sewage farm.
10. It pays to increase your word power.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Archer’s Goon

“Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.”
“You can’t! You’re the stable one!”
Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.
“Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy.”
“Okay.”
“That second bit was a joke. We both know you can’t hold your liquor.”
― Alexandra Adornetto, Halo

“I will never deny that life isn’t fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.”
― Richelle Mead, Succubus on Top

“My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat … I AM A CHIHUAHUA!”
— Skippyjon Jones (In his very best Spanish accent)”
― Judy Schachner

“There was a sound like a human yawn, and then the skull turned slightly toward me and asked, “What’s up, boss?”

“Evil’s afoot.”

“Well, sure,” Bob said, “because it refuses to learn the metric system. Otherwise it’d be up to a meter by now.”
― Jim Butcher, White Night

“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
― Woody Allen

“When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.”
― Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen

“The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”
― James D. Nicoll

“No, Lucius is harmless,’ I fibbed. If you don’t count the fact that he thinks he’s a warrior prince representing a semi-cannibalistic race of undead bat people.”
― Beth Fantaskey, Jessica’s Guide to Dating on the Dark Side

“You’re under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: “Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that.” Some photographers are compulsively effusive. “Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous!” they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It’s hard to take because it’s more positive feedback than you’ve received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, “Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You’re breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You’re going very fast, yes!”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business”
― Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram

“I’m not looking for the perfect man. I’m looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with.”
― Devon Ashley

“It seemed Lady Luck hated me worse than usual.”
― Julie Kagawa, The Immortal Rules

“You’re a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.”
“Nonsense,” he said. “You just have to promise me that I won’t have to do a thing, and then I’ll do anything you want.”
“Anything?”
“Anything that doesn’t require doing anything.”
“That’s nothing, then.”
“Is it?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s something.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker

“Cam’s wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed.
“Holy Hell,” Callie whispered, blinking.
“More or less,” Arriane said”
― Lauren Kate, Torment

“I hate when people say ‘I see’. It doesn’t mean anything and I think it’s hostile. Whenever anyone tells me ‘I see’ I think they’re really saying ‘Fuck you’.”
― Peter Cameron, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You

“Bursar?”
“Yes, Archchancellor?”
“You ain’t a member of some secret society or somethin’, are you?”
“Me? No, Archchancellor.”
“Then it’d be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments – ”
“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to – ”
“Stalk me.”
“ – delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.”
― Sara Wolf, Lovely Vicious

“And what have I done?”
What? WHAT?…You’ve stolen them.”
With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who “them” was.
The boys.
The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“He held up his index finger. “Rule one: in any dispute between mates, the
male is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two”—his middle finger joined the
first—”whenever in doubt, refer to rule one.”
― C.L. Wilson, Lord of the Fading Lands

“Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
“Yeah, here’s a rare grocery list,” Dan muttered. “Wow.”
― Rick Riordan, The Maze of Bones

“Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.”
― Jim Butcher, Skin Game

“Oh, Hazel is awesome,” Don Said. “She’s so nice! All the other campers are like ‘Go away Don.’ But she’s like ‘Please go away, Don.’ I love her!”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

“One can never have enough socks”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Revenge is sweet and not fattening.”
― Alfred Hitchcock

“Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“Corrival looked around. ‘So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.’
‘Me?’ Ravel asked. ‘Why do I have to start it? You’re the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.’
Skulduggery shook his head. ‘I can’t start it. I don’t like most of these people. I might start shooting.”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case effect follows very quickly on cause.”
― Arthur Schopenhauer

“Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it’s always just my luck to get one perfect rose.”
― Dorothy Parker

“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
― Groucho Marx

“The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.”
― Murphy’s Law

“It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.”
― Robert Anton Wilson, The Illuminati Papers

“People often think I’m a faker, but I’m usually honest, in a certain way–in such a way that often nobody believes me!”
― Richard Feynman

“Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I’m not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just going to come out between my legs and I’m going to look like I’m walking around with an enormous load in my pants.”
― Meg Cabot, Big Boned

“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.’-Jace
‘Just break the door down, will you?’-Clary”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Down there between our legs, it’s like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?”
― Neil deGrasse Tyson, Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier

“What’s the point of being a grown-up if you don’t get to be immature?”
― Steven Moffat, Doctor Who: The Shooting Scripts

“My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.
Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips)”
― Graham Parke

“Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the Lord knows they have not been few or little, I think that I have been the biggest.”
― Karen Blixen

