HUMOR

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”― Albert Einstein

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”― Steven Wright

“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL1. We are here to help you.2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.3. The dress code will be enforced.4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.5. Our football team will win the championship this year.6. We expect more of you here.7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.9. Your locker combination is private.10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.4. The new text books will arrive any day now.5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.6. We are enforcing the dress code.7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.10. We want to hear what you have to say.”― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”― Mark Twain

“So many books, so little time.”― Frank Zappa

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”― Mae West

Don’t try to outsmart your common sense. Keep It Simple…Stupid. Michael D Hiatt

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”― Narcotics Anonymous

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”― Steve Martin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”― Mark Twain

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”― Garrison Keillor

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”― Robert A. Heinlein

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”― Charles M. Schulz

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”― Jim Henson

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”― Woody Allen

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”― Paul Terry

“Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?’ In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even ‘lame’ is kind of lame. Saying ‘You’re lame’ is like saying ‘You walk with a limp.’ Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he’s done all right for himself.”― John Green
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”― Groucho Marx
“The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”― Charles Bukowski

Whatever your ailments. Pick up sticks. Michael D Hiatt

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”― Benjamin Franklin Wade

“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”― Charles M. Schulz, The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 5: 1959-1960
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”― George Carlin

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry stiffly.
“Yes, sir.”
“There’s no need to call me “sir” Professor.”
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz

“Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.
“Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.”
― Cassandra Clare

“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?”
― Terry Johnson, Insignificance

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”― C.E.M. Joad

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

“I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.”
“Well,” said Luke, “you’re doing a fantastic job.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”― George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer”― Douglas Adams

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?”
“Yes.”
“You called her a liar?”
“Yes.”
“You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?”
“Yes.”
“Have a biscuit, Potter.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”― Groucho Marx

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”― Oscar Levant

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”― Albert Einstein

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein
“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
― Steven Wright

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
― Mark Twain

“So many books, so little time.”
― Frank Zappa

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Narcotics Anonymous

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
― Mark Twain

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

“Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?’ In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even ‘lame’ is kind of lame. Saying ‘You’re lame’ is like saying ‘You walk with a limp.’ Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he’s done all right for himself.”
― John Green

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
― Charles Bukowski

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade

“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”
― Charles M. Schulz, The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 5: 1959-1960

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry stiffly.
“Yes, sir.”
“There’s no need to call me “sir” Professor.”
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz

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