“The three of you are enough to drive a mara mad.’She can wear my shirt,” she growled in an imitation of Nash.”No,she can wear my shirt,”she said switching to Tod’s smoother tone.Then Sabine took off down the hall without a glance at any of us.”I have a spare.Come on, Kaylee,before I choke on testosterone and melodrama.”
― Rachel Vincent, Before I Wake

“Roar’s smile widened. “I know. You missed me.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s barely been three weeks since I last saw you.”
“Miserable stretch of time.” He said.”
― Veronica Rossi, Through the Ever Night

“[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.]
Susie: Hello?
Calvin: Hi, Susie! It’s me, Calvin! I was wondering if you’d like to come over and play.
Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don’t think you’ve ever invited me to…
Calvin’s Mom: Calvin, what are you doing?
Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away.
Calvin’s Mom: You’re contagious! You can’t have anyone over to play!
Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You’ll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching… HEY! OW! LET GO!
Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?”
― Bill Watterson

“She’d absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn’t own and feel no remorse about it.”
― Ally Carter, Heist Society

“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.”
― Steve Martin

“Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.”
(Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”
― Chelsea Handler

“Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.”
― Laurie Notaro, I Love Everybody

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”
― Erma Bombeck

“People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.”
― Bill Hicks

“You don’t always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one
-Henrietta Barett”
― Julia Quinn, Minx

“Harry, we saw Uranus up close!” said Ron, still giggling feebly. “Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“And so the Universe ended.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“I think a man’s “wordplay” can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!!”
― Junnita Jackson

“I’m not bossy – I just happen to be more capable than most everyone else.”
― Shannon Hale, The Actor and the Housewife

“Look, Laszlo. I’ll have the dentist with me, and I don’t want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk.”

Shanna halted. Her mouth dropped open. Her throat seized up, making it hard to breathe.

I don’t care how much crap you have in the trunk. We’re not driving around with a naked body in the car.”

Oh no! She gasped for air. He was a hit man.”
― Kerrelyn Sparks, How to Marry a Millionaire Vampire

“Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.”
― Jean Kerr

“His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Normal” is just a setting on your dryer.”
― Patsy Clairmont

“On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,
and I have nothing else to do,
I sometimes wonder if it’s true
That who is what and what is who.”
– Winnie-the-Pooh”
― A.A. Milne

“Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.”
― David Foster Wallace

“You totally need to watch the news.”
“Can’t.”
“Why?”
“It’s too depressing.”
“Right, because hanging with dead people isn’t.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.”
― Aeschylus

“Miss Butterworth and the Mad Baron,” Sebastian said approvingly. “Excellent choice.”

“You have read this?” Alexei asked.

“It’s not as good as Miss Davenport and the Dark Marquis, of course, but worlds better than Miss Sainsbury and the Mysterious Colonel.”

Harry found himself rendered speechless.

“I’m reading Miss Truesdale and the Silent Gentleman right now.”

“Silent?” Harry echoed.

“There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.”
― Julia Quinn, What Happens in London

“Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a ‘possum stuck in your collar?”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

“Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is”
Sure” said Magnus. “And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour”
― Cassandra Clare

“What about a teakettle? What if the spout opened and closed when the steam came out, so it would become a mouth, and it could whistle pretty melodies, or do Shakespeare, or just
crack up with me? I could invent a teakettle that reads in Dad’s voice, so I could fall asleep, or maybe a set of kettles that sings the chorus of “Yellow Submarine,” which is a song by the Beatles, who I love, because entomology is one of my raisons d’être, which
is a French expression that I know. Another good thing is that I could train my anus to talk when I farted. If I wanted to be extremely hilarious, I’d train it to say, “Wasn’t me!” every time I made an incredibly bad fart. And if I ever made an incredibly bad fart in the Hall of Mirrors, which is in Versailles, which is outside of Paris, which is in France, obviously, my anus would say, “Ce n’étais pas moi!”
What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboard down the street at night you could hear everyone’s heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone’s hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don’t really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn’t have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer

“He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax…”
― Bohumil Hrabal, I Served the King of England

“I’m not really sure what makes a book a ‘classic’ to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.”
― Jeff Kinney

“Let me say right here, if I haven’t made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don’t be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you’ve been traumatized.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way”
― Ali Shariati – علی شریعتی

“It’s amazing what flipping a grown man over her shoulder does for a girl.”
― Myra McEntire, Hourglass

“Cam starts laughing, “Oh, I love it when she reads.” He turns to Lucy who’s face is starting to contort and turn to a bright shade of red, “She reads these smutty books, like full on dirty shit, full of sex and like… bdsm shit.”
“I’m not joking boys, they’re like full on pornographic. Talking about silky shafts and veiny dicks and shit,” Logan is now on the ground holding his side from the pain of laughing too hard.
“Sometimes she’ll be reading, then all of sudden she’ll put her book down and look at me like she wants to eat me, literally eat me!” he yells, laughing harder, still swatting away her hands that are trying to shut him up, “I mean I don’t mind it, not at all. It’s hot as fuck. And she wants to try everything she reads in these books. Like… everything. She learns everything from these books… so I don’t give a shit when, of how much she reads, I get rewards.”
― Jay McLean, More Than This

“Please, touch me, I pray.”
― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

“I can see why you like it here,” he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle’s collection of movie posters and science fiction books. “There’s a thin layer of nerd all over everything.” said Jace.
“Thanks. I appreciate that.” Simon gave Jace a hard look.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

“Frostpine made a face. Lifting the cup, he dumped its contents down his throat. “Auugghh!” he yelled, his voice stronger than it had been since his return from the harbor. “Are you trying to kill me, woman?”

“If I mean to kill someone, I do it,” Rosethorn told him. “I don’t try.”
― Tamora Pierce, Tris’s Book

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!” said Piglet, feeling him.
Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.”
― A.A. Milne

“It took a qualified wizard to detect a summoning in progress. It required only a half-literate idiot with a twitch of power and a dim idea of how to use it to attempt one. Before you knew it, a three-headed Slavonic god was wreaking havoc in downtown Atlanta, the skies were raining winged snakes, and SWAT was screaming for more ammo.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bites

“Then there were the shabti, magical figurines that were supposed to come to life when summoned. A few months ago, I’d fallen for a girl named Zia Rashid, who’d turned out to be a shabti. Falling in love for the first time had been hard enough. But when the girl you like turns out to be ceramic and cracks to pieces before your eyes—well, it gives “breaking your heart” a new meaning.”
― Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire

“Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.”
― Steve Martin

“Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.”
― Stephen King, Under the Dome

“And Daniel?” She asked.
“Daniel was a player-”
“Hey!”
“That’s what they called the actors.” Bill rolled his eyes.”
― Lauren Kate, Passion

“God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I’m being this stupid! (Ron)”
― Kim Harrison, Once Dead, Twice Shy

“I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.”
― Ricky Gervais

“Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?” I hissed. “If I’d wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I’d have mooned everyone before we took off!”
― Jennifer Rardin, One More Bite

“I couldn’t claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys–but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!”
― Richard Feynman, Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character

“Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Compromise is a stalling between two fools.”
― Stephen Fry

“ohmygoodNESS!”
― P.C. Cast

“Are you okay? You seem …soggy.”
“Soggy?”
“Yes.” Heather nodded. “Like you’re a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.”
― Chelsea Fine, Anew

“I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, A Wodehouse Bestiary

“No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”
― Steven Wright

“Sarcasm creates a chasm between yourself and others.”
― Gayle Forman

“I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father’s shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.”

“How sweet,” Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. “Every woman dreams of being told that she’s preferable to a dead cow.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Secrets of a Summer Night

“Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile.”
― William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience

“Don’t you see Blaynie.” Mitch put his arm around her shoulders. “You’re like an illegitimate little sister that I never wanted.”
― Shelly Laurenston, Beast Behaving Badly

“Charlotte: “It’s too bad they don’t give out diplomas for what you learn at the mall, because I could graduate with honors in that subject. No really. Since I’ve worked there, I’ve become an expert on all things shopping-related. For example, I can tell you right off who to distrust at the mall:

1) Skinny people who work at Cinnabon. I mean, if they’re not eating the stuff they sell, how good can it be?

2) The salesladies at department store makeup counters. No matter what they tell you, buying all that lip gloss will not make you look like the pouty models in the store posters.

3) And most importantly—my best friend’s boyfriend, Bryant, who showed up at the food court with a mysterious blonde draped on his arm.”
― Janette Rallison, It’s a Mall World After All

“Hunky Heroes, rescuing distressed women, captive princesses, and girls without wheels since 1684. p. 450”
― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

“How come a boy can be so stupid, but a Daddy, who actually used to be a BOY himself, can be so wonderful?”
― Jillian Dodd, That Boy

“Have you met the French? My…GOD they know how to party!”
― Steven Moffat, The Brilliant Book of Doctor Who 2011

“Well, Mr. Frankel, who started this program, began to suffer from the computer disease that anybody who works with computers now knows about. It’s a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is you *play* with them. They are so wonderful. You have these switches – if it’s an even number you do this, if it’s an odd number you do that – and pretty soon you can do more and more elaborate things if you are clever enough, on one machine.

After a while the whole system broke down. Frankel wasn’t paying any attention; he wasn’t supervising anybody. The system was going very, very slowly – while he was sitting in a room figuring out how to make one tabulator automatically print arc-tangent X, and then it would start and it would print columns and then bitsi, bitsi, bitsi, and calculate the arc-tangent automatically by integrating as it went along and make a whole table in one operation.

Absolutely useless. We *had* tables of arc-tangents. But if you’ve ever worked with computers, you understand the disease – the *delight* in being able to see how much you can do. But he got the disease for the first time, the poor fellow who invented the thing.”
― Richard Feynman, Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character

“I commend my soul to any god that can find it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

“I don’t like to think of it as ‘stolen’. They have no proof that I didn’t plan on giving it back.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
He shrugged. “You have no proof either.”
She squinted back at him. “Were you planning on giving it back?”
“Maybe.”
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder’s vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.”
― Marissa Meyer, Scarlet

“Hey!” Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. “No man left behind.”

Nick scoffed. “This aint’ the army, boy. It’s every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Infinity

“You have a very open relationship with your fans.”
“Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.”
― Neil Gaiman

“Fuck you,” said Czernobog. “Fuck you and fuck your mother and fuck the fucking horse you fucking rode in on. You will not even die in battle. No warrior will taste your blood. No one alive will take your life. You will die a soft, poor death. You will die with a kiss on your lips and a lie in your heart.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“Hate. Huh. He’d never hated himself. If anything, he’d always liked himself a little too much. Once, a human female had even accused him of picturing his own face while he climaxed. He hadn’t denied it, either, and next time he’d slept with her, he’d made sure to scream, “Strider” at the pivotal moment.”
–Strider, keeper of the demon of Defeat–”
― Gena Showalter, The Darkest Secret

“You know,” she said dreamily, passing over his question, “you’re not nearly as handsome as Lord St.Vincent.”
“There’s a surprise,” he said dryly.
“But for some reason,” she continued, “I never want to kiss him the way I do you.” It was a good thing that she had closed her eyes, for if she had seen his expression, she might not have continued. “There is something about you that makes me feel terribly wicked. You make me want to do shocking things. Maybe it’s because you’re so proper. Your necktie is never crooked, and your shoes are always shiny. And your shirts are so starchy. Sometimes when I look at you, I want to tear off all your buttons. Or set your trousers on fire.”
― Lisa Kleypas, It Happened One Autumn

“There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.”
― Lish McBride, Hold Me Closer, Necromancer

“I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.”
― Jim Butcher, Vignette

“We scarified a mosquito. I bet that’s what did it. It was probably a virgin too.”
― Kelley Armstrong, Broken

“Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“Kalle Fucking Blomkvist”
― Stieg Larsson, The Girl Who Played with Fire

“In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.”
― Roman Payne

“Sunshine, I… Starla’s voice broke off as she entered the room and caught sight of him standing naked in the corner. She eyed him in an odd, detached way, as if he were an interesting piece of furniture.

Talon and modesty were strangers, but the way she stared at him made him damned uncomfortable. In spite of the sunlight, Talon grabbed the pink blanket off the bed and clutched it to his middle.

You know, Sunshine, you need to find a man like that to marry. Someone so well hung that even after three or four kids, he’d still be wall to wall.

Talon gaped.

Sunshine laughed. “Starla, you’re embarrassing him.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Night Embrace

“Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren’t.”
― David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.”
― Steven Wright

“Kitty need’s a tounge bath”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.”
― Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

“Jenks enthusiastically leaned against the counter and opened the box. Bypassing the plastic knife, he broke off about a third of it and took a huge bite. Ivy watched, appalled, and I shrugged. His mouth moving as he hummed, Jenks finished unpacking the sacks. I was half dead, Ivy was whoring herself to keep me safe, but Jenks was okay as long as he had chocolate.”
― Kim Harrison, A Fistful of Charms

“He was dressed just like on TV, with lots of silver chains and bracelets, ripped jeans, and a black muscle shirt (Which was kind of stupid, since he didn’t have any muscles).”
― Rick Riordan, The Maze of Bones

“Check it out-this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. it says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn’t she look exactly like Cher?’
Wow, that’s insane. She does look just like young Cher,’ Erin said.
Yeah, before she started wearing those white wigs. What the hell’s up with that?’ Shaunee said.
Damien gave the Twins a look. ‘There is nothing wrong with Cher. Absolutely. Nothing.’
Uh-oh,’ Shaunee said.
Stepped on a gay nerve,’ Erin agreed.”
― P.C. Cast, Burned

“There’s a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,’ he says.
‘Done,’ I say.
‘Did you follow it at all today?’ he asks in exasperation.
‘Who knows? I’m mentally disoriented.’ I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it’s gone.
‘See? I can’t even remember they took my bracelet.’
(Katniss and Boggs)”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.”
― Roger Zelazny, Sign of the Unicorn

“What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn’t read Tolkien.”
― Patricia Briggs, Fair Game

“The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels’ songs would be awfully poignant.
“‘I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you…'” the voice crooned.
I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be–”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound

“It was a trap after all,” Alric said. He turned to Royce. “My apologies for doubting your sound paranoia.”
― Michael J. Sullivan, Theft of Swords

“She wished, as almost all kids wish at one point or another, that she could turn into a pterodactyl and fly away and never come back.”
― Gina Damico, Croak

“[Ranger] “How’s your mental health?” he asked. “I heard about Soder.”
[Stephanie] “I’m rattled.”
“I have a cure.”
Oh, boy.
He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “And that wasn’t where I was going. I was going to suggest work.”
“I knew that.”
He looked over at me and grinned. “You want me bad.”
I did. God help me.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.”
― Bauvard, I Had a Dream About You

“If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.”
― Gilles Deleuze

“Tink’s a Disneyland whore!”-Jenks”
― Kim Harrison

“Another night then,’ Mom said. ‘Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.’

‘Or,’ I said turning to Rafe, ‘if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event you could just submit your life story including your view on politics religion and every social issue imaginable along with anything else you think they might need to conduct a thorough background check.’

Mom sighed. ‘I really don’t know why we even bother trying to be subtle around you.’

‘Neither do I. It’s not like he isn’t going to realize he’s being vetted as daughter-dating material.’

Rafe grinned. ‘So we are dating.’

‘No. You have to pass the parental exam first. It’ll take you awhile to compile the data. They’d like it in triplicate.’ I turned to my parents. ‘We have Kenjii. We have my cell phone. Since we aren’t yet officially dating I’m sure you’ll agree that’s all the protection we need.’

Dad choked on his coffee.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Gathering

“How poor are they that have no patients! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?'”
“Shakespeare isn’t going to save you this time, Superman. Your time’s run out.”
He scowled. “Perhaps I should have been studying The Taming of the Shrew!”
― Colleen Houck, Tiger’s Voyage

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
― W.C. Fields

“KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can’t find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command-including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you. Good luck.
-The Chief”
― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

“Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.”
― Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times: The Play

“Don’t call me a dinosaur. It isn’t fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?”
― Jim Butcher, White Night

“An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one – black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

“It’s awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?”
― Ilona Andrews, On the Edge

“Cats don’t need to be possessed; they’re evil on their own.”
― Peter Kreeft

“Did you get notes for me?”
“No”, Ronan replied,”I thought you were dead in a ditch.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys

“I’m Razo, a member of Bayern’s Own,” he said, stopping himself from adding “Loafing is just a hobby of mine.”
“Bayern’s Own? But you’re a child.”
Razo looked up to the sky. “I’m not a child, I’m just short.”
― Shannon Hale, River Secrets

“And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word.”
― Dorothy Parker

“She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
-Artemis Fowl”
― Eoin Colfer

“I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”
“Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?”
“Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”
“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. ”
― Brian Regan

“I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.”
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“Get me outa here. F*ckin’ creepy cheerleaders.”
― Lisa McMann, Wake

“If you’re going to sit on someone’s tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“How’s Her Royal Bitchiness?”
“Alive.”
“Pity.”
― Nalini Singh, Angels’ Blood

“Is there a particular reason you keep biting vampires?”
Will touched the dried blood on his wrists, and smiled. “They don’t expect it.”
“Of course they don’t. They know what happens when one of us consumes vampire blood. They probably
expect you to have more sense.”
“That expectation never seems to serve them very well, does it?”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.”
― RuPaul

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I’ve ever written, and I hope it’s the first book you’ve ever read. Don’t make a habit of it.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“You look angry,” he said.
“You put me on hold.”
“For a very good reason.”
“You put me,” she said very, very slowly, “on hold.”
― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“By Aladdin’s lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.”
― Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping

“my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be…”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“EH.MA.GAWD.”
― Lisi Harrison

“College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?”
― David Wood

“You never get mad,” she said when their server left the table. “Except at me.”
“That’s not true,” he said tightly. “Torie can get me going.”
“Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Call Me Irresistible

“No. Absolutely not.’
‘Simon,’ she said. ‘It’s a perfectly fine plan.’
‘The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?’
‘Yes.’
‘No,’ he said. ‘No, it isn’t.’
Clary sat back. ‘You don’t just get to say no.’
‘This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.’
‘Simon—’
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. ‘Let me introduce you to my good friend No.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.”
― Jim Butcher, Storm Front

“Blood is really warm,
it’s like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.”
― Ryan Mecum, Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry for Your…Brains

“Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?”
― Marquis de Sade

“I wanted to stay this way forever.
Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“Age is always advancing and I’m fairly sure it’s up to no good.”
― Jim Butcher, White Night

“Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.”
― Jim Butcher, Mean Streets

“Alanna: All I know is that I’m to jump when I’m told and I have no free time.”
― Tamora Pierce, Alanna: The First Adventure

“How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.”
― Morrissey

“I know how to use a fellytone now.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.”
― Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

“Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.”
― Tallulah Bankhead

“Bite me, faerie fruitcake.”
― Jim Butcher, Summer Knight

“Anyone who takes on my sister,” he had postured once, all puffed-out bravado, “will have to deal with …my sister.” And then he’d dived behind her and cowered.”
― Laini Taylor, Dreams of Gods & Monsters

“There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. …

…Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren’t there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you – do you feel things that you shouldn’t be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren’t really there? Like, oh, I don’t know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he’s doing “a heck of a job, Whitey.” And I don’t believe that it’s coincidence that almost the same number of Americans – 25 percent – told a recent pollster that they believe that this year – this year, 2007 – would bring the Second Coming of Christ!

I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you’re going to meet Jesus before they cancel “Ugly Betty,” then you’re used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you’re nuts and you shouldn’t be allowed near a voting booth.”
― Bill Maher

“I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He’s heading back to the hideout now. And I’ve been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of the same brand chocolate.

Aizowa: That clinches it.

Ide: It feels a little strange that chocolate is the deciding factor here.”
― Tsugumi Ohba, Death Note, Vol. 9: Contact

“All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

“Literary detection and firearms don’t really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth. ”
― Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair

“This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much.”
― Kristin Hannah, Firefly Lane

“The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains.”
― Al-Maʿarri

“Bring me liquor, Bones, fast, to take my foot out of my mouth.
Cat to Bones”
― Jeaniene Frost

“Hatori: “SHIGURE… I WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, STARTING FROM WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD…”

Shigure: “Sorry, Tohru-kun. My lips are sealed!”
― Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 2

“About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him — which I assumed was wildly out of his control — that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody

“But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“The only reason I’m friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time.”
― Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars

“Eve: “If you ended up naked and dead with another woman, I’d do the Rumba on your corpse.”
Roarke: “You can’t do the Rumba.”
Eve: “I’d take lessons first.”

Roarke: “You might very well. Not that you’ll ever get the chance, but you’d also grieve.”
Eve: “Wouldn’t give you the satisfaction. You cheating f-wit putz. ”

Roarke: “You’d weep in the dark and call my name.”
Eve: “Call your name alright. How are things in hell? You dickless bastard. And I’d laugh and laugh, that’s how I”d call your name.”
Roarke: “Christ Jesus Eve, I love you.”
–Eve, Roarke”
― J.D. Robb, Divided in Death

“Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help. If you have not, then believe you me, it can scare the bejeezus out of you.”
― Jim Butcher, Storm Front

“Not to be rude, but it was all pointless,” I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. “What? I said ‘not to be rude’. That’s like saying ‘God bless them’ right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn’t count!”
― Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don’t Live Forever

“I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,’ I said. ‘By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn’t true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not.”
― Sherman Alexie, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

“Miss Tarabotti was not one of life’s milk-water misses–in fact, quite the opposite. Many a gentleman had likened his first meeting with her to downing a very strong cognac when one was expecting to imbibe fruit juice–that is to say, startling and apt to leave one with a distinct burning sensation.”
― Gail Carriger, Soulless

“My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Okay you guys, pair up in threes!”
― Yogi Berra

“There’s a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire–
He likes it ’cause it’s cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He’s nibbling the noodles,
And munching the rice,
He’s slurping the soda,
He’s licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he’s in there–
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.”
― Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic

“i find nothing more depressing than optimism.”
― Paul Fussell

“Dude, this is a stoner conversation and we’re not even high”
― Libba Bray, Going Bovine

“And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before–and thus was the Empire forged.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.”
― Brett Tate

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.”
― Steven Wright

“Who cares even if I didn’t?!” Conor shouted back. “They’re just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!”
The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise.”
― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls

“If I gave you a pity position it wouldn’t be in my office.”
― Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top

“Or is it that I think too much?”
― Steve Martin, The Pleasure of My Company

“He smiled. “I suppose I thought we’d have a madly impractical, terrifyingly modern sort of marriage. One based on love. Not to mention dangerous undertakings and hair’s-breadth escapes from burning buildings, high ledges and exploding sewers.”

“And bickering.”

“Always that, yes.”

“Assuming I want to marry at all.”

“True. I know of no good way of forcing you to do anything.”

“And you’re mad enough to think it could work – one day?”

He cupped her face in his hands. His smile was so brilliant it seemed to illuminate the room. “I think it would be heaven.”

She trembled, then. “You have a very strange idea of heaven.”

“Kiss me and see.”
― Y.S. Lee, The Traitor in the Tunnel

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”
― Steven Wright

“A ‘very good friend’ is a dangerous category with Indian girls. From here you can either make fast progress or if you play it wrong, you can go down to the lowest category invented by the Indian women ever – rakhi brother. Rakhi brother really means ‘you can talk to me, but don’t even freaking think about anything else you bore’.”
― Chetan Bhagat, The 3 Mistakes of My Life

“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)”
― Stephen Colbert

“Annoyed?” said Sophie. “Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me?”
― Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle

“Her dad’s voice boomed from inside the house. “I’ve got a Glock, a shovel, and five acres of woods, Johnson!”
― Melissa Landers, Alienated

“Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?” asked Mrs. Dodypol. “It depends,” says I, “how much you used the dictionary before you read it.”
― Alexander Theroux, Darconville’s Cat

“It was time to break out the don’t-fuck-with-me face.”
― Julie James, A Lot like Love

“Just relax and breathe through your ass.”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“Lucifer’s bouncing balls, Kitten, not again!”

Uh-oh. I squirmed, instinctively also trying to block Tony’s body from his view. As if that made him any less dead.

“She was going to stab you,” I said in my defense. “Look in her hand!”

He was looking at the ground near my feet instead. “Him, too?”

I nodded, sheepish. “He jumped me.”

Bones just stared. “You’re not a woman,” he said finally. “You’re the Grim Reaper with red hair!”
― Jeaniene Frost

“The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.”
― Martin Amis

“I don’t want unnecessary violence, sergeant,” said Blouse.
“Right you are, sir!” said the sergeant. “Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin’, I want him nailed to the wall!” He caught the lieutenant’s eye, and added: “But not too hard!”
― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

“Then I guess I’ll just have to try biting again”
“You wanna try?” He leaned the curve of my cheek. “Let me suggest more appropriate places. I have this piercing.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, White Hot Kiss

“Hell’s bells. I don’t call him the Fist of God as a pet name, folks.”
― Jim Butcher, Small Favor

“She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. “If there’s anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I’ll hit him in the face.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“James Carstairs! Jem! Where are you, you disloyal bastard?”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

“It is one of the defects of my character that I cannot altogether dislike anyone who makes me laugh.”
― W. Somerset Maugham, The Moon and Sixpence

“This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.”
I frowned, “What’s that?”
“Homework.”
― Richelle Mead, Spirit Bound

“So many things to see, people to do.”
― Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere

“Women are constantly trying to commit suicide for love, but generally they take care not to succeed.”
― W. Somerset Maugham, The Moon and Sixpence

“People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.”
― Jess C. Scott, Literary Heroin (Gluttony): A Twilight Parody

“Inigo Montoya: He’s right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Sullen monosyllabism, a sure sign of sleep deprivation.”
― Jim Butcher, Death Masks

“Kev,” Win said calmly, stepping forward, “I would like to talk to you about something.”

Merripen, attentive as always to his wife, gave her a frowning glance. “Now?”

“Yes, now.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“No,” Win said equably. At his continued hesitation, she said, “I’m expecting.”

Merripen blinked. “Expecting what?”

“A baby.”

They all watched as Merripen’s face turned ashen. “But how …” he asked dazedly, nearly staggering as he headed to Win.

“How?” Leo repeated. “Merripen, don’t you remember that special talk we had before your wedding night?” He grinned as Merripen gave him a warning glance. Bending to Win’s ear, Leo murmured, “Well done. But what are you going to tell him when he discovers it was only a ploy?”

“It’s not a ploy,” Win said cheerfully.

Leo’s smile vanished, and he clapped a hand to his forehead. “Christ,” he muttered. “Where’s my brandy?” And he disappeared into the house.

“I’m sure he meant to say ‘congratulations,’ ” Beatrix remarked brightly, following the group as they all went inside.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Tempt Me at Twilight

“You always hear a headline like this, ‘Man Killed By Shark’, you never hear it from the other perspective, ‘Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He’s Shark Food’.”
― Gary Larson

“A true Zen saying: “Nothing is what I want.”
― Frank Zappa

“It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays

“America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Uh-oh,’ said Gazzy, but Angel was so nauseated she didn’t have time to leap to a safe distance, or grab a gas mask
Bbbbbrrrrrrrttthhhhhhttttttt.
‘Mother of God, no!’ Total cried, doing a fast belly-crawl to the pool and throwing himself in. ‘You said it wasn’t your digestive system!’
‘What was that?’ Dylan asked. He winced and threw an arm oer his nose and mouth.

‘Sorry,’ Gazzy said miserably, but he couldn’t help a tiny grin.
Nudge was clawing at a stack of towels to cover her face.
‘Nice one, Gaz,’ said Iggy.

‘Wait-that was Gazzy? Is that why you call him…Oh, crap,’ Dylan said weakly.”
― James Patterson, Fang

“I was trying to decide if you still had free will as a wolf. If I was a terrible person for planning to drug my girlfriend and drag her back to my house to keep in the basement.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, Forever

“You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?”
“Mmm,” I said. “I give up. What’s the use of having a man in the house?”
― Patricia Briggs, Blood Bound

“If you want to marry me, here’s what you’ll have to do:
You must learn how to make a perfect chicken-dumpling stew.
And you must sew my holey socks,
And soothe my troubled mind,
And develop the knack for scratching my back,
And keep my shoes spotlessly shined.
And while I rest you must rake up the leaves,
And when it is hailing and snowing
You must shovel the walk…and be still when I talk,
And-hey-where are you going?”
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

“A metaphor is like a simile.”
― Steven Wright

“Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there’s a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin’ Fifteen”
― Janet Evanovich

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”
― Steven Wright

“A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don’t later fray.”
― Marcia Carrington

“Trying to fall out of love is like trying to climb a mountain. Blindfolded, on crutches, naked in a hail storm.”
― Louise Caiola

“Its a perfectly good face, Sparhawk.”
“It covers the front of my head. What else can you expect from a face?”
― David Eddings, The Diamond Throne
“Are you a vegetarian?’ I ask, based on the evidence in front of me.
She nods.
‘Why?’
‘Because I have this theory that when we die, every animal that we’ve eaten has a chance at eating us back. So if you’re a carnivore and you add up all the animals you’ve eaten–well, that’s a long time in purgatory, being chewed.’
‘Really?’
She laughs. ‘No. I’m just sick of the question. I mean, I’m a vegetarian because I think it’s wrong to eat other sentient creatures. And it sucks for the environment.”
― David Levithan, Every Day

“To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.”
― Jon Stewart

“I was still alive. Ha! Take that kidnappers. Still alive. Maybe it was my butt that was feeding me. I always thought it was kind of round. I bet my body was eating up all the fat stores from my butt now. Yeah. See, having a big ass is a good thing. Good, good, good. They should put that in magazines. Why diet? Why stay thin? If you ever get kidnapped and left for dead, your fat ass could save your life!”
― Kate Brian, Suspicion

“What i’m trying to tell you,” Min said, “is that im going to grow up to be one of those chubby old ladies. It’s in my genes. Like self raising flour. i’m going to pouf.”
“thats going to work out well for me,” Cal said. “because i’m going to grow up to be one of those horny old men who chases chubby old ladies around the couch.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.”
― Paul Graham, Hackers & Painters: Big Ideas from the Computer Age

“When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine.
“Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”
Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself.
Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.
Click.
Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.
“Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?” Keith asked. “Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?”
You mean, besides us?”
“Well,” he said, “yeah. Is there any coffee?”
― Maureen Johnson, 13 Little Blue Envelopes

“I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic’. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“More than anything.” Rob persisted. “You’d crawl on your belly over broken glass for her. Easy.”
― L.J. Smith, The Passion

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